I hate alcohol...I hate being drunk. I hate not knowing what's going on. I hate the way it tastes and I hate the way it makes me act.
I am straightedge from here on out. 100% No drugs, no cigarettes, no ALCOHOL. Not that I did any of that before anyway.
The Story: My first time being drunk. Last night. Jenn's reception. 10-23-07. Age 15. Young? You bet...but older than most. Started off slow...one beer...a swig of Jack and coke here and there. [[nasty]] Until I decided I wanted to get trashed...just once, see what it was really like. It felt just like it sounds, trashy. I gulped down wine after wine, ate crackers to fill my stomache. I think the reason I got so drunk so fast is because my tummy was empty.
"Am I drunk?" I didn't even know, never having drunk before. Stumbling around...dancing with Brandon...couldn't stay up in my seat. Stupid teenage boys. "How can you be drunk without a beer in your hand?" "Have another." "Your not drunk yet." Bull...mean people. At least I knew when to stop and not accept anymore. Plus, beer is nasty.
I walk outside with Brittany, my blanket, my safe person, although she's well on her way to being drunk herself. I hug a pole to keep my balence. Stupid boys follow outside. Jordan Pervis wanted a kiss..."No, I'm dating Kidder" He kisses me anyway [[I think]] He's a BAD kisser...
"Yo he wants to fuck" Who's he? "No I will not have sex with him. I'm dating KIDDER" I don't.
Note: Alcohol did NOT make these boys attractive. To make matters worse there were TWO SETS OF TWINS!!! "Your [[name]] I know that" "No I'm [[other name]]" Dammit...I give up.
I stumble inside..."Who brought me in here?" Laughter..."She's drunk" Yeah, I am. It's apparant to me at this point. Some girl "Will you dance with me?" "Me? Sure, okay" We dance...I'm supposedly staring into space during this...I think I kissed Lori, not a tongue-swapping thing...just a peck. "Someone call my daddy" Not until she's sober. I call...I'm ready to leave that place...those drinks. Carlos calls out "Bye, cutie"...Shadow haha
I get home...stumble to my room. Fall. Knock over my mirror. Finally undress and fall on my bed. Hurl...get it up Natale. Brutus rids me of most of it. Wakes me up at 5. I feel better, not good, but better. I text Kidder...he calls. I tell my story. He says I'm still a little toasted...the room starts spinning. I go back to sleep. Wake up at 8. Oh my, I have to meet the family today. I can't be hung-over for that...All is well. I just feel a little ill.
My body betrays me...I stumble and tilt and my knees are weak. My mind is blurry. I think "I'm sober, I'm fine" I'm neither. I am impaired mentally and physically. Alcohol is a horrible invention. I hate it. I will not be my mother, I will not solve my problems by fucking up my body and mind. I may not respect much, but I respect myself. I have a future, and alcohol is not a part of it.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
That stupid girl. Let it DIE!!! I did, I didn't bring it up not once after we agreed to drop it. I cared, yes, and I still feel the way I did before you wrote that stupid letter calling me out.
I hold my tongue in class, avoid what nasty comments I can. Snide remarks leave my mouth, but I coat them with sugar so you don't comprehend what I'm saying. "I don't appreciate you calling my sister a bitch" Well if she didn't act like one I wouldn't call her one. If you
tbc
I hold my tongue in class, avoid what nasty comments I can. Snide remarks leave my mouth, but I coat them with sugar so you don't comprehend what I'm saying. "I don't appreciate you calling my sister a bitch" Well if she didn't act like one I wouldn't call her one. If you
tbc
Monday, November 12, 2007
Tearing Apart
I'm emo today
Bloodshot eyes and broken hearts
Splitting at the seams
This is the only place where I can truly spill my guts without fear...
Today was a BAD day...two HUGE fights. I hardly remember what this mornings was about, me not wanting to have sex I guess. But he came back for me...saw the hurt in my eyes. I faked a horrible headache...screaming and crying and breathing insanely. Wanted to take me to the hospital. No...
