And I'm so

Angry and frustrated and confused and happy...I just want to slap him but I want nothing more than to just be in his arms...through everything.
He's so FUCKING STUBBORN sometimes. Urgg. How do I know I love him? Because I have a COMPLETE inability to hate him, even a little bit. He makes me angry and he makes me cry but I can't hate him. I've tried. I think and I ponder and I contemplate leaving him, and when I try I can't. I can't even imagine leaving him, life with him.

And then I have to. I have to think about it. Because it's coming. He's leaving soon. This is his last year in high school. He's going to New Orleans. I'll hardly ever see him. "What are we gonna do Alexx?" "Talk on the phone." "I've already had a relationship like that." "Yeah, but you'll see me."

"Don't let go" "I won't, I'll never let go." Not willingly...but you will. One day. It's inevitable. Like death, it's staring me in the face and I can't look away. "Do you want to just call it quits now?" "No. No. No. Don't let me go." Six days, less than one week and we make six months. Half a year. In real life. This isn't make-believe.

So I hold on for one more day. As Wilson Phillips would suggest. But the truth is, I'm scared. I'm terrified, petrified, mortified. Of the future, and what it holds. And I know there are other boys, but I don't want to let him go. Not now, not anytime soon.

But I must...I don't know when, but I know it'll happen. And while forever seems like such a nice idea, that's all it is. An idea. A word for dreamers and idiots. But that doesn't mean I can't hold on for as long as possible. Whether for 60 years or 20 minutes, I'm not letting go.

In other news: I got my friend back. I hope we can stay friends this time.