I am not looking FORWARD to next weekend...I am not looking FORWARD to spending time with a bunch of loud and silly girls and one BITCH that I honestly cannot even tolerate looking at. Also...one weird Foster wanna be. Be my salvation Laura Lie...but I can't fight the feeling that you will make things even worse. Perhaps I'm being too much of a downer.

I'm growing fonder and fonder of Green. He's easy to talk to and easy to trust...he's going to corrupt me, you see. Lovely talks of drugs and music - I hate Nirvana - and he hates me for that. Totally hit that. His truck smells nice...he smells nice. I have a crush on Jordan Green. Oh well, it's only a crush. No shame.

"Krysten is on the road to becoming a crazy bitch" It's RICO!!!! How can you be so head over heels for Rico? Poor Child...very teenager. Oh well...you'll get over it. In the mean time I'm here to listen, laugh, and roll my eyes.

Being single is what I'm MADE for. Random kissing and walk off home runs...parties and no guilt. "Ani't no shame in my game" but don't expect me to bang seven guys in one night (cough - Ally - cough) I get what I want...

"I think even Drey has standards."
-"What standards?"
"Nothing over 300 pounds that resembles a bull elephant"
But that's mean to elephants... I've never hated anyone so much in my entire life, not even the man that killed my own mother. I think I could actually take a bat to her fat face and bash her skull in and feel no remorse. Which is how I plan on handling the three continuous days of dealing with her - imaging all the wonderous ways I can cause her extreme amounts of prolonged agony. I am indeed a wretched girl. But she's worse...she deserves everything that's coming to her. Karma is already fighting back...she's gained 20+ pounds from her birth control shots...which are pointless - because honestly - who's going to have sex with that thing?
I'm going to kill her one day.

Enough of that...I plan on being perfectly calm and enjoying my time. I can handle the trip...headphones and texting will keep me sane. Huber, Ethan, Kidder and Jeffery - will keep me sane. Loud music and happy thoughts - will drown her out and keep me sane.

I have made a decision to be nice to Alexander...not overly nice to where I'm leading him on, just nice, like I am to Gage or something. I hate when I'm mean to him - because, well...I'm being so mean. But I hate myself when I'm nice to him - because I feel that I'm leading him on. We will never be together again. But he won't come out of his stupid fantasy land and face the reality of the situation. And on top of it all - he has HEART problems now!!! At 19. It's partly my fault, no matter how much we will try to deny it.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it's called - and it's partly my fault. I hate that he puts so much on my shoulders. He has to make things right he says...why can't he make them right as my friend? It's a stupid method of getting back with me. I'll never be happy with him again - and he says he can't be happy without me. So it's a lose - lose situation. He needs to move on...but he's so fucking stupid that he says that he can never be happy with anyone else but me. And I hate him for that. Part of me - an extremely small percent - just wishes he would die. I hate myself for that, but it just seems like it would make things so much easier. I don't want him to die - I just want him out of my life...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Going see Horton today - for the second time. But with Krysten this time. Oh well...it was cute. I can sit through it again. Then I'll probably see it a third time with Kidder...I can do that. Headphones...right ?

Walmart Parking Lot...good song. I miss Ethan. I miss Green. I miss straightening my hair and doing my make up - since I haven't done that in a week or so...shocking no?
It's only 10 : 37 am on Monday - the first day of Easter vacation...

S.L.U.T.

"I sip offa everyone elses drink, that's how I get drunk." "You know what's great about being fucked up and single at a party? Everyone else is single and fucked up too!!!" Among many other things I'm sure...I remember it all.
I remember my head in his lap [[face up!]] I remember my head on his chest/tummy/neck. I remember his hands on me. I remember kissing his neck. I remember his lips on mine.

Think he remembers? That mark on his neck might remind him. Hehehe. I remember him kissing Shelby Thunda. I remember him feeling up Big Ashley...ew. I remember him being so far gone he probably doesn't know who I was.