He slept until ten. I photoshopped, talked online...me things. Finally woke him up...thought the father was returning. Wrong. Finally gave him, gave myself to him. Didn't want to. Felt guilty.
Barbra showed up outta the blue, scared the dickens out of us. Scrambling to put on clothes. Fearing for the worst. Just a black lady, brought me candy and such. Very sweet.
Went to lunch [[he paid for once]]
Went to Wal-Mart where he upset me very much. Had the nerve to tell me it was time to grow up. Fuck him. I'm only 15 years old Mr. Almost 20. I have time to be immature and not appreciate things. I grew up faster than any child should have, so please, allow me to bask in semi-immaturity while I still have that option.
Came home, wasn't going to tell him what he said to upset me. Didn't want to start another fight. Did anyway. Told him he forced me into sex...he left. I tried to stop him, fought him to stay, blocked his way out, clung to him with all my strength.
TO BE CONTINUED
Bloodshot eyes and broken hearts
Splitting at the seams
This is the only place where I can truly spill my guts without fear...
Today was a BAD day...two HUGE fights. I hardly remember what this mornings was about, me not wanting to have sex I guess. But he came back for me...saw the hurt in my eyes. I faked a horrible headache...screaming and crying and breathing insanely. Wanted to take me to the hospital. No...
He slept until ten. I photoshopped, talked online...me things. Finally woke him up...thought the father was returning. Wrong. Finally gave him, gave myself to him. Didn't want to. Felt guilty.
Barbra showed up outta the blue, scared the dickens out of us. Scrambling to put on clothes. Fearing for the worst. Just a black lady, brought me candy and such. Very sweet.
Went to lunch [[he paid for once]]
Went to Wal-Mart where he upset me very much. Had the nerve to tell me it was time to grow up. Fuck him. I'm only 15 years old Mr. Almost 20. I have time to be immature and not appreciate things. I grew up faster than any child should have, so please, allow me to bask in semi-immaturity while I still have that option.
Came home, wasn't going to tell him what he said to upset me. Didn't want to start another fight. Did anyway. Told him he forced me into sex...he left. I tried to stop him, fought him to stay, blocked his way out, clung to him with all my strength.
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Somedays
It's just like, fuck this. Today was one of those. I'm just tired of people. I want some time by myself. No friends, no Kidder, no dad, no Flooble. Just Natalie. Time to chill and rest and be happy. To take crappy pictures and cry, to be sad without judgement. To laugh and jump and dance without people staring at me.
I want to be seen as mature, but I want to be a kid, if only for a little while. For some reason there is no balence...no happy middle.
I'm sick of caring, but I can't stop. I don't want to be upset when he makes a bad grade or is out of gas. I can't keep saving him, giving him money. He's a big boy, he needs to care for himself. I can't stop caring...is this love? Is this infatuation? It isn't lust, that's for sure...it's...something. You anger me of much, so often...and yet I can't stay mad. You do stupid things that could get you hurt...why? Your so smart, so lazy. Don't end up like them, get out while you still can. Don't stay for me...I'll be out soon. Don't stay for them....they will too. Grow up, get out, save yourself.
I really hate Mr. Wilibur. He's a P.E. teacher for crying out loud. Where does he get off calling up chubby and immature? What Willie? Couldn't face growing up and getting out? Did you love school SO much you just wanted to stay there for the rest of your life? Or are you just so pathetic you couldn't handle a real job? Me grow up? No, I'm only 15...I have a little while longer to enjoy being a kid, laughing and lieing in the grass...how 'bout you grow up and get the heck outta dodge. Wait...it's too late for you isn't it? Oh...how sad.
