Dance to this beat

I have to write this down...my thoughts buzzing in my head...ZOE.TROPE.EXSISTS
Z.T. makes me THINK like HER.

I miss my glitter boy...I want him. I want to fuck his mouth with my tongue. I want to clutch his body to mine and have our heart beats merge together as one. I want to take his hand in mine and run through streets, cause car crashes and heart attacks. The constant beep beep of a heart moniter. FLAT LINE. I need that. I need him. I need to rip his shirt off and kiss his chest, his stomache. Kiss his neck, his shoulders, that smooth, gay skin. I might as well just fuck him, orgasm right here and now. Swoon.

Now him, I really could fuck. He's straight and wants me...I want that tongue right a little south of my belly button. I want his flesh on mine...his scent all over me. Press me up against a wall and bang me in an alley. Take me baby, I'm yours tonight. Make me your virgin. I lie...I really just want to hold you, kiss you, seduce you. I think back to that night with Luke, how amazing he was...so sweet and soft. And I want that with you.

"Are you two dating?" "No, it's just casual sex." Only it isn't...we aren't fucking. Let's fuck baby. My mouth is a cunt and your tongue is a hungry cock. Oh.


I'm freaking out my boyfriend, telling him about the things I want to do with a gay man and prancing around my room singing Panic! at the disco. I'm very...flittery tonight. Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head.
"This is your brain on acid." This is my brain on Trope.
Jordan Greene is not attractive, Jordan Greene is a douche bag, Jordan Greene...make me intelligent. Don't let me waste my life away Jordan Greene...I'm counting on you.

"Something is wrong with you tonight" No, I'm just...giggly. "Anything you want baby." "That's a lot to offer." Oh what little you know sweetheart. Let's exchange body heat.

I feel the need to dance...drum my fingers...FUCK...I just want body heat...
Flesh on flesh. I love that word...flesh...like melting chocolate on my tongue, flesh.

He thinks I'm on drugs...be my drug. Be my Mary Jane, my acid, my ECTASY. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. Willa Wonka was a GOD. Johnny Depp was a GOD. I want to taste flesh, the salty tang of it on my warm, waiting tongue.

Everyone on this earth is a product of sex. A one night stand in Cabo, true fucking love, rape in the back of a car with no air conditioning...everyone is a product.

This is the end. Thank you

Here again

Listening to Taylor Swift and texting the boy he doesn't like me talking to about things he doesn't like me talking about. Oh well...he knows I do it anyway. I am not his puppy, I am not on a leash. It's my life...he's my friend, and he knows I'm not going to stop talking to him. I should, a good girlfriend would respect her boyfriends' wishes...guess I'm not that good.

He's sweet and fun to talk to...I'm not going to leave Alexx for him and Jeffery knows that. He's going to find a girlfriend...he's hot. It'll be easy for him. "I guess I'll have to find a girl I don't like as much as you to be my girlfriend" he said...see? He's not a threat. I admit, I thought he was for a while...but I love Alexx. I do.

I'm 15. I know that chances are, this won't last forever, but every now and again there's a couple that beats the odds...right? Next year he'll be in college...that's my fear. He's moving on to bigger and better things. By this time next year I may be old news. Last years model. [[sigh]] This is lifes' curve ball...and I quit softball .

My brother got married...2 down, 3 to go. I like Lydia, she's sweet...and really quite gorgeous. But the wedding SUCKED. The preachers went on and on about crap. How the woman should respect everything her husband does because he's her "spiritual head" and that she needs to do this and this for him and blah blah blah...I wanted to shoot the preacher in the face. I texted the whole time...Thanks Jeffery and Alexx, you guys saved me. I do not want a huge wedding, something simple is fine with me. Eloping seems fantastic right now...

I miss Dylan again, I thought about the first time we met. We clicked so fast...I've never had that before. And he was so sweet. It amazes me that God created someone so wonderful...or that a person like that exsists. Too bad he's gay =)
Maybe that's a good thing, I can't corrupt him like I have a tendancy to do...wait, maybe I already did. Whoops. Haha. I love him so much. No matter where I go in life, I doubt I'll forget him. We go to different schools but still...

