I finally

Got what I wanted...right? I wanted him to admit that he'd fight for me, that he really does love me. That I actually made him JEALOUS. He doesn't like me talking to Jeffery but he says he won't ask me to stop, he's threatened. He "needs" me, "Please don't leave me. Please don't go" and I don't, and I won't, right now.



And I tell him maybe he should try showing that he loves me a little more through the little things. Things that don't cost money...open the door for me, brush the hair out of my face and say you love me, send me text messages calling me beautiful. And he does...and I wonder; "How long will this new, improved, sweet boy last?" "Until you do something stupid again." Whoops...guess I won't be doing that again huh?



He blames himself for me cheating. He shouldn't, it wasn't his fault, he didn't do anything. He justs wants to justify my cheating. And he admits to that, but, like me, he will lie to himself so much...eventually he'll believe it. This is his reason why he didn't come over and stop me.



He didn't want me to make a scene. He didn't want to make a scene. He was afraid of what I'd do or say. He was afraid I'd leave him in front of all those people. He didn't want to be embarrassed. He didn't want to hurt Jeffery. He didn't want to remember it after that night.

HE WAS AFRAID

And that's fine. Everyone gets scared sometimes. After he saw me kissing Jeffery he just wanted to get drunk, he wanted to get so drunk he wouldn't remember what I did to him. How could I do that? After yesterday I question myself again; "How could I hurt such a wonderful person? Someone that loves me so much and would do almost anything for me? What kind of girl am I?" My answer; I don't know. I honestly have no idea.

And part of me STILL manages to be confused. To even CONTEMPLATE being with someone other than Alexx. ERG. I won't, I can't, I don't leave him for the arms of another. No matter how sweet he may seem, how funny or cute...I don't love him. I like him, yes, that I cannot deny. But I will NOT ruin the best thing to ever happen to me, to him, to us.

& He's my little oddball

I shouldn't like him...I love Kidder. But, God...I can't help it. His lips, his tongue ring, his...him.

This is something I wrote this morning...I think it explains things better.

"Could what I did Friday really be considered cheating? If my boyfriend was right there, watching my every move and doing nothing to stop it. I didn't go far; it was only kissing. I don't know what came over me. He just...felt good, smelled nice, and he was a good kisser. I acted like a slut, a 10 cent whore. I should be ashamed of what I did, but I'm not. Jeffery actually liked me. He was the first boy [[besides Julian]], to like me since I've been with Alexx. I liked it. Kidder and I make 5 months today, I fear we may not last much longer. I love him, honestly, I do. But part of me really likes Jeffery. Is that wrong? To have a crush on someone when you love another? It's only a crush, he's just a friend. It's not like I'm going to act on it. I'm not confused, I'm so confused. What's wrong with me?! I feel detached from Alexx and I don't know why. I just to talk to him, hold him, feel his lips on mine again. Alexx, not Jeffery. My Kidder Lee. The boy who means so much to me. I feel somewhat like I'm being torn apart at the seams. It'll be okay, everything will be okay."

Kidder misses me...the last time I saw him was Saturday where we got busted laying him bed. First time...ever. And yet, I miss...well. You know. What is the matter with me?! How can I be doing this to him, to me, to us? Am I that cold hearted? I love Kidder...God. I know I do. What happened Friday was a one time only thing...ONE TIME. But why do I want it again? It was...nice, to be wanted again. To be called beautiful again...

Oh my god, it's a Drey/Ray situation...except in real life. Jeffery is Drey and he's fucking with my mind to try and make me fall for him and leave Kidder [[Ray]] I WON'T FALL FOR IT AGAIN. No way. I love Alexander Lee Kidder. I love him, I'm meant for him and he's meant for me. I am, I am, I am.

He's upsetting me...I want my sweet boy back. The one that called me beautiful everyday and told me how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how he scared me by saying he wanted to be with me forever. I hate that word; forever. It makes me sick. Nothing is forever...

I have a new friend, that's it. A new friend that likes me. A friend who wants to take me hunting but won't make me kill anything. A friend that will pwn me a video games but then let me win. Just a FRIEND. His name is Jeffery Ryan Afemon, and he is my friend, my little oddball. He's my friend, I made out with him, and he has a tongue ring. He says he likes me, he says I'm gorgeous. And he is my friend. My friend, my friend.

You think

It bothers me that you hate me? That I annoy you? Oh fucking well...I'm never even around you, you dumbass slut. It's not my fault you ruined your life and got pregnant for that immature bastard. You think your going to marry him and live happily ever after? Are you RETARTED? Wait, don't answer that, we already know. Everyone knows you and that idiot won't last.