The impossible has occured. I got mad at her. She just...got on my nerves. I'm sick of her always seeming happy, always trying to stay perky, for being so two faced. For harboring everything then letting it get to her. For never saying [[to anyone other than a select few]] "Shut up, go away, NO." For never speaking her mind to her sister, mother, father. For holding it in and spilling it everywhere later. For putting up with the things they do, for keeping mum and never doing wrong. Stop it. Tell her how you feel, forget the consequences and just do it. Let them know that you are a human, not only that, but a teenager nonetheless. Let them know you can do wrong, get angry, tell them how you feel...stop trying to make up for her mistakes. Make your own. BE A HUMAN BEING. Little Miss [[no so]] Perfect.
As for you, stop bring me down, calling me fat when your bigger than I am. Where do you get off? Yes, I'm a fat kid, I know. I don't need my "best friend" to remind me alright? So just STFU.
I want to be seen as mature, but I want to be a kid, if only for a little while. For some reason there is no balence...no happy middle.
I'm sick of caring, but I can't stop. I don't want to be upset when he makes a bad grade or is out of gas. I can't keep saving him, giving him money. He's a big boy, he needs to care for himself. I can't stop caring...is this love? Is this infatuation? It isn't lust, that's for sure...it's...something. You anger me of much, so often...and yet I can't stay mad. You do stupid things that could get you hurt...why? Your so smart, so lazy. Don't end up like them, get out while you still can. Don't stay for me...I'll be out soon. Don't stay for them....they will too. Grow up, get out, save yourself.
I really hate Mr. Wilibur. He's a P.E. teacher for crying out loud. Where does he get off calling up chubby and immature? What Willie? Couldn't face growing up and getting out? Did you love school SO much you just wanted to stay there for the rest of your life? Or are you just so pathetic you couldn't handle a real job? Me grow up? No, I'm only 15...I have a little while longer to enjoy being a kid, laughing and lieing in the grass...how 'bout you grow up and get the heck outta dodge. Wait...it's too late for you isn't it? Oh...how sad.
The impossible has occured. I got mad at her. She just...got on my nerves. I'm sick of her always seeming happy, always trying to stay perky, for being so two faced. For harboring everything then letting it get to her. For never saying [[to anyone other than a select few]] "Shut up, go away, NO." For never speaking her mind to her sister, mother, father. For holding it in and spilling it everywhere later. For putting up with the things they do, for keeping mum and never doing wrong. Stop it. Tell her how you feel, forget the consequences and just do it. Let them know that you are a human, not only that, but a teenager nonetheless. Let them know you can do wrong, get angry, tell them how you feel...stop trying to make up for her mistakes. Make your own. BE A HUMAN BEING. Little Miss [[no so]] Perfect.
As for you, stop bring me down, calling me fat when your bigger than I am. Where do you get off? Yes, I'm a fat kid, I know. I don't need my "best friend" to remind me alright? So just STFU.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Nothing Fights
Nothing Fights
Are not as funny as Dane Cook makes them out to be. This is what I've realized: Kidder and I argue often...and it's always about nothing!! But we NEVER stay mad for more than 10 minutes...
Example: Today we were driving home from Wal-Mart and he kept on texting while driving...now this pisses me off even when I'm not with him, let alone when I am...I don't give a damn how good you are at it, don't do it with me. That's all I ask. We get home, I kick the jeep and he starts backing out. I run to the window and convince him to come inside.
Inside: I got him to listen to what I think is a very pretty song, and I wanted him to say it made him think of me...it didn't. It's not that it didn't make him think of me, it's that he didn't understand it at all.
We got on the subject of him writing a poem about Brandi, it didn't upset me but it made me wonder, why didn't or why hasn't he written anything about me? [[except the one blog a while back]] He says it's because he's not sad anymore, and because I wasn't hard to get. That happy poems are bad. I don't want a poem or a song, I just want something tangible so I can look and touch it whenever I want. Even at 3:30 in the morning when I can't sleep. Just something that says I love you. I know he does, I don't question that. But is it too much to ask for just a few words? I don't understand.
Another thing: Why is it always about sex? Or something sexual? I don't think we've gone a single day without him trying to do something sexual to me. It was alright at first, now it's just like back off. I'm NOT lying when I say I don't want it. It's alright occasionally but honestly, not every single fucking day. I don't think our entire relationship is about sex, but a large portion is. A larger portion than I would like. I just wish he would understand.