John too. But I just kissed him goodbye. I hugged lots of people. and feel in <3 with Shelby Thunda. If I was half gay, it would so be all her. Seriously.
"Watch my sober face"

Bathroom - nerve wracking. At this point I'm pretty much all but totally sober. Just slept it off.
Stupid Emily. Almost got the party shut down. Stupid light weight, can't hold her alcohol. Waving knives. Good thing she went home. Can only imagine what she got into.

Can't wait to hear about it all Monday. Wonder who remembers it all, besides me. Sam probably. Not Rayni, she left before all the fun got started. Lucky her. Well, at least I'm not the new Triple P...

When the stars go blue

I can't help but question if I did the right thing. I did - for him. I didn't - for myself.
I couldn't help it. He was so sad, so sweet, so miserable without me. How could I do that to a person? How could I sit there and listen to him tell of how he's nothing without me. How could I just leave as I watched the tears fall from his eyes. How could I go when he's done so much to make me stay?

I didn't take him back, but I did tell him that I may - one day. And he's SO happy for just that. That one little ray of hope. Of second chances. I don't want to be with him though, but part of me does. Part of seeing him today just tugged at my heartstrings and I know there's still something there. Something inside of me loves him still and wants to be his again. Not anytime soon though.

He thinks he raped me. And who knows - maybe he did. Because we both know that I wasn't ready, we know that he pretty much forced me into it even after I said no. And isn't that what rape is? But I loved him at the time, and I did it to make him happy. Even if he does think he did, I know he didn't.

"Please don't kiss any other guys" Did NOT fall for that one. I did say that I wouldn't date him though. And I won't. But I can kiss him and love up on him as much as I please. I told Alexx - "sorry, but I'd rather tell you the truth now than later"

You know I'm just a fool for you. He's sorry he didn't kill Jeffery. I'm happy he didn't. "Please don't peirce your tongue" He thought about it. Right after the party. He had a lot of crazy ideas. All for me. I am NOT worth it. I wish he would see.

He tells me all these things he would do for me, all the things he's willing to change. He shouldn't have to change a thing. I wish he would find another girl to love. He says there no one else. In a world of like 3 billion people, there's no one else. I wish he would move on.

I wish I knew what to do...I want to be with Jeffery right now...

At least I'm not...

A claw foot tub =)

I get to see J E F F E R Y tonight!!! [[squeals of joy]] I'm tres excited.
He's not my rebound boy, he's my peirced tongue, you make me feel pretty - boy.
and I can kiss him and snuggle him and love up on him guilt free.

Don't get me wrong, I love Alexx, but I'm ready to play the feild. Test the water of other boys.
& Jeffery is my ocean.

EEEEE!!!!! I can't quit smiling!
=) Whoa, Jeffery Afemon and Julian Austin have the same intials. I s'pose when I refer to Julian in short I will have to use J.M.A. hehehe, J MA

Kidder is so...needy. Clingy. I don't like it. Ray was like that. Ugh.

This is a

list of things that I want...I'll probably never get most of this, but hell, I want it anyway :

Stilleto converse - I don't know why exactly, but I want some. Pink preferably
To be a size 3 - 5 - for obvious reasons, I want cuter and better fitting clothes
A gasmask - just to say I have one, and for pictures
A corset - because if I can't be a size 5, I can at least appear to be one. And see above
A sidekick phone - it has a full keyboard
To slap/physically hurt Shelby Fogleman - because I hate her
Panties - I like them =)
For myspace to work right now - so I can listen to Umbrella
To be with Dylan - because I love him
To find out if Jake likes me - so I can stop THINKING about it
To bang or make out with Huber - just to get it over with
A perminate way home - because everything keeps falling through
My license - so I can be my own way home
A jeep like Megan's or a Beetle - I like them
A tutu - see reason for gas mask
To pass the GEE - obvious reasons
To love Scotty and have him love me - I don't know really
To go for a walk - I'll do that later

I am irritated right now - for no reason in particular. Myspace isn't working. I don't feel loving. I don't get to see Ethan for spring break. Catherine gets to drive before me - and Shelby gets to go to her house Friday. Laura has been acting stupid and annoying. I'm single, and I still don't know what I want - I will postpone getting back with Alexx for as long as I can. I hate Brandi, Kristen, Shelby, Marcus, Monique, Josh (Mexican), Danae, Chase, and Sweaty. That's only nine, which is a lot less than most people.

