For the first time in our 7 month relationship I TRIED to break up with Alexx. Due to the fact that my father hates him, my guidance counsler thinks I should, he has no car, no education, and no job/money. So I did. I told him it was over and that I'd bring his things...then we decided that this was just a break. Then he came over and it was...nice (?) considering I spent all night contemplating what to do.
So I tried again to make it a break. Just until you get your GED, your car fixed, and a steady job. I don't know what happened there. "How can you leave me during such a hard time? Your all I have" and I couldn't do it.
I feel trapped in my own relationship, and I have no idea how to escape it. I wan to leave, but I don't. I just want a break and for whatever reason I can't do it.
I'm going to. Here and now, no matter what he says, we're going on break.
--- I did it. I told him we
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
In this
A blog I am writing on Blogger.com at 3:54 p.m. on Sunday, Feb. 17, 2008, I, Natalie Gauthier am going to write [[or type rather]] all the things I think about important people in my life.
First I will start with the boyfriend, Alexander Lee Kidder.
Alexx: I love you more than words can describe. I don't care what others think, I know how much you mean to me. That's why it bothers me so much that you just DON'T CARE. Your smart and if you just tried you could have a very successful future. But you don't, your working at a dead end job that doesn't pay enough and you give little to no thought about your future. It's as if your soul has shrivled up and died inside of you. After your friends left it's like you did too. Your living, but not really. It kills me that you don't care. That your not going to college or even going to graduate high school. I feel like I'm dating a dead beat and I HATE that. I can't leave you because I fear what will happen to you if I do. You say I'm all you have left and it scares me that you mean it. I love you, I don't wnat to see you fail and if you keep acting the way you are that's what's going to happen. What happens when your mom kicks you out? You can't live in the jeep, but the sad thing is, that's where you will live once that time comes. You have to care eventually. If you don't give a damn about yourself, how can you give a damn about me? Or anything or anyone else. I want you to care about yourself as much I care about you. I hate that you won't. I think you need to grow up and face reality. You can't live in a shack in your moms backyard forever. You can't work at McDonalds your whole life. You know I won't stay with you if that happens. Not because I don't love you, but because I do have a future I'm pursuing...and if you don't get moving, you won't be part of it. Isn't that scary?
Next is Laura Gabrielle Saucier.
Laura: You are my best friend and I love you, but sometimes you drive me crazy. All year we've been close and I've never gotten mad at you. Until recently. I feel that you've lost all understanding of me and the world around you. Your living in your own head and it's as if - if people don't think exactly like you, you won't get anything. People aren't all the same, and they certainly aren't all like you. People think differently and it's like you don't understand that. People make their own decisions and sometimes they don't make sense to others. That doesn't make them stupid. I hate that you keep siding with Shelby, that your getting closer to her, I feel like your replacing me with her. And that's partly why I hate her. What she did to me and Alexx was wrong, but somehow you still manage to blame him for her actions. That's not fair. I feel that your trying to blame Alexx for the choices your sister made. I have my own thoughts and opinions and I am going to stand up for whomever I believe and the fact that you try to change my mind kills me and I just want to smack you. You've been getting annoyed at the world lately and taking it out on me and everyone else. You take everything I say and twist it and make it mean and horrible. You used to listen to me and not judge, now you tell me I'm whining and being stupid. What happened to Flooble? I feel that your changing somehow - and I don't like it.
Next is Shelby Nicole Fogleman.
Shelby: We used to be best friends, we used to be close. We talked about everything and listened to each others problems. Then you took our friendship and smashed it. You used things I told you - things I trusted you with - and used them against me. You took something that made me teuly happy, and tried to destroy it. You called me horrible things and spread lies about me...I was always there for you. I never told your secrets or used them against you. I joked about them and probably made you feel bad and for that I am sorry, but what you did to me and Alexx is unforgivable. You were a bad friend and you hurt people constantly. Your rude and mean and dishonest. And yet you try to call me a bad person? I was nothing but good to you. I helped you when you needed it, bought you things you didn't appreciate and gave advice when you asked for it. And all you did in return was hurt me. I am not going back into that ever again. I tried once after you wrote that thing about me and it didn't work. I'm finished now. I was never allowed to get mad at you but you could hate me all you wanted. It wasn't fair. We are no longer friends and I wish you could see that I hate you and just leave me alone. And you know what? Even through all that I stood up for you. I gave up our shot at Nationals because I didn't think it was fair to replace you because you can't afford to go. Yeah, I guess I am a bad person huh? Oh - by the way, Dylan WAS my date to MORP. Nick was yours...get over it.
