& He's my little oddball

I shouldn't like him...I love Kidder. But, God...I can't help it. His lips, his tongue ring, his...him.

This is something I wrote this morning...I think it explains things better.

"Could what I did Friday really be considered cheating? If my boyfriend was right there, watching my every move and doing nothing to stop it. I didn't go far; it was only kissing. I don't know what came over me. He just...felt good, smelled nice, and he was a good kisser. I acted like a slut, a 10 cent whore. I should be ashamed of what I did, but I'm not. Jeffery actually liked me. He was the first boy [[besides Julian]], to like me since I've been with Alexx. I liked it. Kidder and I make 5 months today, I fear we may not last much longer. I love him, honestly, I do. But part of me really likes Jeffery. Is that wrong? To have a crush on someone when you love another? It's only a crush, he's just a friend. It's not like I'm going to act on it. I'm not confused, I'm so confused. What's wrong with me?! I feel detached from Alexx and I don't know why. I just to talk to him, hold him, feel his lips on mine again. Alexx, not Jeffery. My Kidder Lee. The boy who means so much to me. I feel somewhat like I'm being torn apart at the seams. It'll be okay, everything will be okay."

Kidder misses me...the last time I saw him was Saturday where we got busted laying him bed. First time...ever. And yet, I miss...well. You know. What is the matter with me?! How can I be doing this to him, to me, to us? Am I that cold hearted? I love Kidder...God. I know I do. What happened Friday was a one time only thing...ONE TIME. But why do I want it again? It was...nice, to be wanted again. To be called beautiful again...

Oh my god, it's a Drey/Ray situation...except in real life. Jeffery is Drey and he's fucking with my mind to try and make me fall for him and leave Kidder [[Ray]] I WON'T FALL FOR IT AGAIN. No way. I love Alexander Lee Kidder. I love him, I'm meant for him and he's meant for me. I am, I am, I am.

He's upsetting me...I want my sweet boy back. The one that called me beautiful everyday and told me how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how he scared me by saying he wanted to be with me forever. I hate that word; forever. It makes me sick. Nothing is forever...

I have a new friend, that's it. A new friend that likes me. A friend who wants to take me hunting but won't make me kill anything. A friend that will pwn me a video games but then let me win. Just a FRIEND. His name is Jeffery Ryan Afemon, and he is my friend, my little oddball. He's my friend, I made out with him, and he has a tongue ring. He says he likes me, he says I'm gorgeous. And he is my friend. My friend, my friend.