I do not believe that Ethan truly loves his girlfriend, it's clear that he likes her - considering he won't cheat on her - but I don't believe that they are in love. She must really be something.

I'm tired.

Daydreaming

Not about him exactly, just about his kiss. All through sixth hour I imagined his lips, his tongue, the sounds he made while I sucked his neck. Oh...
It makes my eyelids heavy and my tongue throb. I want that again. The way his tongue ring clicked against my teeth. His smell, and mmm that soft shirt. I don't want him, just his mouth, neck, upper body in general.

Now I'm thinking of all the great kisses I've experienced...and it hurts to say this, but Kidder isn't in that group.

Memorable kisses include :
My first - Drey
That night - Luke
The movie - Julian
The party - Jeffery

*My first kiss was amazing, even though it came from Drey. It still makes me all dreamy to remember it...I think it was only because it was my first kiss, because I remember kissing him after that and it was NOT as good. Maybe because I was cheating on Julian when it happened...

*That night with Luke, not the sex, but the kisses were awesome. Very slow and sweet. He tasted SO good. And he smelled even better.

*The movie - I think that was one of the first and only times I actually made out with Julian, but I remember thinking that he was outragously good at it. Even looking back now I know that he was one of the best kissers I've ever kissed.

*The party with Jeffery...well that can be read above.

People I've kissed - not in order :

Drey
Ethan
Julian
Dylan
Michael
Sara
Lori
Kidder
Jeffery
Luke
Richard
*If pecks counted I'd have to add : Santana, Zack, and Trevor

Wow...eleven people in a two year span! Only nine if the girls aren't included though. And it'd be like 15 if pecks were counted. I wonder if Huber is a good kisser...? I don't even like him. I just want to kiss him. I want to kiss Scotty too...actually I just want to cuddle with him

I also want to kiss Green. I dreamed about him recently. He asked me out and I had to say no because I was dating Alexx, I remember feeling like crap about it because in the dream I REALLY liked him. Then there was something about an airport...

Note : This blog wasn't supposed to be about kisses. In fact it was supposed to be about Jeffery and me daydreaming about him.

You gotta reaction

I tried...I failed. I am tres discouraged in myself. I am weak, I am meek, I suck.
Couldn't even go one day being "broken up" or "on break" I wasn't wrong and I know it, but he made me feel that I was. That everything I did was wrong...ugh.

I wasn't wrong. There were no better solutions. [[light bulb]] drifting apart anyone? No, tried and failed that too. Not with him...but with Ray. Actually, I tried making Ray hate me, and I definatly don't want to do that with Kidder.

So at this point, we're still together, and if I still feel this way in a month or so, it's OVER. Period, dot the i's and cross the t's. O.V.E.R.
I swear...right?

I wasn't wrong...I wasn't. I WAS NOT WRONG.
was I wrong?

On the + side, I spent a really G O O D day with Kaitlin LeBlanc yesterday...as skeptical as I was to go with the girl formerly known as "psycho bitch" it turned out REALLY good and fun.
Despite her constant cursing and big mouth =)
We : went to the mall [[got glasses]], went to BAM [[admired various sex books, found out she was a virgin]], got our nails done...and saw The Eye [[which was awesome]] and all in all, had FUN. I actually will keep in touch this time.

Filed nails and painted them purple, feel much better about them. Feel fat but didn't gain weight, listened to Tainted Love and related [[ugh]] talked to Kidder and felt...strange. Listening to Smells Like Teen Spirit and can't understand a damn word...and yet Kurt Cobain was one of the most famous "troubled souls" on this planet...he sings like he has a mouth full of marbles.