Your a mean girl, your two-faced and rude and arrogant and stupid. You'll never amount to anything in life. Even without the baby, you'd still be nothing. Because your stupid. You just posted a bulletin saying you won't drop to your knees to make a boy like you...ha! and you called me a liar.

I have ugly, saggy boobs? At least I don't have a child nursing on mine. I made out with you and Lori that night because I was confused, but I'm not anymore. Your the mother who's STILL sexually confused. And your a bitch, I don't think anyone really likes you. You say no one likes me? Well I know for a fact your full of shit. However, you don't even get along with the boy you had a child with, your the one that fights and pushes away anyone who's ever tried to be nice to you. So what does that say about you Sara huh?

I annoy you? Big deal, get over it. I'm never near you. My boyfriend may not be the smartest, hottest one out there but at least he brushes his teeth and doesn't eat off the ground. At least he hasn't made out with 5 other girls while I watched. Alright? So stop trying to act all high and mighty and pretend your better than everyone else. Your not, your ugly white trash.

On my mind

I don't hate you, I no longer love nor respect you though. What you did was a horrible, stupid, thoughtless thing to do and I will NEVER forgive you for it.

I always thought I'd be the one to break up The Girls, I guess in a way I am doing that, but it's your fault. You had no right to say the things you said, even if you did mean them. Bitch. And you certainly should not have posted them on myspace, even though now it's gone and no one will see it ever again. The point stands that people did see it. I hate you for doing that.

You'll never "steal" him from me, he doesn't like you. He loves me and I love him. Whether you believe it or not, I couldn't care less. He's not just using me for sex, so stop trying to plant that idea in my head, I don't believe you. I don't want you talking to him, not because I don't trust him and not because I'm threatened by you. But because I don't want you being invovled in my life anymore, I don't want you knowing things you don't deserve to know and I don't want him "flirting" with you when he isn't and you taking it the wrong way.

Your scrapbook pages are ugly, your hair is ugly, your body is ugly, and to top it off, your ugly on the inside. Oh, and I hate your poems...they suck.
Your a terrible friend and a bad person, it's no wonder people like me better. And I'm not saying that to sound concited, I'm saying it because it's true. Most everyone I've ever asked has either hated you or liked me better. It's almost sad, but when you think about how you treat people you can't help but realize it's true.

You treat everyone around you like crap because you don't like yourself, and when your sad you bring everyone else around you down to pick yourself up. You tease people when you have no room to talk, and when you do have room to talk you abuse the power. You complain constantly about never having a real boyfriend and when you do get one you break up with him a week later because of one flaw. If you didn't completely eliminate boys because you don't like one thing about them, you could have a chance to be happy. You won't take blonds or big guys but your in love with a boy with burn scars and half a toe and you dated one with a hairlip...
The only ones you do find near perfect live millions of miles away and the others are probably 45 year old pedophiles.

Your jealous of me because I finally found someone great, so you do things to try and ruin our relationship. Your a poison, a venom who kills everything. You talk about your friends behind their backs and destroy some of the best things you have...then cry about it later. You sobbed over an asshole who treated you like shit and never liked you, a boy you had no chance with to begin with...and yet, who made out and snuggled with that same asshole? Oh yeah, ME. Does that not prove who the better person is yet?

You say I insulted you by calling your sister a bitch, but you know she's said worse about me. If she didn't act like one I wouldn't call her one. You shouldn't have told her what I did with Ethan, or how old Alexx is...your stupid. Those were secrets between us and us only. But you don't know when to keep your mouth shut. Your close to your sister...great, but I'm close to Alexx and Laura, but I keep your secrets away from them. Why couldn't you do the same for me? Your sister not only hates me, she thinks I'm a slut too. Great. And for the record, I never did like her...even before she said those things about my boyfriend. She's always been a bitch. Opening her mouth and saying things about me and my life made it no better.

She wants to call me ugly? Maybe she should take a look in the mirror and invest in some ProActive...and call the STD clinic, because she's a walking ad for herpes.

Yes, I went there. I was sick and tired of holding all this in. I want nothing more than to say this all to your face, but I won't...because I don't want to get suspended or fist fight with you...I don't want to hurt you mentally, emotionally, AND physically.

Your pathetic, you always have been pathetic and you will be like that forever. Why don't you just grow up and get lost? Do the world a favor.

Alcohol

I hate alcohol...I hate being drunk. I hate not knowing what's going on. I hate the way it tastes and I hate the way it makes me act.