I love you, I do. But sometimes I just wish you would just see things the way I do. Oh and asking that girl for a naked picture, regardless of whether or not you've been asking for years, I didn't like that. I didn't really care, but why did you rub that in me face Alexx? You don't do that to your girlfriend okay? Fucking Christ.
I hate this, questioning all this, wondering...stay with me? For as long as you'll have me, I'm yours.
Are not as funny as Dane Cook makes them out to be. This is what I've realized: Kidder and I argue often...and it's always about nothing!! But we NEVER stay mad for more than 10 minutes...
Example: Today we were driving home from Wal-Mart and he kept on texting while driving...now this pisses me off even when I'm not with him, let alone when I am...I don't give a damn how good you are at it, don't do it with me. That's all I ask. We get home, I kick the jeep and he starts backing out. I run to the window and convince him to come inside.
Inside: I got him to listen to what I think is a very pretty song, and I wanted him to say it made him think of me...it didn't. It's not that it didn't make him think of me, it's that he didn't understand it at all.
We got on the subject of him writing a poem about Brandi, it didn't upset me but it made me wonder, why didn't or why hasn't he written anything about me? [[except the one blog a while back]] He says it's because he's not sad anymore, and because I wasn't hard to get. That happy poems are bad. I don't want a poem or a song, I just want something tangible so I can look and touch it whenever I want. Even at 3:30 in the morning when I can't sleep. Just something that says I love you. I know he does, I don't question that. But is it too much to ask for just a few words? I don't understand.
Another thing: Why is it always about sex? Or something sexual? I don't think we've gone a single day without him trying to do something sexual to me. It was alright at first, now it's just like back off. I'm NOT lying when I say I don't want it. It's alright occasionally but honestly, not every single fucking day. I don't think our entire relationship is about sex, but a large portion is. A larger portion than I would like. I just wish he would understand.
I love you, I do. But sometimes I just wish you would just see things the way I do. Oh and asking that girl for a naked picture, regardless of whether or not you've been asking for years, I didn't like that. I didn't really care, but why did you rub that in me face Alexx? You don't do that to your girlfriend okay? Fucking Christ.
I hate this, questioning all this, wondering...stay with me? For as long as you'll have me, I'm yours.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
No title [[le sigh]]
Shelby's 15 now, I'm all alone in my age 14 world. Too bad, so sad, boohoo. It's only for a little while. Laura and I, so cool, two bands are going to sing us happy birthday during a show, because we have "teh hook-up" you know.
Got to her house, hung streamers, knocked down a plant. They arrived. Angry mommies, bad Brittany. So much fun. Secrets, giggling, cake and pizza, fake-overs and late nights, babies and crying. A birthday to remember.
They know about him and I, I've never been lectured by my girls...what a horrible time. They'll never understand, so why bother explaining. They're right and I know it. That doesn't mean I have to except it. They make me feel like a peice of nothing slut. I've made mistakes, so what if I don't regret them. They still don't understand. I can't explain it to myself, let alone to them.
They made me tell her, not about him but about him. I hope this doesn't change how she feels about me, how she looks at me. It would kill me. I love and respect her so much, and I never want her to look at me like they do.
I don't know why I did it, honestly I don't. Wasn't love, maybe lust. Maybe I just shouldn't have. But I did. and I can't change that now. They don't know what was going through my head, I don't even know what was going through my head.
"I want my first time to be romantic, completely naked, and with someone I love and have known for a long time" ha, good luck with that hunny.
"If it's awkward to be naked in front of him, it means you don't know him well enough, you don't trust him" Don't tell me what I do and do not know. Your my best friend, but you know nothing about how I think or why I do the things I do. "If I do this he'll love me, he thinks I'm pretty, he loves me" He does. They didn't and I know that. I didn't care. "You SHOULD care" I don't, I didn't, get over it. Live and let go. I did, why can't you?