Watched Alfred Hitchcock presents...Psycho. Creeped me out a tad, maybe because I'm reading about Ed Gein, the real life american Psycho. Ate bread pudding.

"Did I call you last night?" "yeah, told me you loved me" "and you said it back right?" "...yeah" "good it wasn't a dream" someone save me from my relationship. I'm only 15, I shouldn't be in this situation, I should be more mature...I feel, dare I say it, my own age.

I need to shower, but my lights are burned out, and I don't like the dark. It's funny to type with nails. Feels strange.
I'm done for now. Thanks.

It's impossible

For the first time in our 7 month relationship I TRIED to break up with Alexx. Due to the fact that my father hates him, my guidance counsler thinks I should, he has no car, no education, and no job/money. So I did. I told him it was over and that I'd bring his things...then we decided that this was just a break. Then he came over and it was...nice (?) considering I spent all night contemplating what to do.

So I tried again to make it a break. Just until you get your GED, your car fixed, and a steady job. I don't know what happened there. "How can you leave me during such a hard time? Your all I have" and I couldn't do it.

I feel trapped in my own relationship, and I have no idea how to escape it. I wan to leave, but I don't. I just want a break and for whatever reason I can't do it.
I'm going to. Here and now, no matter what he says, we're going on break.

--- I did it. I told him we

In this

A blog I am writing on Blogger.com at 3:54 p.m. on Sunday, Feb. 17, 2008, I, Natalie Gauthier am going to write [[or type rather]] all the things I think about important people in my life.

First I will start with the boyfriend, Alexander Lee Kidder.

Alexx: I love you more than words can describe. I don't care what others think, I know how much you mean to me. That's why it bothers me so much that you just DON'T CARE. Your smart and if you just tried you could have a very successful future. But you don't, your working at a dead end job that doesn't pay enough and you give little to no thought about your future. It's as if your soul has shrivled up and died inside of you. After your friends left it's like you did too. Your living, but not really. It kills me that you don't care. That your not going to college or even going to graduate high school. I feel like I'm dating a dead beat and I HATE that. I can't leave you because I fear what will happen to you if I do. You say I'm all you have left and it scares me that you mean it. I love you, I don't wnat to see you fail and if you keep acting the way you are that's what's going to happen. What happens when your mom kicks you out? You can't live in the jeep, but the sad thing is, that's where you will live once that time comes. You have to care eventually. If you don't give a damn about yourself, how can you give a damn about me? Or anything or anyone else. I want you to care about yourself as much I care about you. I hate that you won't. I think you need to grow up and face reality. You can't live in a shack in your moms backyard forever. You can't work at McDonalds your whole life. You know I won't stay with you if that happens. Not because I don't love you, but because I do have a future I'm pursuing...and if you don't get moving, you won't be part of it. Isn't that scary?

Next is Laura Gabrielle Saucier.

Laura: You are my best friend and I love you, but sometimes you drive me crazy. All year we've been close and I've never gotten mad at you. Until recently. I feel that you've lost all understanding of me and the world around you. Your living in your own head and it's as if - if people don't think exactly like you, you won't get anything. People aren't all the same, and they certainly aren't all like you. People think differently and it's like you don't understand that. People make their own decisions and sometimes they don't make sense to others. That doesn't make them stupid. I hate that you keep siding with Shelby, that your getting closer to her, I feel like your replacing me with her. And that's partly why I hate her. What she did to me and Alexx was wrong, but somehow you still manage to blame him for her actions. That's not fair. I feel that your trying to blame Alexx for the choices your sister made. I have my own thoughts and opinions and I am going to stand up for whomever I believe and the fact that you try to change my mind kills me and I just want to smack you. You've been getting annoyed at the world lately and taking it out on me and everyone else. You take everything I say and twist it and make it mean and horrible. You used to listen to me and not judge, now you tell me I'm whining and being stupid. What happened to Flooble? I feel that your changing somehow - and I don't like it.

Next is Shelby Nicole Fogleman.