Well, now I feel better. This didn't use up as much time as I would have liked but it feels good to vent. I wish I could tell Shelby and Laura how I feel about them, but they won't get it. I already told Alexx all this, but he doesn't care. None of it got through to him. Oh well...it's his life. I'm just part of it.
I hope Danny lets me drive to Marksville and More-o-ville...after I meditate and put on some pants. =)
First I will start with the boyfriend, Alexander Lee Kidder.
Alexx: I love you more than words can describe. I don't care what others think, I know how much you mean to me. That's why it bothers me so much that you just DON'T CARE. Your smart and if you just tried you could have a very successful future. But you don't, your working at a dead end job that doesn't pay enough and you give little to no thought about your future. It's as if your soul has shrivled up and died inside of you. After your friends left it's like you did too. Your living, but not really. It kills me that you don't care. That your not going to college or even going to graduate high school. I feel like I'm dating a dead beat and I HATE that. I can't leave you because I fear what will happen to you if I do. You say I'm all you have left and it scares me that you mean it. I love you, I don't wnat to see you fail and if you keep acting the way you are that's what's going to happen. What happens when your mom kicks you out? You can't live in the jeep, but the sad thing is, that's where you will live once that time comes. You have to care eventually. If you don't give a damn about yourself, how can you give a damn about me? Or anything or anyone else. I want you to care about yourself as much I care about you. I hate that you won't. I think you need to grow up and face reality. You can't live in a shack in your moms backyard forever. You can't work at McDonalds your whole life. You know I won't stay with you if that happens. Not because I don't love you, but because I do have a future I'm pursuing...and if you don't get moving, you won't be part of it. Isn't that scary?
Next is Laura Gabrielle Saucier.
Laura: You are my best friend and I love you, but sometimes you drive me crazy. All year we've been close and I've never gotten mad at you. Until recently. I feel that you've lost all understanding of me and the world around you. Your living in your own head and it's as if - if people don't think exactly like you, you won't get anything. People aren't all the same, and they certainly aren't all like you. People think differently and it's like you don't understand that. People make their own decisions and sometimes they don't make sense to others. That doesn't make them stupid. I hate that you keep siding with Shelby, that your getting closer to her, I feel like your replacing me with her. And that's partly why I hate her. What she did to me and Alexx was wrong, but somehow you still manage to blame him for her actions. That's not fair. I feel that your trying to blame Alexx for the choices your sister made. I have my own thoughts and opinions and I am going to stand up for whomever I believe and the fact that you try to change my mind kills me and I just want to smack you. You've been getting annoyed at the world lately and taking it out on me and everyone else. You take everything I say and twist it and make it mean and horrible. You used to listen to me and not judge, now you tell me I'm whining and being stupid. What happened to Flooble? I feel that your changing somehow - and I don't like it.
Next is Shelby Nicole Fogleman.
Shelby: We used to be best friends, we used to be close. We talked about everything and listened to each others problems. Then you took our friendship and smashed it. You used things I told you - things I trusted you with - and used them against me. You took something that made me teuly happy, and tried to destroy it. You called me horrible things and spread lies about me...I was always there for you. I never told your secrets or used them against you. I joked about them and probably made you feel bad and for that I am sorry, but what you did to me and Alexx is unforgivable. You were a bad friend and you hurt people constantly. Your rude and mean and dishonest. And yet you try to call me a bad person? I was nothing but good to you. I helped you when you needed it, bought you things you didn't appreciate and gave advice when you asked for it. And all you did in return was hurt me. I am not going back into that ever again. I tried once after you wrote that thing about me and it didn't work. I'm finished now. I was never allowed to get mad at you but you could hate me all you wanted. It wasn't fair. We are no longer friends and I wish you could see that I hate you and just leave me alone. And you know what? Even through all that I stood up for you. I gave up our shot at Nationals because I didn't think it was fair to replace you because you can't afford to go. Yeah, I guess I am a bad person huh? Oh - by the way, Dylan WAS my date to MORP. Nick was yours...get over it.