I love them, they love me. Right? They're more my sisters than my actual sisters. She lost respect for him, like all the others. It's not his fault, he didn't force me to do anything. We should have waited, we didn't. Let go. I have no intentions of doing it anytime soon. I learned my lesson girls, are you happy now? Am I worth it yet?
"You drop your pants way too easily, you give into peer pressure way too easily" Maybe I do, maybe I won't anymore. Or maybe I just won't tell you.
He's upset, he didn't want anyone to know because they'd think less of him, of me, of us. Or are you ashamed? I don't want to think that, but I can't stop. I don't want to think your just using me, because I know you not. Right? I love you, you love me. You say you do and I believe you. I do believe, I do believe. Oh God please let it be true. It has to be. I can't lose another.
"I wish I had succeeded the first time I tried"
"I'm glad I didn't die, Shelby. I'm so glad I didn't die."
"I don't ever want to be that ugly little girl again, I don't want to hate myself, honest. I don't mean the things I say"
What if he came home, to find all he has left, lying in blood across the bathroom floor?"
"How do you think he'd feel at your funeral, watching all those people cry, having to hold back his own tears, because the only thing he has left is gone?"
I'm going to cry. I'm so glad I didn't die, I'm so, so glad. "No one would care, I'm not anything"
Lies. Someone would care, they would care, he would care. My dad would care. I'm never going back to that. I'm never doing that again. Here and now I promise myself, I will NEVER cut myself again. I will never attempt suicide again. I'm better than that now.
They still don't understand, I doubt they ever will. And it's something I'll have to live with.
I am born again.
Got to her house, hung streamers, knocked down a plant. They arrived. Angry mommies, bad Brittany. So much fun. Secrets, giggling, cake and pizza, fake-overs and late nights, babies and crying. A birthday to remember.
They know about him and I, I've never been lectured by my girls...what a horrible time. They'll never understand, so why bother explaining. They're right and I know it. That doesn't mean I have to except it. They make me feel like a peice of nothing slut. I've made mistakes, so what if I don't regret them. They still don't understand. I can't explain it to myself, let alone to them.
They made me tell her, not about him but about him. I hope this doesn't change how she feels about me, how she looks at me. It would kill me. I love and respect her so much, and I never want her to look at me like they do.
I don't know why I did it, honestly I don't. Wasn't love, maybe lust. Maybe I just shouldn't have. But I did. and I can't change that now. They don't know what was going through my head, I don't even know what was going through my head.
"I want my first time to be romantic, completely naked, and with someone I love and have known for a long time" ha, good luck with that hunny.
"If it's awkward to be naked in front of him, it means you don't know him well enough, you don't trust him" Don't tell me what I do and do not know. Your my best friend, but you know nothing about how I think or why I do the things I do. "If I do this he'll love me, he thinks I'm pretty, he loves me" He does. They didn't and I know that. I didn't care. "You SHOULD care" I don't, I didn't, get over it. Live and let go. I did, why can't you?
I love them, they love me. Right? They're more my sisters than my actual sisters. She lost respect for him, like all the others. It's not his fault, he didn't force me to do anything. We should have waited, we didn't. Let go. I have no intentions of doing it anytime soon. I learned my lesson girls, are you happy now? Am I worth it yet?
"You drop your pants way too easily, you give into peer pressure way too easily" Maybe I do, maybe I won't anymore. Or maybe I just won't tell you.
He's upset, he didn't want anyone to know because they'd think less of him, of me, of us. Or are you ashamed? I don't want to think that, but I can't stop. I don't want to think your just using me, because I know you not. Right? I love you, you love me. You say you do and I believe you. I do believe, I do believe. Oh God please let it be true. It has to be. I can't lose another.
"I wish I had succeeded the first time I tried"
"I'm glad I didn't die, Shelby. I'm so glad I didn't die."
"I don't ever want to be that ugly little girl again, I don't want to hate myself, honest. I don't mean the things I say"
What if he came home, to find all he has left, lying in blood across the bathroom floor?"