Shelby: We used to be best friends, we used to be close. We talked about everything and listened to each others problems. Then you took our friendship and smashed it. You used things I told you - things I trusted you with - and used them against me. You took something that made me teuly happy, and tried to destroy it. You called me horrible things and spread lies about me...I was always there for you. I never told your secrets or used them against you. I joked about them and probably made you feel bad and for that I am sorry, but what you did to me and Alexx is unforgivable. You were a bad friend and you hurt people constantly. Your rude and mean and dishonest. And yet you try to call me a bad person? I was nothing but good to you. I helped you when you needed it, bought you things you didn't appreciate and gave advice when you asked for it. And all you did in return was hurt me. I am not going back into that ever again. I tried once after you wrote that thing about me and it didn't work. I'm finished now. I was never allowed to get mad at you but you could hate me all you wanted. It wasn't fair. We are no longer friends and I wish you could see that I hate you and just leave me alone. And you know what? Even through all that I stood up for you. I gave up our shot at Nationals because I didn't think it was fair to replace you because you can't afford to go. Yeah, I guess I am a bad person huh? Oh - by the way, Dylan WAS my date to MORP. Nick was yours...get over it.

Well, now I feel better. This didn't use up as much time as I would have liked but it feels good to vent. I wish I could tell Shelby and Laura how I feel about them, but they won't get it. I already told Alexx all this, but he doesn't care. None of it got through to him. Oh well...it's his life. I'm just part of it.

I hope Danny lets me drive to Marksville and More-o-ville...after I meditate and put on some pants. =)

( Hookie day )

Today is Friday, today I am not at school. This morning I woke up at 5:30 to beg my daddy to not make me spend one more day at that festering hell hole [[which I normally love]] because the past week has been utter shite. Which is odd, considering it was spirt week.

Yesterday was Valentines Day...and I don't think I've cried so much since my mother died. Why? Because I have never hated someone so much as I hated Mr. Lance that day...I've never wanted someone to die more. I do EVERYTHING he tells me to do in that class, I am constantly trying to impress him to get at least a C, and I volunteer when no one else will. And yet that FUCKER has the NERVE to sit me in the Twilight Zone and have me copy down questions on something I couldn't care less about because I'm not wearing the right shoes...I hate him. Honestly...I really do.

Besides that...people are SO stupid. Everyone [[well, a few]] have been so annoying lately that I just want to stab them. Including Laura, I don't know what my problem is with her. I think it's because through everything, I still feel that she's siding with Shelby. Whom might I add, has been hanging all over me...do I smell a plot? I knew I could take another day around them all...I needed a break. So I got one.

Big Drivers Ed. test tomorrow...I cannot fail. If I fail the test I have to take the ENTIRE course over. No No No!!!! I'm actually going to study...and this thought excites me, if I pass this test, and then the real test...I get my PERMIT, which ultimatly leads to my LICENSE, which means I can DRIVE!!!! [[well, legally]] If all the dumbasses on the road have passed that test, I know I can. I know it.

I feel like doing my nails and taking a long, hot, bubble bath...yes. A day for myself. No school, no Alexx, no dad...just me, my blog, my music, and my thoughts. Ahh

Happy birthday Megan!!! In just a few hours I will be maxing and relaxing with all the awesome Bunkie peeps at Megans birthday party...and I will have FUN. And I will not think about school or anything else upsetting. I will bounce and sing and dance and enjoy my life again.

This is just a slump and I WILL get back to my old self...even if it kills me.

Teenage Crisis

"Megan, Simone, and Alleigh were shocked to find out that we..."
A list of people that know for sure :

Shelby
Catherine
Evan
Dylan
Megan
Alleigh
Simone
Paige
Holly
Brandi

Why do I care so much? I've told people too, it's as much my fault as it is his. I feel betrayed. I feel misunderstood. I feel hurt and confused and unhappy. I feel like I need to throw up.
I feel like I want to leave him. I feel that I hate him. I hate everything about him. I hate his smell, his face, his body, his car, his being, his EXSISTANCE.