Well, now I feel better. This didn't use up as much time as I would have liked but it feels good to vent. I wish I could tell Shelby and Laura how I feel about them, but they won't get it. I already told Alexx all this, but he doesn't care. None of it got through to him. Oh well...it's his life. I'm just part of it.
I hope Danny lets me drive to Marksville and More-o-ville...after I meditate and put on some pants. =)
Friday, February 15, 2008
( Hookie day )
Today is Friday, today I am not at school. This morning I woke up at 5:30 to beg my daddy to not make me spend one more day at that festering hell hole [[which I normally love]] because the past week has been utter shite. Which is odd, considering it was spirt week.
Yesterday was Valentines Day...and I don't think I've cried so much since my mother died. Why? Because I have never hated someone so much as I hated Mr. Lance that day...I've never wanted someone to die more. I do EVERYTHING he tells me to do in that class, I am constantly trying to impress him to get at least a C, and I volunteer when no one else will. And yet that FUCKER has the NERVE to sit me in the Twilight Zone and have me copy down questions on something I couldn't care less about because I'm not wearing the right shoes...I hate him. Honestly...I really do.
Besides that...people are SO stupid. Everyone [[well, a few]] have been so annoying lately that I just want to stab them. Including Laura, I don't know what my problem is with her. I think it's because through everything, I still feel that she's siding with Shelby. Whom might I add, has been hanging all over me...do I smell a plot? I knew I could take another day around them all...I needed a break. So I got one.
Big Drivers Ed. test tomorrow...I cannot fail. If I fail the test I have to take the ENTIRE course over. No No No!!!! I'm actually going to study...and this thought excites me, if I pass this test, and then the real test...I get my PERMIT, which ultimatly leads to my LICENSE, which means I can DRIVE!!!! [[well, legally]] If all the dumbasses on the road have passed that test, I know I can. I know it.
I feel like doing my nails and taking a long, hot, bubble bath...yes. A day for myself. No school, no Alexx, no dad...just me, my blog, my music, and my thoughts. Ahh
Happy birthday Megan!!! In just a few hours I will be maxing and relaxing with all the awesome Bunkie peeps at Megans birthday party...and I will have FUN. And I will not think about school or anything else upsetting. I will bounce and sing and dance and enjoy my life again.
This is just a slump and I WILL get back to my old self...even if it kills me.
Yesterday was Valentines Day...and I don't think I've cried so much since my mother died. Why? Because I have never hated someone so much as I hated Mr. Lance that day...I've never wanted someone to die more. I do EVERYTHING he tells me to do in that class, I am constantly trying to impress him to get at least a C, and I volunteer when no one else will. And yet that FUCKER has the NERVE to sit me in the Twilight Zone and have me copy down questions on something I couldn't care less about because I'm not wearing the right shoes...I hate him. Honestly...I really do.
Besides that...people are SO stupid. Everyone [[well, a few]] have been so annoying lately that I just want to stab them. Including Laura, I don't know what my problem is with her. I think it's because through everything, I still feel that she's siding with Shelby. Whom might I add, has been hanging all over me...do I smell a plot? I knew I could take another day around them all...I needed a break. So I got one.
Big Drivers Ed. test tomorrow...I cannot fail. If I fail the test I have to take the ENTIRE course over. No No No!!!! I'm actually going to study...and this thought excites me, if I pass this test, and then the real test...I get my PERMIT, which ultimatly leads to my LICENSE, which means I can DRIVE!!!! [[well, legally]] If all the dumbasses on the road have passed that test, I know I can. I know it.
I feel like doing my nails and taking a long, hot, bubble bath...yes. A day for myself. No school, no Alexx, no dad...just me, my blog, my music, and my thoughts. Ahh
Happy birthday Megan!!! In just a few hours I will be maxing and relaxing with all the awesome Bunkie peeps at Megans birthday party...and I will have FUN. And I will not think about school or anything else upsetting. I will bounce and sing and dance and enjoy my life again.