I've been thinking about the future and I've realized something...it scares the hell out of me. It shouldn't, everyone grows up and moves on...it can't be that bad. But I just think; what happens when I go to college and leave all my friends behind? Will I make new ones? Good ones? Will I be alright? And what happens when I start my career and get married? Will I even want kids...? Homeless people, with the exception of being hungry, homeless, and having to brace the harshness of weather, seem to have it made. They don't worry about failing out of high school and maintaining a career...way to go homeless bums. You guys are the true American Dream.

Anyway...I guess that's it. Party tonight...not going. I'm not trusted, and I don't really want to go...I just want something to do...someone to do. Ha!

I finally

Got what I wanted...right? I wanted him to admit that he'd fight for me, that he really does love me. That I actually made him JEALOUS. He doesn't like me talking to Jeffery but he says he won't ask me to stop, he's threatened. He "needs" me, "Please don't leave me. Please don't go" and I don't, and I won't, right now.



And I tell him maybe he should try showing that he loves me a little more through the little things. Things that don't cost money...open the door for me, brush the hair out of my face and say you love me, send me text messages calling me beautiful. And he does...and I wonder; "How long will this new, improved, sweet boy last?" "Until you do something stupid again." Whoops...guess I won't be doing that again huh?



He blames himself for me cheating. He shouldn't, it wasn't his fault, he didn't do anything. He justs wants to justify my cheating. And he admits to that, but, like me, he will lie to himself so much...eventually he'll believe it. This is his reason why he didn't come over and stop me.



He didn't want me to make a scene. He didn't want to make a scene. He was afraid of what I'd do or say. He was afraid I'd leave him in front of all those people. He didn't want to be embarrassed. He didn't want to hurt Jeffery. He didn't want to remember it after that night.

HE WAS AFRAID

And that's fine. Everyone gets scared sometimes. After he saw me kissing Jeffery he just wanted to get drunk, he wanted to get so drunk he wouldn't remember what I did to him. How could I do that? After yesterday I question myself again; "How could I hurt such a wonderful person? Someone that loves me so much and would do almost anything for me? What kind of girl am I?" My answer; I don't know. I honestly have no idea.

And part of me STILL manages to be confused. To even CONTEMPLATE being with someone other than Alexx. ERG. I won't, I can't, I don't leave him for the arms of another. No matter how sweet he may seem, how funny or cute...I don't love him. I like him, yes, that I cannot deny. But I will NOT ruin the best thing to ever happen to me, to him, to us.

& He's my little oddball

I shouldn't like him...I love Kidder. But, God...I can't help it. His lips, his tongue ring, his...him.

This is something I wrote this morning...I think it explains things better.

"Could what I did Friday really be considered cheating? If my boyfriend was right there, watching my every move and doing nothing to stop it. I didn't go far; it was only kissing. I don't know what came over me. He just...felt good, smelled nice, and he was a good kisser. I acted like a slut, a 10 cent whore. I should be ashamed of what I did, but I'm not. Jeffery actually liked me. He was the first boy [[besides Julian]], to like me since I've been with Alexx. I liked it. Kidder and I make 5 months today, I fear we may not last much longer. I love him, honestly, I do. But part of me really likes Jeffery. Is that wrong? To have a crush on someone when you love another? It's only a crush, he's just a friend. It's not like I'm going to act on it. I'm not confused, I'm so confused. What's wrong with me?! I feel detached from Alexx and I don't know why. I just to talk to him, hold him, feel his lips on mine again. Alexx, not Jeffery. My Kidder Lee. The boy who means so much to me. I feel somewhat like I'm being torn apart at the seams. It'll be okay, everything will be okay."

Kidder misses me...the last time I saw him was Saturday where we got busted laying him bed. First time...ever. And yet, I miss...well. You know. What is the matter with me?! How can I be doing this to him, to me, to us? Am I that cold hearted? I love Kidder...God. I know I do. What happened Friday was a one time only thing...ONE TIME. But why do I want it again? It was...nice, to be wanted again. To be called beautiful again...

Oh my god, it's a Drey/Ray situation...except in real life. Jeffery is Drey and he's fucking with my mind to try and make me fall for him and leave Kidder [[Ray]] I WON'T FALL FOR IT AGAIN. No way. I love Alexander Lee Kidder. I love him, I'm meant for him and he's meant for me. I am, I am, I am.

He's upsetting me...I want my sweet boy back. The one that called me beautiful everyday and told me how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how he scared me by saying he wanted to be with me forever. I hate that word; forever. It makes me sick. Nothing is forever...

