Raise your hands

It's tyme to fight...not realloy, but it IS time to write. So much has happened these last few days. I guess I'll start with Alexx. We've been together over 6 months now, and I love him. I honestly do. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with him and his aggorgant, annoying, and downright stupidity...but then I think about what my life, what HIS life would be like if we weren't together. And I hate it. I can't even bare to think about it. We fight, but for the past few days things have been wonderful [[knock wood]] It's like I'm falling for him all over again. It doesn't feel like 6 months, everything feels new again, and sometimes it's feels like we've been together for years.

Shelby FUCKED Huber...she says. I believe, but don't want to. IF she did it makes her nothing more than a hypocrate, the fact that she did the very thing she told me not to do...she said she wouldn't have sex with someone she didn't love, and when she did, she wanted to be COMPLETLY naked. She did the thing I did that made her call me a slut. At least I was dating Alexx, at least he didn't have a girlfriend at the time. Home wrecker. I love you Shelby Nicole, but you are a hypocrate now. You weren't naked, you do not love Joey, and not only that, but he had a girlfriend at the time. I guess that makes him a worse person than you. I feel justified.

My FFA speech is FINALLY over!!! I went to UL and DID NOT PLACE, that means it's done. Hahaha!!!! I'm so incredibly happy about that. I stressed and screamed and HATED doing that speech with a PASSION. But now it's over. And in a few short days, the FCCLA one will be over too. I have to dress up like a clown...At first, I hated the idea, I wanted to kick and scream and refuse. But I didn't. I suxked it up and now it doesn't even matter, it gives me incentive to act retarted.

I wish I could be anorexic, I wish I had the will power...I wish I could actually lose weight the right way, a way that won't kill me or damage me. I try, sometimes...I just want to be thin, not super thin, a size 7 or 5. People tell me they love me the way I am, but the thing is, I don't love me the way I am. I love myself, I just want to buy cute clothes and look cute in them.

When I first met Joey Huber, I didn't mind him, he seemed friendly enough. Then he grew into an asshole and I grew to hate him. Now I'm growing more and more fond of him again...maybe because I want him to like me more than he liked Shelby.

When I first met Jordan Greene I LOATHED him with a passion, I hated everything about him, and he hated me. It was a mutal hatred. Now I find myself becoming more attached to Jordan, actually feeling empathy for him. I'm becoming quite fond of his cynical attitude, his sarcatic ways, his silly QuicksilVER jacket. It's odd, hating someone so much and then actually caring about them...strange indeed.

When I first met Drey I clicked with him instantly. We bonded and such...he was an awesome kid. I hate him now. I hate everything about Drey Michael Cantrelle. His stupidity, his personality. Every fiber of his being. If Drey Cantrelle hung himself in front of me, I would giggle and prance away. That is how much I hate him. I want to cause him pain and suffering. I want him to contract cancer and just die, no...people have pity when you have cancer...I want him to become a leper, not just a social leper like he is now...a leper... I want everyone to hate him like I do. We're close, because most people hate him anyway =)

Victoria Ferman, or Victoria Vermin as she should be called. She's never done anything to me personally...I just hate her. No reason, just do. =)

I was going to go to a party tonight...at "The Site" but I've changed my mind. It's not worth it. The cops are going to show up and bust it up anyway. Besides, as much as I love all the Bunkie kids, I do NOT love them drunk. I prefer just to stay home and relax. Sure, I may regret not going, but I'll survive. There will be other parties.

Shelby is irritated with me...and I don't care. If she didn't want me to make comments about her sleeping with Huber she should not have told me... I got mad at Laura for the fist time ever the other day, but I got over it quickly.

I should work on my English assignment, but I can do that later. It is a three day weekend after all.
I want to be better, I want my teachers to respect me, I want to be a better student, I want to UNDERSTAND geometry, and pull my grade up. I want a B...I know I probably cannot get an A...but I want at least a B...and dammit I'm going to TRY. I'm going to study and WERP and ask questions and PAY ATTENTION. Even if it kills me...