"How do you think he'd feel at your funeral, watching all those people cry, having to hold back his own tears, because the only thing he has left is gone?"
I'm going to cry. I'm so glad I didn't die, I'm so, so glad. "No one would care, I'm not anything"
Lies. Someone would care, they would care, he would care. My dad would care. I'm never going back to that. I'm never doing that again. Here and now I promise myself, I will NEVER cut myself again. I will never attempt suicide again. I'm better than that now.
They still don't understand, I doubt they ever will. And it's something I'll have to live with.
I am born again.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Am I kidding Kidder?
The guy I'm currently dating is near perfect, everything I've ever wanted. Just a little too sexual...yes I know...me saying someone is too sexual. Whatever. He's sweet, funny, kind, caring, warm, kinda cute, okay kisser, into music...
So things are moving really fast...and I feel okay about it. I'm just thinking a lot...what if perfect isn't what I want? I've already given him head twice [[I'm no good at it]] we kiss and cuddle constantly...but he's just so touchy feely. Plus he's 18...so I can't tell my dad [[who thinks he's 16]] so we have to sneak around, and I know this sounds weird...but I don't like lying to my dad so much. I mean after "The Dillards Incident" I just want his trust back...and I seriously doubt dating an 18 year old is going to help.
But I really, really like Kidder. I love him actually. But he's starting to make me nervous, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...and I [[being me]] know that's not gonna happen...unless a mirical occurs. I mean he's a senior this year, he'll be going off to college soon, and I'm in high school...everyone knows the kinda stuff that happens there. Then I'll being going off to college. Where you meet tons of new people, and I just don't feel like I'm ready for such a commited relationship. But with Kidder I think I can. It's just my dad really...and the fact that it's ILLEGAL. That R E A L L Y bothers me. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
He makes me happy, honest he does. And everything just seems perfect. But it's like a book I read once...[[I can't think of the name]] but the girl has the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, great friends...but she doesn't want perfect anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him, and I want to be with him for a really long time...I just...I don't even know. I love him...tomorrow I'm telling him we need to slow down though. I will keep things under control. I won't let him become just another name on The Legacy.
I would have type this on myspace...but this is more personal...people I know won't read this here. Plus this site is killer, it saves what I'm typing so I don't lose it!!! I can't tell you how much crap I've lost cause of myspazzes stupid technical errors. Well I think that's all I have to say...I'm tired.
So things are moving really fast...and I feel okay about it. I'm just thinking a lot...what if perfect isn't what I want? I've already given him head twice [[I'm no good at it]] we kiss and cuddle constantly...but he's just so touchy feely. Plus he's 18...so I can't tell my dad [[who thinks he's 16]] so we have to sneak around, and I know this sounds weird...but I don't like lying to my dad so much. I mean after "The Dillards Incident" I just want his trust back...and I seriously doubt dating an 18 year old is going to help.
But I really, really like Kidder. I love him actually. But he's starting to make me nervous, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...and I [[being me]] know that's not gonna happen...unless a mirical occurs. I mean he's a senior this year, he'll be going off to college soon, and I'm in high school...everyone knows the kinda stuff that happens there. Then I'll being going off to college. Where you meet tons of new people, and I just don't feel like I'm ready for such a commited relationship. But with Kidder I think I can. It's just my dad really...and the fact that it's ILLEGAL. That R E A L L Y bothers me. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
He makes me happy, honest he does. And everything just seems perfect. But it's like a book I read once...[[I can't think of the name]] but the girl has the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, great friends...but she doesn't want perfect anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him, and I want to be with him for a really long time...I just...I don't even know. I love him...tomorrow I'm telling him we need to slow down though. I will keep things under control. I won't let him become just another name on The Legacy.
I would have type this on myspace...but this is more personal...people I know won't read this here. Plus this site is killer, it saves what I'm typing so I don't lose it!!! I can't tell you how much crap I've lost cause of myspazzes stupid technical errors. Well I think that's all I have to say...I'm tired.
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