I have a new friend, that's it. A new friend that likes me. A friend who wants to take me hunting but won't make me kill anything. A friend that will pwn me a video games but then let me win. Just a FRIEND. His name is Jeffery Ryan Afemon, and he is my friend, my little oddball. He's my friend, I made out with him, and he has a tongue ring. He says he likes me, he says I'm gorgeous. And he is my friend. My friend, my friend.

You think

It bothers me that you hate me? That I annoy you? Oh fucking well...I'm never even around you, you dumbass slut. It's not my fault you ruined your life and got pregnant for that immature bastard. You think your going to marry him and live happily ever after? Are you RETARTED? Wait, don't answer that, we already know. Everyone knows you and that idiot won't last.

Your a mean girl, your two-faced and rude and arrogant and stupid. You'll never amount to anything in life. Even without the baby, you'd still be nothing. Because your stupid. You just posted a bulletin saying you won't drop to your knees to make a boy like you...ha! and you called me a liar.

I have ugly, saggy boobs? At least I don't have a child nursing on mine. I made out with you and Lori that night because I was confused, but I'm not anymore. Your the mother who's STILL sexually confused. And your a bitch, I don't think anyone really likes you. You say no one likes me? Well I know for a fact your full of shit. However, you don't even get along with the boy you had a child with, your the one that fights and pushes away anyone who's ever tried to be nice to you. So what does that say about you Sara huh?

I annoy you? Big deal, get over it. I'm never near you. My boyfriend may not be the smartest, hottest one out there but at least he brushes his teeth and doesn't eat off the ground. At least he hasn't made out with 5 other girls while I watched. Alright? So stop trying to act all high and mighty and pretend your better than everyone else. Your not, your ugly white trash.

On my mind

I don't hate you, I no longer love nor respect you though. What you did was a horrible, stupid, thoughtless thing to do and I will NEVER forgive you for it.

I always thought I'd be the one to break up The Girls, I guess in a way I am doing that, but it's your fault. You had no right to say the things you said, even if you did mean them. Bitch. And you certainly should not have posted them on myspace, even though now it's gone and no one will see it ever again. The point stands that people did see it. I hate you for doing that.

You'll never "steal" him from me, he doesn't like you. He loves me and I love him. Whether you believe it or not, I couldn't care less. He's not just using me for sex, so stop trying to plant that idea in my head, I don't believe you. I don't want you talking to him, not because I don't trust him and not because I'm threatened by you. But because I don't want you being invovled in my life anymore, I don't want you knowing things you don't deserve to know and I don't want him "flirting" with you when he isn't and you taking it the wrong way.

Your scrapbook pages are ugly, your hair is ugly, your body is ugly, and to top it off, your ugly on the inside. Oh, and I hate your poems...they suck.
Your a terrible friend and a bad person, it's no wonder people like me better. And I'm not saying that to sound concited, I'm saying it because it's true. Most everyone I've ever asked has either hated you or liked me better. It's almost sad, but when you think about how you treat people you can't help but realize it's true.

You treat everyone around you like crap because you don't like yourself, and when your sad you bring everyone else around you down to pick yourself up. You tease people when you have no room to talk, and when you do have room to talk you abuse the power. You complain constantly about never having a real boyfriend and when you do get one you break up with him a week later because of one flaw. If you didn't completely eliminate boys because you don't like one thing about them, you could have a chance to be happy. You won't take blonds or big guys but your in love with a boy with burn scars and half a toe and you dated one with a hairlip...
The only ones you do find near perfect live millions of miles away and the others are probably 45 year old pedophiles.

Your jealous of me because I finally found someone great, so you do things to try and ruin our relationship. Your a poison, a venom who kills everything. You talk about your friends behind their backs and destroy some of the best things you have...then cry about it later. You sobbed over an asshole who treated you like shit and never liked you, a boy you had no chance with to begin with...and yet, who made out and snuggled with that same asshole? Oh yeah, ME. Does that not prove who the better person is yet?