My boyfriend took the pussy way out. That's right, he quit school. So many excuses..."No one likes me, I have no friends." "I wasn't passing anyway." "I can work more now" Stupid boy who isn't stupid, just lazy. And I still can't bring myself to hate him or leave him. But I did lecture the hell out of him...it did no good.

I love my dad very much, but lately he is just annoying the hell out of me. We fight and I'm irritated with him and I do not like it. I'm gonna try and be a better person to him too.

Wish me luck.

Wow, it feels great to write again.

And I'm so

Angry and frustrated and confused and happy...I just want to slap him but I want nothing more than to just be in his arms...through everything.
He's so FUCKING STUBBORN sometimes. Urgg. How do I know I love him? Because I have a COMPLETE inability to hate him, even a little bit. He makes me angry and he makes me cry but I can't hate him. I've tried. I think and I ponder and I contemplate leaving him, and when I try I can't. I can't even imagine leaving him, life with him.

And then I have to. I have to think about it. Because it's coming. He's leaving soon. This is his last year in high school. He's going to New Orleans. I'll hardly ever see him. "What are we gonna do Alexx?" "Talk on the phone." "I've already had a relationship like that." "Yeah, but you'll see me."

"Don't let go" "I won't, I'll never let go." Not willingly...but you will. One day. It's inevitable. Like death, it's staring me in the face and I can't look away. "Do you want to just call it quits now?" "No. No. No. Don't let me go." Six days, less than one week and we make six months. Half a year. In real life. This isn't make-believe.

So I hold on for one more day. As Wilson Phillips would suggest. But the truth is, I'm scared. I'm terrified, petrified, mortified. Of the future, and what it holds. And I know there are other boys, but I don't want to let him go. Not now, not anytime soon.

But I must...I don't know when, but I know it'll happen. And while forever seems like such a nice idea, that's all it is. An idea. A word for dreamers and idiots. But that doesn't mean I can't hold on for as long as possible. Whether for 60 years or 20 minutes, I'm not letting go.

In other news: I got my friend back. I hope we can stay friends this time.

Dance to this beat

I have to write this down...my thoughts buzzing in my head...ZOE.TROPE.EXSISTS
Z.T. makes me THINK like HER.

I miss my glitter boy...I want him. I want to fuck his mouth with my tongue. I want to clutch his body to mine and have our heart beats merge together as one. I want to take his hand in mine and run through streets, cause car crashes and heart attacks. The constant beep beep of a heart moniter. FLAT LINE. I need that. I need him. I need to rip his shirt off and kiss his chest, his stomache. Kiss his neck, his shoulders, that smooth, gay skin. I might as well just fuck him, orgasm right here and now. Swoon.

Now him, I really could fuck. He's straight and wants me...I want that tongue right a little south of my belly button. I want his flesh on mine...his scent all over me. Press me up against a wall and bang me in an alley. Take me baby, I'm yours tonight. Make me your virgin. I lie...I really just want to hold you, kiss you, seduce you. I think back to that night with Luke, how amazing he was...so sweet and soft. And I want that with you.

"Are you two dating?" "No, it's just casual sex." Only it isn't...we aren't fucking. Let's fuck baby. My mouth is a cunt and your tongue is a hungry cock. Oh.


I'm freaking out my boyfriend, telling him about the things I want to do with a gay man and prancing around my room singing Panic! at the disco. I'm very...flittery tonight. Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head.
"This is your brain on acid." This is my brain on Trope.
Jordan Greene is not attractive, Jordan Greene is a douche bag, Jordan Greene...make me intelligent. Don't let me waste my life away Jordan Greene...I'm counting on you.

"Something is wrong with you tonight" No, I'm just...giggly. "Anything you want baby." "That's a lot to offer." Oh what little you know sweetheart. Let's exchange body heat.

I feel the need to dance...drum my fingers...FUCK...I just want body heat...
Flesh on flesh. I love that word...flesh...like melting chocolate on my tongue, flesh.

He thinks I'm on drugs...be my drug. Be my Mary Jane, my acid, my ECTASY. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. Willa Wonka was a GOD. Johnny Depp was a GOD. I want to taste flesh, the salty tang of it on my warm, waiting tongue.