This is just a slump and I WILL get back to my old self...even if it kills me.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Teenage Crisis
"Megan, Simone, and Alleigh were shocked to find out that we..."
A list of people that know for sure :
Shelby
Catherine
Evan
Dylan
Megan
Alleigh
Simone
Paige
Holly
Brandi
Why do I care so much? I've told people too, it's as much my fault as it is his. I feel betrayed. I feel misunderstood. I feel hurt and confused and unhappy. I feel like I need to throw up.
I feel like I want to leave him. I feel that I hate him. I hate everything about him. I hate his smell, his face, his body, his car, his being, his EXSISTANCE.
I love him.
I want him to clean his room and wash his hair. Wash his clothes, go back to school, smell better, feel better, BE better.
Why can't I just love him for who he is? -I do.
Why do I want to change him? -Not him, things about him, hygene wise.
I need to talk to him. Now.
More later.
Later :
I talked to him...I cried, I whined. I almost left him. I think he cried, he begged me not to leave. He admitted he was wrong. It's all better.
So why am I not happy again?
I don't know...I am sad today. I miss my mom, I miss Ray, I miss Dylan.
I wish I had appreciated my mom more when she was alive. I wish I had loved her more and treated her better. I wish I could have been a better daughter. And now she's dead and I can never apologize to her. I'll never see her again. She's dead.
More later [[again]]
A list of people that know for sure :
Shelby
Catherine
Evan
Dylan
Megan
Alleigh
Simone
Paige
Holly
Brandi
Why do I care so much? I've told people too, it's as much my fault as it is his. I feel betrayed. I feel misunderstood. I feel hurt and confused and unhappy. I feel like I need to throw up.
I feel like I want to leave him. I feel that I hate him. I hate everything about him. I hate his smell, his face, his body, his car, his being, his EXSISTANCE.
I love him.
I want him to clean his room and wash his hair. Wash his clothes, go back to school, smell better, feel better, BE better.
Why can't I just love him for who he is? -I do.
Why do I want to change him? -Not him, things about him, hygene wise.
I need to talk to him. Now.
More later.
Later :
I talked to him...I cried, I whined. I almost left him. I think he cried, he begged me not to leave. He admitted he was wrong. It's all better.
So why am I not happy again?
I don't know...I am sad today. I miss my mom, I miss Ray, I miss Dylan.
I wish I had appreciated my mom more when she was alive. I wish I had loved her more and treated her better. I wish I could have been a better daughter. And now she's dead and I can never apologize to her. I'll never see her again. She's dead.
More later [[again]]
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I'm so fucking SICK
Of people!!! Of the entire fucking human race.
I'm sick of :
Kidder
Shelby
Danae
Julian
Jeffery
and with the exception of Catherine, Huber, and Kim...I pretty much am peeved at the entire fucking world
To clarify - my boyfriend is a fucking idiot, moron! I don't know how he twisted my words to Kristen, I don't know how he twists my words to anyone. But I am sick and tired of him doing it. I told him to stop flirting with her, that he wasn't justifying what he did to her before and that he was being a dumbass...you do NOT tell people what you say about them during a fight, and some things you just keep private. But does Kidder understand this concept? Hell fucking no. Everything has to be out in the open with him. I'm sick of him betraying my trust, I'm sick of him treating me like a 4 year old moron, and honestly - I'm just sick of him.
And it was fine...all day. Until I got to teen court where all the AHS kids either didn't notice me, or completely shunned me. Just because my boyfriend did a dumbass thing does not mean they have to hate me. It's not my fucking burden to bare.
And then I check my myspace to find Kristen of all people calling ME insecure and blah blah because Dumbass told her [[I'm guessing]] he made it seem like I was upset because he called her pretty. No stupid, I was upset because you kept commenting on her fucking tits. I get that you used to date, that you "loved" each other - but you just don't do that. Way to earn my trust idiot.
Shelby is getting on my nerves. Period.
I think Julian is mad at me and I don't know why. He was being mean.
Danae is a stupid, dumb, loud mouth bitch. End of.
Jeffery blew me off...I don't like him.
I was loving Kidder today, I got over the fight we had. Until I found that message. Now I'm just sitting here, doubting our relationship. I'm not sure how much of this shit I can take.