I love him.
I want him to clean his room and wash his hair. Wash his clothes, go back to school, smell better, feel better, BE better.
Why can't I just love him for who he is? -I do.
Why do I want to change him? -Not him, things about him, hygene wise.

I need to talk to him. Now.
More later.

Later :
I talked to him...I cried, I whined. I almost left him. I think he cried, he begged me not to leave. He admitted he was wrong. It's all better.

So why am I not happy again?
I don't know...I am sad today. I miss my mom, I miss Ray, I miss Dylan.

I wish I had appreciated my mom more when she was alive. I wish I had loved her more and treated her better. I wish I could have been a better daughter. And now she's dead and I can never apologize to her. I'll never see her again. She's dead.

More later [[again]]

I'm so fucking SICK

Of people!!! Of the entire fucking human race.
I'm sick of :
Kidder
Shelby
Danae
Julian
Jeffery
and with the exception of Catherine, Huber, and Kim...I pretty much am peeved at the entire fucking world

To clarify - my boyfriend is a fucking idiot, moron! I don't know how he twisted my words to Kristen, I don't know how he twists my words to anyone. But I am sick and tired of him doing it. I told him to stop flirting with her, that he wasn't justifying what he did to her before and that he was being a dumbass...you do NOT tell people what you say about them during a fight, and some things you just keep private. But does Kidder understand this concept? Hell fucking no. Everything has to be out in the open with him. I'm sick of him betraying my trust, I'm sick of him treating me like a 4 year old moron, and honestly - I'm just sick of him.

And it was fine...all day. Until I got to teen court where all the AHS kids either didn't notice me, or completely shunned me. Just because my boyfriend did a dumbass thing does not mean they have to hate me. It's not my fucking burden to bare.
And then I check my myspace to find Kristen of all people calling ME insecure and blah blah because Dumbass told her [[I'm guessing]] he made it seem like I was upset because he called her pretty. No stupid, I was upset because you kept commenting on her fucking tits. I get that you used to date, that you "loved" each other - but you just don't do that. Way to earn my trust idiot.

Shelby is getting on my nerves. Period.
I think Julian is mad at me and I don't know why. He was being mean.
Danae is a stupid, dumb, loud mouth bitch. End of.
Jeffery blew me off...I don't like him.

I was loving Kidder today, I got over the fight we had. Until I found that message. Now I'm just sitting here, doubting our relationship. I'm not sure how much of this shit I can take.

Ugg...someone help me?

Kidder Lee

Six months and seventeen days.
Eclisped by Evans Blue and Hard to Concentrate by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fours years and one month - difference.

I love him. That's it, I said it. But sometimes I hate him. I want to leave him behind and never look back. I can't...

He's femine, arrogant [[sometimes]], ignorant [[sometimes]], insolant [[often]], pushy, and sometimes he can be a flat out jerk. But I can't stop loving him. I can't bring myself to leave him...to forget.

He's sweet, funny, he cheers me up, he's cute and no matter what I do, I know he loves me back. There's so much more, but I just can't translate it into words. He completes me. Ha!

He's always pushing me to do things I don't want to do, and bringing me down, he makes me cry and feel just flat out lousy. But somehow, he makes it all worthwhile.

I can't imagine my life without him...and even when I'm crying because he's hurt me I can't think about living him. No matter how much I want to at the time, I just can't do it. I'll end up more upset if I think about leaving him.

No matter what other options cross my path, part of me knows that they will never compare to him. Despite what sweet things he tells me or how much he says he wants me, I know his feelings are not as true as Alexx's.

He tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me I'm perfect despite my flaws, he makes me feel wanted, desired. As much as I need him in my life, I know he needs me just as much in his. That's all I've ever wanted.

Sometimes I feel that I cannot trust him, that he doesn't understand a thing about me. He shoots down what I have to say and sometimes he makes me feel like a complete moron, but I know he doesn't think that way. He think I"m "fairly intellegent" and he knows I make good points. He once told me I should be a politician, and coming from Alexx, I take that as a complement.