Everyone on this earth is a product of sex. A one night stand in Cabo, true fucking love, rape in the back of a car with no air conditioning...everyone is a product.

This is the end. Thank you

Here again

Listening to Taylor Swift and texting the boy he doesn't like me talking to about things he doesn't like me talking about. Oh well...he knows I do it anyway. I am not his puppy, I am not on a leash. It's my life...he's my friend, and he knows I'm not going to stop talking to him. I should, a good girlfriend would respect her boyfriends' wishes...guess I'm not that good.

He's sweet and fun to talk to...I'm not going to leave Alexx for him and Jeffery knows that. He's going to find a girlfriend...he's hot. It'll be easy for him. "I guess I'll have to find a girl I don't like as much as you to be my girlfriend" he said...see? He's not a threat. I admit, I thought he was for a while...but I love Alexx. I do.

I'm 15. I know that chances are, this won't last forever, but every now and again there's a couple that beats the odds...right? Next year he'll be in college...that's my fear. He's moving on to bigger and better things. By this time next year I may be old news. Last years model. [[sigh]] This is lifes' curve ball...and I quit softball .

My brother got married...2 down, 3 to go. I like Lydia, she's sweet...and really quite gorgeous. But the wedding SUCKED. The preachers went on and on about crap. How the woman should respect everything her husband does because he's her "spiritual head" and that she needs to do this and this for him and blah blah blah...I wanted to shoot the preacher in the face. I texted the whole time...Thanks Jeffery and Alexx, you guys saved me. I do not want a huge wedding, something simple is fine with me. Eloping seems fantastic right now...

I miss Dylan again, I thought about the first time we met. We clicked so fast...I've never had that before. And he was so sweet. It amazes me that God created someone so wonderful...or that a person like that exsists. Too bad he's gay =)
Maybe that's a good thing, I can't corrupt him like I have a tendancy to do...wait, maybe I already did. Whoops. Haha. I love him so much. No matter where I go in life, I doubt I'll forget him. We go to different schools but still...

I've been thinking about the future and I've realized something...it scares the hell out of me. It shouldn't, everyone grows up and moves on...it can't be that bad. But I just think; what happens when I go to college and leave all my friends behind? Will I make new ones? Good ones? Will I be alright? And what happens when I start my career and get married? Will I even want kids...? Homeless people, with the exception of being hungry, homeless, and having to brace the harshness of weather, seem to have it made. They don't worry about failing out of high school and maintaining a career...way to go homeless bums. You guys are the true American Dream.

Anyway...I guess that's it. Party tonight...not going. I'm not trusted, and I don't really want to go...I just want something to do...someone to do. Ha!

I finally

Got what I wanted...right? I wanted him to admit that he'd fight for me, that he really does love me. That I actually made him JEALOUS. He doesn't like me talking to Jeffery but he says he won't ask me to stop, he's threatened. He "needs" me, "Please don't leave me. Please don't go" and I don't, and I won't, right now.



And I tell him maybe he should try showing that he loves me a little more through the little things. Things that don't cost money...open the door for me, brush the hair out of my face and say you love me, send me text messages calling me beautiful. And he does...and I wonder; "How long will this new, improved, sweet boy last?" "Until you do something stupid again." Whoops...guess I won't be doing that again huh?



He blames himself for me cheating. He shouldn't, it wasn't his fault, he didn't do anything. He justs wants to justify my cheating. And he admits to that, but, like me, he will lie to himself so much...eventually he'll believe it. This is his reason why he didn't come over and stop me.



He didn't want me to make a scene. He didn't want to make a scene. He was afraid of what I'd do or say. He was afraid I'd leave him in front of all those people. He didn't want to be embarrassed. He didn't want to hurt Jeffery. He didn't want to remember it after that night.

HE WAS AFRAID

And that's fine. Everyone gets scared sometimes. After he saw me kissing Jeffery he just wanted to get drunk, he wanted to get so drunk he wouldn't remember what I did to him. How could I do that? After yesterday I question myself again; "How could I hurt such a wonderful person? Someone that loves me so much and would do almost anything for me? What kind of girl am I?" My answer; I don't know. I honestly have no idea.