You say I insulted you by calling your sister a bitch, but you know she's said worse about me. If she didn't act like one I wouldn't call her one. You shouldn't have told her what I did with Ethan, or how old Alexx is...your stupid. Those were secrets between us and us only. But you don't know when to keep your mouth shut. Your close to your sister...great, but I'm close to Alexx and Laura, but I keep your secrets away from them. Why couldn't you do the same for me? Your sister not only hates me, she thinks I'm a slut too. Great. And for the record, I never did like her...even before she said those things about my boyfriend. She's always been a bitch. Opening her mouth and saying things about me and my life made it no better.

She wants to call me ugly? Maybe she should take a look in the mirror and invest in some ProActive...and call the STD clinic, because she's a walking ad for herpes.

Yes, I went there. I was sick and tired of holding all this in. I want nothing more than to say this all to your face, but I won't...because I don't want to get suspended or fist fight with you...I don't want to hurt you mentally, emotionally, AND physically.

Your pathetic, you always have been pathetic and you will be like that forever. Why don't you just grow up and get lost? Do the world a favor.

Alcohol

I hate alcohol...I hate being drunk. I hate not knowing what's going on. I hate the way it tastes and I hate the way it makes me act.

I am straightedge from here on out. 100% No drugs, no cigarettes, no ALCOHOL. Not that I did any of that before anyway.

The Story: My first time being drunk. Last night. Jenn's reception. 10-23-07. Age 15. Young? You bet...but older than most. Started off slow...one beer...a swig of Jack and coke here and there. [[nasty]] Until I decided I wanted to get trashed...just once, see what it was really like. It felt just like it sounds, trashy. I gulped down wine after wine, ate crackers to fill my stomache. I think the reason I got so drunk so fast is because my tummy was empty.

"Am I drunk?" I didn't even know, never having drunk before. Stumbling around...dancing with Brandon...couldn't stay up in my seat. Stupid teenage boys. "How can you be drunk without a beer in your hand?" "Have another." "Your not drunk yet." Bull...mean people. At least I knew when to stop and not accept anymore. Plus, beer is nasty.

I walk outside with Brittany, my blanket, my safe person, although she's well on her way to being drunk herself. I hug a pole to keep my balence. Stupid boys follow outside. Jordan Pervis wanted a kiss..."No, I'm dating Kidder" He kisses me anyway [[I think]] He's a BAD kisser...
"Yo he wants to fuck" Who's he? "No I will not have sex with him. I'm dating KIDDER" I don't.
Note: Alcohol did NOT make these boys attractive. To make matters worse there were TWO SETS OF TWINS!!! "Your [[name]] I know that" "No I'm [[other name]]" Dammit...I give up.

I stumble inside..."Who brought me in here?" Laughter..."She's drunk" Yeah, I am. It's apparant to me at this point. Some girl "Will you dance with me?" "Me? Sure, okay" We dance...I'm supposedly staring into space during this...I think I kissed Lori, not a tongue-swapping thing...just a peck. "Someone call my daddy" Not until she's sober. I call...I'm ready to leave that place...those drinks. Carlos calls out "Bye, cutie"...Shadow haha

I get home...stumble to my room. Fall. Knock over my mirror. Finally undress and fall on my bed. Hurl...get it up Natale. Brutus rids me of most of it. Wakes me up at 5. I feel better, not good, but better. I text Kidder...he calls. I tell my story. He says I'm still a little toasted...the room starts spinning. I go back to sleep. Wake up at 8. Oh my, I have to meet the family today. I can't be hung-over for that...All is well. I just feel a little ill.

My body betrays me...I stumble and tilt and my knees are weak. My mind is blurry. I think "I'm sober, I'm fine" I'm neither. I am impaired mentally and physically. Alcohol is a horrible invention. I hate it. I will not be my mother, I will not solve my problems by fucking up my body and mind. I may not respect much, but I respect myself. I have a future, and alcohol is not a part of it.

That stupid girl. Let it DIE!!! I did, I didn't bring it up not once after we agreed to drop it. I cared, yes, and I still feel the way I did before you wrote that stupid letter calling me out.

I hold my tongue in class, avoid what nasty comments I can. Snide remarks leave my mouth, but I coat them with sugar so you don't comprehend what I'm saying. "I don't appreciate you calling my sister a bitch" Well if she didn't act like one I wouldn't call her one. If you



tbc

Tearing Apart

I'm emo today
Bloodshot eyes and broken hearts
Splitting at the seams

This is the only place where I can truly spill my guts without fear...
Today was a BAD day...two HUGE fights. I hardly remember what this mornings was about, me not wanting to have sex I guess. But he came back for me...saw the hurt in my eyes. I faked a horrible headache...screaming and crying and breathing insanely. Wanted to take me to the hospital. No...