Ugg...someone help me?
I'm sick of :
Kidder
Shelby
Danae
Julian
Jeffery
and with the exception of Catherine, Huber, and Kim...I pretty much am peeved at the entire fucking world
To clarify - my boyfriend is a fucking idiot, moron! I don't know how he twisted my words to Kristen, I don't know how he twists my words to anyone. But I am sick and tired of him doing it. I told him to stop flirting with her, that he wasn't justifying what he did to her before and that he was being a dumbass...you do NOT tell people what you say about them during a fight, and some things you just keep private. But does Kidder understand this concept? Hell fucking no. Everything has to be out in the open with him. I'm sick of him betraying my trust, I'm sick of him treating me like a 4 year old moron, and honestly - I'm just sick of him.
And it was fine...all day. Until I got to teen court where all the AHS kids either didn't notice me, or completely shunned me. Just because my boyfriend did a dumbass thing does not mean they have to hate me. It's not my fucking burden to bare.
And then I check my myspace to find Kristen of all people calling ME insecure and blah blah because Dumbass told her [[I'm guessing]] he made it seem like I was upset because he called her pretty. No stupid, I was upset because you kept commenting on her fucking tits. I get that you used to date, that you "loved" each other - but you just don't do that. Way to earn my trust idiot.
Shelby is getting on my nerves. Period.
I think Julian is mad at me and I don't know why. He was being mean.
Danae is a stupid, dumb, loud mouth bitch. End of.
Jeffery blew me off...I don't like him.
I was loving Kidder today, I got over the fight we had. Until I found that message. Now I'm just sitting here, doubting our relationship. I'm not sure how much of this shit I can take.
Ugg...someone help me?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Kidder Lee
Six months and seventeen days.
Eclisped by Evans Blue and Hard to Concentrate by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fours years and one month - difference.
I love him. That's it, I said it. But sometimes I hate him. I want to leave him behind and never look back. I can't...
He's femine, arrogant [[sometimes]], ignorant [[sometimes]], insolant [[often]], pushy, and sometimes he can be a flat out jerk. But I can't stop loving him. I can't bring myself to leave him...to forget.
He's sweet, funny, he cheers me up, he's cute and no matter what I do, I know he loves me back. There's so much more, but I just can't translate it into words. He completes me. Ha!
He's always pushing me to do things I don't want to do, and bringing me down, he makes me cry and feel just flat out lousy. But somehow, he makes it all worthwhile.
I can't imagine my life without him...and even when I'm crying because he's hurt me I can't think about living him. No matter how much I want to at the time, I just can't do it. I'll end up more upset if I think about leaving him.
No matter what other options cross my path, part of me knows that they will never compare to him. Despite what sweet things he tells me or how much he says he wants me, I know his feelings are not as true as Alexx's.
He tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me I'm perfect despite my flaws, he makes me feel wanted, desired. As much as I need him in my life, I know he needs me just as much in his. That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes I feel that I cannot trust him, that he doesn't understand a thing about me. He shoots down what I have to say and sometimes he makes me feel like a complete moron, but I know he doesn't think that way. He think I"m "fairly intellegent" and he knows I make good points. He once told me I should be a politician, and coming from Alexx, I take that as a complement.
I feel that he is eternally 10 sometimes, and I just want to slap him. He does stupid things and makes stupid decisions, and doesn't understand when to stop fighting and just listen...so why do I love him so much?
I can't even answer that question, there's just...something about him.
Eclisped by Evans Blue and Hard to Concentrate by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fours years and one month - difference.
I love him. That's it, I said it. But sometimes I hate him. I want to leave him behind and never look back. I can't...
He's femine, arrogant [[sometimes]], ignorant [[sometimes]], insolant [[often]], pushy, and sometimes he can be a flat out jerk. But I can't stop loving him. I can't bring myself to leave him...to forget.
He's sweet, funny, he cheers me up, he's cute and no matter what I do, I know he loves me back. There's so much more, but I just can't translate it into words. He completes me. Ha!
He's always pushing me to do things I don't want to do, and bringing me down, he makes me cry and feel just flat out lousy. But somehow, he makes it all worthwhile.