I am straightedge from here on out. 100% No drugs, no cigarettes, no ALCOHOL. Not that I did any of that before anyway.

The Story: My first time being drunk. Last night. Jenn's reception. 10-23-07. Age 15. Young? You bet...but older than most. Started off slow...one beer...a swig of Jack and coke here and there. [[nasty]] Until I decided I wanted to get trashed...just once, see what it was really like. It felt just like it sounds, trashy. I gulped down wine after wine, ate crackers to fill my stomache. I think the reason I got so drunk so fast is because my tummy was empty.

"Am I drunk?" I didn't even know, never having drunk before. Stumbling around...dancing with Brandon...couldn't stay up in my seat. Stupid teenage boys. "How can you be drunk without a beer in your hand?" "Have another." "Your not drunk yet." Bull...mean people. At least I knew when to stop and not accept anymore. Plus, beer is nasty.

I walk outside with Brittany, my blanket, my safe person, although she's well on her way to being drunk herself. I hug a pole to keep my balence. Stupid boys follow outside. Jordan Pervis wanted a kiss..."No, I'm dating Kidder" He kisses me anyway [[I think]] He's a BAD kisser...
"Yo he wants to fuck" Who's he? "No I will not have sex with him. I'm dating KIDDER" I don't.
Note: Alcohol did NOT make these boys attractive. To make matters worse there were TWO SETS OF TWINS!!! "Your [[name]] I know that" "No I'm [[other name]]" Dammit...I give up.

I stumble inside..."Who brought me in here?" Laughter..."She's drunk" Yeah, I am. It's apparant to me at this point. Some girl "Will you dance with me?" "Me? Sure, okay" We dance...I'm supposedly staring into space during this...I think I kissed Lori, not a tongue-swapping thing...just a peck. "Someone call my daddy" Not until she's sober. I call...I'm ready to leave that place...those drinks. Carlos calls out "Bye, cutie"...Shadow haha

I get home...stumble to my room. Fall. Knock over my mirror. Finally undress and fall on my bed. Hurl...get it up Natale. Brutus rids me of most of it. Wakes me up at 5. I feel better, not good, but better. I text Kidder...he calls. I tell my story. He says I'm still a little toasted...the room starts spinning. I go back to sleep. Wake up at 8. Oh my, I have to meet the family today. I can't be hung-over for that...All is well. I just feel a little ill.

My body betrays me...I stumble and tilt and my knees are weak. My mind is blurry. I think "I'm sober, I'm fine" I'm neither. I am impaired mentally and physically. Alcohol is a horrible invention. I hate it. I will not be my mother, I will not solve my problems by fucking up my body and mind. I may not respect much, but I respect myself. I have a future, and alcohol is not a part of it.

That stupid girl. Let it DIE!!! I did, I didn't bring it up not once after we agreed to drop it. I cared, yes, and I still feel the way I did before you wrote that stupid letter calling me out.

I hold my tongue in class, avoid what nasty comments I can. Snide remarks leave my mouth, but I coat them with sugar so you don't comprehend what I'm saying. "I don't appreciate you calling my sister a bitch" Well if she didn't act like one I wouldn't call her one. If you



tbc

Tearing Apart

I'm emo today
Bloodshot eyes and broken hearts
Splitting at the seams

This is the only place where I can truly spill my guts without fear...
Today was a BAD day...two HUGE fights. I hardly remember what this mornings was about, me not wanting to have sex I guess. But he came back for me...saw the hurt in my eyes. I faked a horrible headache...screaming and crying and breathing insanely. Wanted to take me to the hospital. No...

He slept until ten. I photoshopped, talked online...me things. Finally woke him up...thought the father was returning. Wrong. Finally gave him, gave myself to him. Didn't want to. Felt guilty.

Barbra showed up outta the blue, scared the dickens out of us. Scrambling to put on clothes. Fearing for the worst. Just a black lady, brought me candy and such. Very sweet.

Went to lunch [[he paid for once]]
Went to Wal-Mart where he upset me very much. Had the nerve to tell me it was time to grow up. Fuck him. I'm only 15 years old Mr. Almost 20. I have time to be immature and not appreciate things. I grew up faster than any child should have, so please, allow me to bask in semi-immaturity while I still have that option.

Came home, wasn't going to tell him what he said to upset me. Didn't want to start another fight. Did anyway. Told him he forced me into sex...he left. I tried to stop him, fought him to stay, blocked his way out, clung to him with all my strength.

TO BE CONTINUED