He slept until ten. I photoshopped, talked online...me things. Finally woke him up...thought the father was returning. Wrong. Finally gave him, gave myself to him. Didn't want to. Felt guilty.

Barbra showed up outta the blue, scared the dickens out of us. Scrambling to put on clothes. Fearing for the worst. Just a black lady, brought me candy and such. Very sweet.

Went to lunch [[he paid for once]]
Went to Wal-Mart where he upset me very much. Had the nerve to tell me it was time to grow up. Fuck him. I'm only 15 years old Mr. Almost 20. I have time to be immature and not appreciate things. I grew up faster than any child should have, so please, allow me to bask in semi-immaturity while I still have that option.

Came home, wasn't going to tell him what he said to upset me. Didn't want to start another fight. Did anyway. Told him he forced me into sex...he left. I tried to stop him, fought him to stay, blocked his way out, clung to him with all my strength.

TO BE CONTINUED

Somedays

It's just like, fuck this. Today was one of those. I'm just tired of people. I want some time by myself. No friends, no Kidder, no dad, no Flooble. Just Natalie. Time to chill and rest and be happy. To take crappy pictures and cry, to be sad without judgement. To laugh and jump and dance without people staring at me.

I want to be seen as mature, but I want to be a kid, if only for a little while. For some reason there is no balence...no happy middle.

I'm sick of caring, but I can't stop. I don't want to be upset when he makes a bad grade or is out of gas. I can't keep saving him, giving him money. He's a big boy, he needs to care for himself. I can't stop caring...is this love? Is this infatuation? It isn't lust, that's for sure...it's...something. You anger me of much, so often...and yet I can't stay mad. You do stupid things that could get you hurt...why? Your so smart, so lazy. Don't end up like them, get out while you still can. Don't stay for me...I'll be out soon. Don't stay for them....they will too. Grow up, get out, save yourself.

I really hate Mr. Wilibur. He's a P.E. teacher for crying out loud. Where does he get off calling up chubby and immature? What Willie? Couldn't face growing up and getting out? Did you love school SO much you just wanted to stay there for the rest of your life? Or are you just so pathetic you couldn't handle a real job? Me grow up? No, I'm only 15...I have a little while longer to enjoy being a kid, laughing and lieing in the grass...how 'bout you grow up and get the heck outta dodge. Wait...it's too late for you isn't it? Oh...how sad.

The impossible has occured. I got mad at her. She just...got on my nerves. I'm sick of her always seeming happy, always trying to stay perky, for being so two faced. For harboring everything then letting it get to her. For never saying [[to anyone other than a select few]] "Shut up, go away, NO." For never speaking her mind to her sister, mother, father. For holding it in and spilling it everywhere later. For putting up with the things they do, for keeping mum and never doing wrong. Stop it. Tell her how you feel, forget the consequences and just do it. Let them know that you are a human, not only that, but a teenager nonetheless. Let them know you can do wrong, get angry, tell them how you feel...stop trying to make up for her mistakes. Make your own. BE A HUMAN BEING. Little Miss [[no so]] Perfect.

As for you, stop bring me down, calling me fat when your bigger than I am. Where do you get off? Yes, I'm a fat kid, I know. I don't need my "best friend" to remind me alright? So just STFU.