I feel that he is eternally 10 sometimes, and I just want to slap him. He does stupid things and makes stupid decisions, and doesn't understand when to stop fighting and just listen...so why do I love him so much?

I can't even answer that question, there's just...something about him.

Hello.

I miss you, I want you, I need you, I'll have you - Sunday.

We won!!! Rhonda McDonald, Little Mrs. Ed-u-ma-cation, and...a jogger? This may not seem like the right combination to you, but it came right out of Dawn Pitres' head...and won us first place gold babe. The ride was nice...funny...warm...nice. Music - Heidi and Megan...Sarah's feet! Ha. Lovely gay boy - Trent. Bouncy bounce - Clitus. =)

Pizza hut! Cici's! Picadilly of course...yumm. Poor broke Shelby. "I feel so bad for mooching off you guys - you gonna eat that?" Silly girl. Leslie and her STUPID pink bear that she never did win...after 24 tries and twelve dollars later...I couldn't leave her. But I do think she's a little mean, or at least irritable.

Chatted with Paige - Homie G's, werd. I love her...she's so sweet. Baby does got back. It's a classic. No kids?! [[duh...]] Colleges - NSU seems nice.

DON'T TELL ME WHO TO DEFEND. I'LL DEFEND WHOMEVER I PLEASE, WHETHER IT BE LESLIE'S LITTLE SISTER OR MY BOYFRIEND. I'm sorry, it had to be said.
No one else thinks like you, they like who they like for a reason. Just because you don't find them "interesting" doesn't mean they don't. There are no other boys like Zack, we can't all date Dufor's. Get over it and ask him out already. You love him and you know, stop trying to stifle your emotions, stop lying to yourself and just TELL THE BOY YOU LOVE HIM!!! It's not hard.
Ugh.

"Please don't feed the Negro"
Drivers ed. tomorrow...Catherine is moving. Uhauls ahoy.

Raise your hands

It's tyme to fight...not realloy, but it IS time to write. So much has happened these last few days. I guess I'll start with Alexx. We've been together over 6 months now, and I love him. I honestly do. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with him and his aggorgant, annoying, and downright stupidity...but then I think about what my life, what HIS life would be like if we weren't together. And I hate it. I can't even bare to think about it. We fight, but for the past few days things have been wonderful [[knock wood]] It's like I'm falling for him all over again. It doesn't feel like 6 months, everything feels new again, and sometimes it's feels like we've been together for years.

Shelby FUCKED Huber...she says. I believe, but don't want to. IF she did it makes her nothing more than a hypocrate, the fact that she did the very thing she told me not to do...she said she wouldn't have sex with someone she didn't love, and when she did, she wanted to be COMPLETLY naked. She did the thing I did that made her call me a slut. At least I was dating Alexx, at least he didn't have a girlfriend at the time. Home wrecker. I love you Shelby Nicole, but you are a hypocrate now. You weren't naked, you do not love Joey, and not only that, but he had a girlfriend at the time. I guess that makes him a worse person than you. I feel justified.

My FFA speech is FINALLY over!!! I went to UL and DID NOT PLACE, that means it's done. Hahaha!!!! I'm so incredibly happy about that. I stressed and screamed and HATED doing that speech with a PASSION. But now it's over. And in a few short days, the FCCLA one will be over too. I have to dress up like a clown...At first, I hated the idea, I wanted to kick and scream and refuse. But I didn't. I suxked it up and now it doesn't even matter, it gives me incentive to act retarted.

I wish I could be anorexic, I wish I had the will power...I wish I could actually lose weight the right way, a way that won't kill me or damage me. I try, sometimes...I just want to be thin, not super thin, a size 7 or 5. People tell me they love me the way I am, but the thing is, I don't love me the way I am. I love myself, I just want to buy cute clothes and look cute in them.

When I first met Joey Huber, I didn't mind him, he seemed friendly enough. Then he grew into an asshole and I grew to hate him. Now I'm growing more and more fond of him again...maybe because I want him to like me more than he liked Shelby.