And part of me STILL manages to be confused. To even CONTEMPLATE being with someone other than Alexx. ERG. I won't, I can't, I don't leave him for the arms of another. No matter how sweet he may seem, how funny or cute...I don't love him. I like him, yes, that I cannot deny. But I will NOT ruin the best thing to ever happen to me, to him, to us.

& He's my little oddball

I shouldn't like him...I love Kidder. But, God...I can't help it. His lips, his tongue ring, his...him.

This is something I wrote this morning...I think it explains things better.

"Could what I did Friday really be considered cheating? If my boyfriend was right there, watching my every move and doing nothing to stop it. I didn't go far; it was only kissing. I don't know what came over me. He just...felt good, smelled nice, and he was a good kisser. I acted like a slut, a 10 cent whore. I should be ashamed of what I did, but I'm not. Jeffery actually liked me. He was the first boy [[besides Julian]], to like me since I've been with Alexx. I liked it. Kidder and I make 5 months today, I fear we may not last much longer. I love him, honestly, I do. But part of me really likes Jeffery. Is that wrong? To have a crush on someone when you love another? It's only a crush, he's just a friend. It's not like I'm going to act on it. I'm not confused, I'm so confused. What's wrong with me?! I feel detached from Alexx and I don't know why. I just to talk to him, hold him, feel his lips on mine again. Alexx, not Jeffery. My Kidder Lee. The boy who means so much to me. I feel somewhat like I'm being torn apart at the seams. It'll be okay, everything will be okay."

Kidder misses me...the last time I saw him was Saturday where we got busted laying him bed. First time...ever. And yet, I miss...well. You know. What is the matter with me?! How can I be doing this to him, to me, to us? Am I that cold hearted? I love Kidder...God. I know I do. What happened Friday was a one time only thing...ONE TIME. But why do I want it again? It was...nice, to be wanted again. To be called beautiful again...

Oh my god, it's a Drey/Ray situation...except in real life. Jeffery is Drey and he's fucking with my mind to try and make me fall for him and leave Kidder [[Ray]] I WON'T FALL FOR IT AGAIN. No way. I love Alexander Lee Kidder. I love him, I'm meant for him and he's meant for me. I am, I am, I am.

He's upsetting me...I want my sweet boy back. The one that called me beautiful everyday and told me how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how he scared me by saying he wanted to be with me forever. I hate that word; forever. It makes me sick. Nothing is forever...

I have a new friend, that's it. A new friend that likes me. A friend who wants to take me hunting but won't make me kill anything. A friend that will pwn me a video games but then let me win. Just a FRIEND. His name is Jeffery Ryan Afemon, and he is my friend, my little oddball. He's my friend, I made out with him, and he has a tongue ring. He says he likes me, he says I'm gorgeous. And he is my friend. My friend, my friend.

You think

It bothers me that you hate me? That I annoy you? Oh fucking well...I'm never even around you, you dumbass slut. It's not my fault you ruined your life and got pregnant for that immature bastard. You think your going to marry him and live happily ever after? Are you RETARTED? Wait, don't answer that, we already know. Everyone knows you and that idiot won't last.

Your a mean girl, your two-faced and rude and arrogant and stupid. You'll never amount to anything in life. Even without the baby, you'd still be nothing. Because your stupid. You just posted a bulletin saying you won't drop to your knees to make a boy like you...ha! and you called me a liar.

I have ugly, saggy boobs? At least I don't have a child nursing on mine. I made out with you and Lori that night because I was confused, but I'm not anymore. Your the mother who's STILL sexually confused. And your a bitch, I don't think anyone really likes you. You say no one likes me? Well I know for a fact your full of shit. However, you don't even get along with the boy you had a child with, your the one that fights and pushes away anyone who's ever tried to be nice to you. So what does that say about you Sara huh?

I annoy you? Big deal, get over it. I'm never near you. My boyfriend may not be the smartest, hottest one out there but at least he brushes his teeth and doesn't eat off the ground. At least he hasn't made out with 5 other girls while I watched. Alright? So stop trying to act all high and mighty and pretend your better than everyone else. Your not, your ugly white trash.