Nothing Fights

Nothing Fights
Are not as funny as Dane Cook makes them out to be. This is what I've realized: Kidder and I argue often...and it's always about nothing!! But we NEVER stay mad for more than 10 minutes...
Example: Today we were driving home from Wal-Mart and he kept on texting while driving...now this pisses me off even when I'm not with him, let alone when I am...I don't give a damn how good you are at it, don't do it with me. That's all I ask. We get home, I kick the jeep and he starts backing out. I run to the window and convince him to come inside.
Inside: I got him to listen to what I think is a very pretty song, and I wanted him to say it made him think of me...it didn't. It's not that it didn't make him think of me, it's that he didn't understand it at all.
We got on the subject of him writing a poem about Brandi, it didn't upset me but it made me wonder, why didn't or why hasn't he written anything about me? [[except the one blog a while back]] He says it's because he's not sad anymore, and because I wasn't hard to get. That happy poems are bad. I don't want a poem or a song, I just want something tangible so I can look and touch it whenever I want. Even at 3:30 in the morning when I can't sleep. Just something that says I love you. I know he does, I don't question that. But is it too much to ask for just a few words? I don't understand.
Another thing: Why is it always about sex? Or something sexual? I don't think we've gone a single day without him trying to do something sexual to me. It was alright at first, now it's just like back off. I'm NOT lying when I say I don't want it. It's alright occasionally but honestly, not every single fucking day. I don't think our entire relationship is about sex, but a large portion is. A larger portion than I would like. I just wish he would understand.
I love you, I do. But sometimes I just wish you would just see things the way I do. Oh and asking that girl for a naked picture, regardless of whether or not you've been asking for years, I didn't like that. I didn't really care, but why did you rub that in me face Alexx? You don't do that to your girlfriend okay? Fucking Christ.
I hate this, questioning all this, wondering...stay with me? For as long as you'll have me, I'm yours.

No title [[le sigh]]

Shelby's 15 now, I'm all alone in my age 14 world. Too bad, so sad, boohoo. It's only for a little while. Laura and I, so cool, two bands are going to sing us happy birthday during a show, because we have "teh hook-up" you know.

Got to her house, hung streamers, knocked down a plant. They arrived. Angry mommies, bad Brittany. So much fun. Secrets, giggling, cake and pizza, fake-overs and late nights, babies and crying. A birthday to remember.

They know about him and I, I've never been lectured by my girls...what a horrible time. They'll never understand, so why bother explaining. They're right and I know it. That doesn't mean I have to except it. They make me feel like a peice of nothing slut. I've made mistakes, so what if I don't regret them. They still don't understand. I can't explain it to myself, let alone to them.

They made me tell her, not about him but about him. I hope this doesn't change how she feels about me, how she looks at me. It would kill me. I love and respect her so much, and I never want her to look at me like they do.

I don't know why I did it, honestly I don't. Wasn't love, maybe lust. Maybe I just shouldn't have. But I did. and I can't change that now. They don't know what was going through my head, I don't even know what was going through my head.

"I want my first time to be romantic, completely naked, and with someone I love and have known for a long time" ha, good luck with that hunny.
"If it's awkward to be naked in front of him, it means you don't know him well enough, you don't trust him" Don't tell me what I do and do not know. Your my best friend, but you know nothing about how I think or why I do the things I do. "If I do this he'll love me, he thinks I'm pretty, he loves me" He does. They didn't and I know that. I didn't care. "You SHOULD care" I don't, I didn't, get over it. Live and let go. I did, why can't you?

I love them, they love me. Right? They're more my sisters than my actual sisters. She lost respect for him, like all the others. It's not his fault, he didn't force me to do anything. We should have waited, we didn't. Let go. I have no intentions of doing it anytime soon. I learned my lesson girls, are you happy now? Am I worth it yet?

"You drop your pants way too easily, you give into peer pressure way too easily" Maybe I do, maybe I won't anymore. Or maybe I just won't tell you.

He's upset, he didn't want anyone to know because they'd think less of him, of me, of us. Or are you ashamed? I don't want to think that, but I can't stop. I don't want to think your just using me, because I know you not. Right? I love you, you love me. You say you do and I believe you. I do believe, I do believe. Oh God please let it be true. It has to be. I can't lose another.

"I wish I had succeeded the first time I tried"
"I'm glad I didn't die, Shelby. I'm so glad I didn't die."
"I don't ever want to be that ugly little girl again, I don't want to hate myself, honest. I don't mean the things I say"

What if he came home, to find all he has left, lying in blood across the bathroom floor?"
"How do you think he'd feel at your funeral, watching all those people cry, having to hold back his own tears, because the only thing he has left is gone?"

I'm going to cry. I'm so glad I didn't die, I'm so, so glad. "No one would care, I'm not anything"
Lies. Someone would care, they would care, he would care. My dad would care. I'm never going back to that. I'm never doing that again. Here and now I promise myself, I will NEVER cut myself again. I will never attempt suicide again. I'm better than that now.

They still don't understand, I doubt they ever will. And it's something I'll have to live with.

I am born again.

Am I kidding Kidder?