When I first met Jordan Greene I LOATHED him with a passion, I hated everything about him, and he hated me. It was a mutal hatred. Now I find myself becoming more attached to Jordan, actually feeling empathy for him. I'm becoming quite fond of his cynical attitude, his sarcatic ways, his silly QuicksilVER jacket. It's odd, hating someone so much and then actually caring about them...strange indeed.

When I first met Drey I clicked with him instantly. We bonded and such...he was an awesome kid. I hate him now. I hate everything about Drey Michael Cantrelle. His stupidity, his personality. Every fiber of his being. If Drey Cantrelle hung himself in front of me, I would giggle and prance away. That is how much I hate him. I want to cause him pain and suffering. I want him to contract cancer and just die, no...people have pity when you have cancer...I want him to become a leper, not just a social leper like he is now...a leper... I want everyone to hate him like I do. We're close, because most people hate him anyway =)

Victoria Ferman, or Victoria Vermin as she should be called. She's never done anything to me personally...I just hate her. No reason, just do. =)

I was going to go to a party tonight...at "The Site" but I've changed my mind. It's not worth it. The cops are going to show up and bust it up anyway. Besides, as much as I love all the Bunkie kids, I do NOT love them drunk. I prefer just to stay home and relax. Sure, I may regret not going, but I'll survive. There will be other parties.

Shelby is irritated with me...and I don't care. If she didn't want me to make comments about her sleeping with Huber she should not have told me... I got mad at Laura for the fist time ever the other day, but I got over it quickly.

I should work on my English assignment, but I can do that later. It is a three day weekend after all.
I want to be better, I want my teachers to respect me, I want to be a better student, I want to UNDERSTAND geometry, and pull my grade up. I want a B...I know I probably cannot get an A...but I want at least a B...and dammit I'm going to TRY. I'm going to study and WERP and ask questions and PAY ATTENTION. Even if it kills me...

My boyfriend took the pussy way out. That's right, he quit school. So many excuses..."No one likes me, I have no friends." "I wasn't passing anyway." "I can work more now" Stupid boy who isn't stupid, just lazy. And I still can't bring myself to hate him or leave him. But I did lecture the hell out of him...it did no good.

I love my dad very much, but lately he is just annoying the hell out of me. We fight and I'm irritated with him and I do not like it. I'm gonna try and be a better person to him too.

Wish me luck.

Wow, it feels great to write again.

And I'm so

Angry and frustrated and confused and happy...I just want to slap him but I want nothing more than to just be in his arms...through everything.
He's so FUCKING STUBBORN sometimes. Urgg. How do I know I love him? Because I have a COMPLETE inability to hate him, even a little bit. He makes me angry and he makes me cry but I can't hate him. I've tried. I think and I ponder and I contemplate leaving him, and when I try I can't. I can't even imagine leaving him, life with him.

And then I have to. I have to think about it. Because it's coming. He's leaving soon. This is his last year in high school. He's going to New Orleans. I'll hardly ever see him. "What are we gonna do Alexx?" "Talk on the phone." "I've already had a relationship like that." "Yeah, but you'll see me."

"Don't let go" "I won't, I'll never let go." Not willingly...but you will. One day. It's inevitable. Like death, it's staring me in the face and I can't look away. "Do you want to just call it quits now?" "No. No. No. Don't let me go." Six days, less than one week and we make six months. Half a year. In real life. This isn't make-believe.

So I hold on for one more day. As Wilson Phillips would suggest. But the truth is, I'm scared. I'm terrified, petrified, mortified. Of the future, and what it holds. And I know there are other boys, but I don't want to let him go. Not now, not anytime soon.

But I must...I don't know when, but I know it'll happen. And while forever seems like such a nice idea, that's all it is. An idea. A word for dreamers and idiots. But that doesn't mean I can't hold on for as long as possible. Whether for 60 years or 20 minutes, I'm not letting go.

In other news: I got my friend back. I hope we can stay friends this time.