Teenage Crisis

"Megan, Simone, and Alleigh were shocked to find out that we..."
A list of people that know for sure :

Shelby
Catherine
Evan
Dylan
Megan
Alleigh
Simone
Paige
Holly
Brandi

Why do I care so much? I've told people too, it's as much my fault as it is his. I feel betrayed. I feel misunderstood. I feel hurt and confused and unhappy. I feel like I need to throw up.
I feel like I want to leave him. I feel that I hate him. I hate everything about him. I hate his smell, his face, his body, his car, his being, his EXSISTANCE.

I love him.
I want him to clean his room and wash his hair. Wash his clothes, go back to school, smell better, feel better, BE better.
Why can't I just love him for who he is? -I do.
Why do I want to change him? -Not him, things about him, hygene wise.

I need to talk to him. Now.
More later.

Later :
I talked to him...I cried, I whined. I almost left him. I think he cried, he begged me not to leave. He admitted he was wrong. It's all better.

So why am I not happy again?
I don't know...I am sad today. I miss my mom, I miss Ray, I miss Dylan.

I wish I had appreciated my mom more when she was alive. I wish I had loved her more and treated her better. I wish I could have been a better daughter. And now she's dead and I can never apologize to her. I'll never see her again. She's dead.

More later [[again]]