The guy I'm currently dating is near perfect, everything I've ever wanted. Just a little too sexual...yes I know...me saying someone is too sexual. Whatever. He's sweet, funny, kind, caring, warm, kinda cute, okay kisser, into music...

So things are moving really fast...and I feel okay about it. I'm just thinking a lot...what if perfect isn't what I want? I've already given him head twice [[I'm no good at it]] we kiss and cuddle constantly...but he's just so touchy feely. Plus he's 18...so I can't tell my dad [[who thinks he's 16]] so we have to sneak around, and I know this sounds weird...but I don't like lying to my dad so much. I mean after "The Dillards Incident" I just want his trust back...and I seriously doubt dating an 18 year old is going to help.

But I really, really like Kidder. I love him actually. But he's starting to make me nervous, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...and I [[being me]] know that's not gonna happen...unless a mirical occurs. I mean he's a senior this year, he'll be going off to college soon, and I'm in high school...everyone knows the kinda stuff that happens there. Then I'll being going off to college. Where you meet tons of new people, and I just don't feel like I'm ready for such a commited relationship. But with Kidder I think I can. It's just my dad really...and the fact that it's ILLEGAL. That R E A L L Y bothers me. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

He makes me happy, honest he does. And everything just seems perfect. But it's like a book I read once...[[I can't think of the name]] but the girl has the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, great friends...but she doesn't want perfect anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him, and I want to be with him for a really long time...I just...I don't even know. I love him...tomorrow I'm telling him we need to slow down though. I will keep things under control. I won't let him become just another name on The Legacy.

I would have type this on myspace...but this is more personal...people I know won't read this here. Plus this site is killer, it saves what I'm typing so I don't lose it!!! I can't tell you how much crap I've lost cause of myspazzes stupid technical errors. Well I think that's all I have to say...I'm tired.

Things are...

falling apart I fear...and i don't want to blame myself but I can't help it...I want to blame them...I think I've done nothing wrong...but majority rules and they outnumber me. I try to balence my time between them...and I feel I do it well...but they say I am wrong...blowing them off when I wasn't even invited. Screw that. He makes me happy...happier than I've been before and I will NOT ruin that right now. We have a meer 3 weeks (maybe summer too) together...and I have my whole life with them. t's not fair that they gang up on me...I've tried talking to them...apologizing...tryong to organize things for us to do...but nothing works. I know you NEVER ditch your girls for a boy but what happens if they ditch you for each other? I choose to just ignore the problem and go about things as normal as possible...but they won't let up. So Eff you guys...if he makes me happy that should be enough for you. As you as for him being your ex (of two damn days) you can just GET OVER IT. Because he's mine now. He makes me happy just to see him...I annoy you? Eff you...have you ever once stopped thinking about yourselves to think about the sake of US. I walk with him to classes...3 minutes a day...and yet I'm ditching ya'll??? When that one got sooo mad at be for planning to blow off you both WHEN I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO GO?! How dare you! I wasn't GOING TO LEAVE YOU. I was going to meet up the next day...so I could go on one of the FEW dates me and HIM get to even go on...and yet I'm doing something wrong??! I can't even SPEAK to you anymore without saying something wrong...if I'm happy it's annoying...if I'm upset I'm being overdramatic. You say you won't invite me because I'll either be talking to him or about him...how can you assume something like that? We don't even talk over the phone much and I know it ANNOYS you BOTH when I talk about him...SO I NEVER/HARDLY EVER DO IT!!! So leave me...I'll have fun WITH him and WITHOUT YOU. because apprently that's what you BOTH want....so screw it. I'm happy...FOR ONCE. Deal with it.

My Girls.

Catherine: The one to talk to. The one to trust. The one who cares what others think. This girl is awesome. She's great to talk to and hang out with. She's kinda preppy but that makes her Catherine. She's the one that tells you to shut up cause she's embarrased. She's the one that plans months ahead and hides everything. She has her annoying moments and at times you just want to slap her, but she's ours and we love her.

Shelby: The one to laugh with. The one to dance in the rain with. The one that's so hormonal it's insane. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve. She'll start crap with anyone who messes with us. She's the one that'll listen to you bitch and then make you laugh about the most ridiculous things. She insults you and slaps super hard but her good generally outweighs her bad so we love her too.