I can't imagine my life without him...and even when I'm crying because he's hurt me I can't think about living him. No matter how much I want to at the time, I just can't do it. I'll end up more upset if I think about leaving him.
No matter what other options cross my path, part of me knows that they will never compare to him. Despite what sweet things he tells me or how much he says he wants me, I know his feelings are not as true as Alexx's.
He tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me I'm perfect despite my flaws, he makes me feel wanted, desired. As much as I need him in my life, I know he needs me just as much in his. That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes I feel that I cannot trust him, that he doesn't understand a thing about me. He shoots down what I have to say and sometimes he makes me feel like a complete moron, but I know he doesn't think that way. He think I"m "fairly intellegent" and he knows I make good points. He once told me I should be a politician, and coming from Alexx, I take that as a complement.
I feel that he is eternally 10 sometimes, and I just want to slap him. He does stupid things and makes stupid decisions, and doesn't understand when to stop fighting and just listen...so why do I love him so much?
I can't even answer that question, there's just...something about him.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Hello.
I miss you, I want you, I need you, I'll have you - Sunday.
We won!!! Rhonda McDonald, Little Mrs. Ed-u-ma-cation, and...a jogger? This may not seem like the right combination to you, but it came right out of Dawn Pitres' head...and won us first place gold babe. The ride was nice...funny...warm...nice. Music - Heidi and Megan...Sarah's feet! Ha. Lovely gay boy - Trent. Bouncy bounce - Clitus. =)
Pizza hut! Cici's! Picadilly of course...yumm. Poor broke Shelby. "I feel so bad for mooching off you guys - you gonna eat that?" Silly girl. Leslie and her STUPID pink bear that she never did win...after 24 tries and twelve dollars later...I couldn't leave her. But I do think she's a little mean, or at least irritable.
Chatted with Paige - Homie G's, werd. I love her...she's so sweet. Baby does got back. It's a classic. No kids?! [[duh...]] Colleges - NSU seems nice.
DON'T TELL ME WHO TO DEFEND. I'LL DEFEND WHOMEVER I PLEASE, WHETHER IT BE LESLIE'S LITTLE SISTER OR MY BOYFRIEND. I'm sorry, it had to be said.
No one else thinks like you, they like who they like for a reason. Just because you don't find them "interesting" doesn't mean they don't. There are no other boys like Zack, we can't all date Dufor's. Get over it and ask him out already. You love him and you know, stop trying to stifle your emotions, stop lying to yourself and just TELL THE BOY YOU LOVE HIM!!! It's not hard.
Ugh.
"Please don't feed the Negro"
Drivers ed. tomorrow...Catherine is moving. Uhauls ahoy.
We won!!! Rhonda McDonald, Little Mrs. Ed-u-ma-cation, and...a jogger? This may not seem like the right combination to you, but it came right out of Dawn Pitres' head...and won us first place gold babe. The ride was nice...funny...warm...nice. Music - Heidi and Megan...Sarah's feet! Ha. Lovely gay boy - Trent. Bouncy bounce - Clitus. =)
Pizza hut! Cici's! Picadilly of course...yumm. Poor broke Shelby. "I feel so bad for mooching off you guys - you gonna eat that?" Silly girl. Leslie and her STUPID pink bear that she never did win...after 24 tries and twelve dollars later...I couldn't leave her. But I do think she's a little mean, or at least irritable.
Chatted with Paige - Homie G's, werd. I love her...she's so sweet. Baby does got back. It's a classic. No kids?! [[duh...]] Colleges - NSU seems nice.
DON'T TELL ME WHO TO DEFEND. I'LL DEFEND WHOMEVER I PLEASE, WHETHER IT BE LESLIE'S LITTLE SISTER OR MY BOYFRIEND. I'm sorry, it had to be said.
No one else thinks like you, they like who they like for a reason. Just because you don't find them "interesting" doesn't mean they don't. There are no other boys like Zack, we can't all date Dufor's. Get over it and ask him out already. You love him and you know, stop trying to stifle your emotions, stop lying to yourself and just TELL THE BOY YOU LOVE HIM!!! It's not hard.
Ugh.
"Please don't feed the Negro"
Drivers ed. tomorrow...Catherine is moving. Uhauls ahoy.
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