Natalie: The outrageous one. The one who gets the guy she doesn't deserve and doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. The one that will let you cry on her shoulder about anything and give advice because she's been through it all. The one that tells it straight up and doesn't sugarcoat. The "experienced" one. The bubbly one that gets along with almost everybody. She can be obnoxious and secretive but she's always there for her girls so we love her too.

Shelby, Natalie, and Catherine. We are the girls. We are like a walking book, we have so many inside jokes and stories that it's hard to keep track of it all. People think we're triplets cause we're always together. We've all been through our crap but we always know where to turn. We're loud, we're crazy, we're spontanious, we're cool in our own minds. We may seem alike but we are all toally different. We have our own stories to tell. We are The Girls.

Drey: The Story

Drey Michael Cantrelle. I guess I should start at the beginning. I remember the day I met him...back when he was dating Khaki. We were standing in the lunch line and he spun around and asked if I listened to MCR. I said a little bit and he asked about The Used...I told him I love the Used like wow! We hung out at recess and everyone told me how we were just alike...he was like a male me. It was awesome (at the time) Later on in that month we hooked up for a few days. We weren't sure if we were dating so we stopped hanging out...that afternoon we made it official...he asked me himself. We dated for a few days then just stopped hanging out. Later on in the year feelings progressed. He gave me my first kiss on October 7th at a party he had. It was great...then later that night we were alone outside and we gave me my first french kiss...it was everything a kiss should be...slow, sweet, soft, perfect. We weren't dating though. There was a lotta drama revolving around that boy...he flirted with my best friend then told her he loved me...he was really screwed up. One day our Literature teacher took us to a play. Drey and I say next to each other. The lights went down, that's when we got cozy. He put his hand on my knee and slowly worked his way up. I really liked him so I didn't mind and let him do what he pleased. Meanwhile I was having some fun of my own with him...then we just laced hands and watched the play. On the bus home we sat together...we joked around, he did what he wanted again...then said something about "I love you too much" That started more inner termoil for me...Drey is the kind of boy that wears a shirt that says "I'm the guy your mom warned you about" and can mean it. He's a drama causer...he ruined my relationships with Ray...he fucked with my emotions and my friends, and yet...I still have feelings for him. I dream about him...I don't know what he has that appeals to me...I mean he's a total dick (not to me really) and a horrible serial cheater...but I don't know. I just want a staight answer from him...we made out in the bathroom one Thursday...he didn't know it but that was always a fantasy of mine: making out in the bathroom (not with him persay). Drey is a story what more can I say about him really. I'm sure there'll be more to this story.

Today...

Was weird. Nothing really happened until recess...Dylan really upset me...all he wanted to do was talk to Katie...he's done nothing but shove us all away. He said something really rude and I slapped him in the face, not hard though and walked off. I changed my mind and came back...then he said something really really rude so I back handed him, hard. I walked away, let him be with his precious Katie. I came back to find him with his head in his hands. I apologized and tried to make him smile. I told him what was bothering me and he just doesn't understand, he's understood everything until now.

Shelby and Catherine are keeping secrets from me again. It doesn't really bother me but I know that they are doing it on purpose, teehee-ing in front of me to watch me get upset, but what they don't realize is that I DON'T CARE. So yeah. Shelby is flirting with Drey again. It makes me sick and she thinks I'm jealous. I'm NOT. I just don't want to see him hurt her again. I may be a little jealous but nothing serious. I'm not gonna ruin a friendship over it. I told Shelby she needs to stop hurting me and Catherine. That is isn't funny, it's painful. She says she finds it funny. No wonder no one wants to date her, what boy would want to date a girl that could beat them up? Catherine made me mad today...I was already in a bad mood when she sat against the pole where I wanted to sit and would not move...it just really pissed me off.

Stupid Drey is being himself again...playing with people. I don't care if he "loves" me or whatever. I don't care if he flirts with Shelby. I don't care if he makes out with me in a bathroom. I don't care about what we had or what we could have had. I just wish he could give me a straight answer for once in his life.

Ray pissed me off. (Everyone is today). He called me and kept asking what's wrong, over and over. I told him numerous times to just leave me alone, I'll talk when I'm ready. But no, he pestered and pestered and just wouldn't stop. And now he's pestering me about being in love with someone else. He never knows when to quit and just let me have alone time. I had to turn my phones ringer off.

I'm just...tired with everyone around me...plain and simple. Everyone.