It's just like, fuck this. Today was one of those. I'm just tired of people. I want some time by myself. No friends, no Kidder, no dad, no Flooble. Just Natalie. Time to chill and rest and be happy. To take crappy pictures and cry, to be sad without judgement. To laugh and jump and dance without people staring at me.
I want to be seen as mature, but I want to be a kid, if only for a little while. For some reason there is no balence...no happy middle.
I'm sick of caring, but I can't stop. I don't want to be upset when he makes a bad grade or is out of gas. I can't keep saving him, giving him money. He's a big boy, he needs to care for himself. I can't stop caring...is this love? Is this infatuation? It isn't lust, that's for sure...it's...something. You anger me of much, so often...and yet I can't stay mad. You do stupid things that could get you hurt...why? Your so smart, so lazy. Don't end up like them, get out while you still can. Don't stay for me...I'll be out soon. Don't stay for them....they will too. Grow up, get out, save yourself.
I really hate Mr. Wilibur. He's a P.E. teacher for crying out loud. Where does he get off calling up chubby and immature? What Willie? Couldn't face growing up and getting out? Did you love school SO much you just wanted to stay there for the rest of your life? Or are you just so pathetic you couldn't handle a real job? Me grow up? No, I'm only 15...I have a little while longer to enjoy being a kid, laughing and lieing in the grass...how 'bout you grow up and get the heck outta dodge. Wait...it's too late for you isn't it? Oh...how sad.
The impossible has occured. I got mad at her. She just...got on my nerves. I'm sick of her always seeming happy, always trying to stay perky, for being so two faced. For harboring everything then letting it get to her. For never saying [[to anyone other than a select few]] "Shut up, go away, NO." For never speaking her mind to her sister, mother, father. For holding it in and spilling it everywhere later. For putting up with the things they do, for keeping mum and never doing wrong. Stop it. Tell her how you feel, forget the consequences and just do it. Let them know that you are a human, not only that, but a teenager nonetheless. Let them know you can do wrong, get angry, tell them how you feel...stop trying to make up for her mistakes. Make your own. BE A HUMAN BEING. Little Miss [[no so]] Perfect.
As for you, stop bring me down, calling me fat when your bigger than I am. Where do you get off? Yes, I'm a fat kid, I know. I don't need my "best friend" to remind me alright? So just STFU.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Nothing Fights
Nothing Fights
Are not as funny as Dane Cook makes them out to be. This is what I've realized: Kidder and I argue often...and it's always about nothing!! But we NEVER stay mad for more than 10 minutes...
Example: Today we were driving home from Wal-Mart and he kept on texting while driving...now this pisses me off even when I'm not with him, let alone when I am...I don't give a damn how good you are at it, don't do it with me. That's all I ask. We get home, I kick the jeep and he starts backing out. I run to the window and convince him to come inside.
Inside: I got him to listen to what I think is a very pretty song, and I wanted him to say it made him think of me...it didn't. It's not that it didn't make him think of me, it's that he didn't understand it at all.
We got on the subject of him writing a poem about Brandi, it didn't upset me but it made me wonder, why didn't or why hasn't he written anything about me? [[except the one blog a while back]] He says it's because he's not sad anymore, and because I wasn't hard to get. That happy poems are bad. I don't want a poem or a song, I just want something tangible so I can look and touch it whenever I want. Even at 3:30 in the morning when I can't sleep. Just something that says I love you. I know he does, I don't question that. But is it too much to ask for just a few words? I don't understand.
Another thing: Why is it always about sex? Or something sexual? I don't think we've gone a single day without him trying to do something sexual to me. It was alright at first, now it's just like back off. I'm NOT lying when I say I don't want it. It's alright occasionally but honestly, not every single fucking day. I don't think our entire relationship is about sex, but a large portion is. A larger portion than I would like. I just wish he would understand.
I love you, I do. But sometimes I just wish you would just see things the way I do. Oh and asking that girl for a naked picture, regardless of whether or not you've been asking for years, I didn't like that. I didn't really care, but why did you rub that in me face Alexx? You don't do that to your girlfriend okay? Fucking Christ.
I hate this, questioning all this, wondering...stay with me? For as long as you'll have me, I'm yours.
Are not as funny as Dane Cook makes them out to be. This is what I've realized: Kidder and I argue often...and it's always about nothing!! But we NEVER stay mad for more than 10 minutes...
Example: Today we were driving home from Wal-Mart and he kept on texting while driving...now this pisses me off even when I'm not with him, let alone when I am...I don't give a damn how good you are at it, don't do it with me. That's all I ask. We get home, I kick the jeep and he starts backing out. I run to the window and convince him to come inside.
Inside: I got him to listen to what I think is a very pretty song, and I wanted him to say it made him think of me...it didn't. It's not that it didn't make him think of me, it's that he didn't understand it at all.
We got on the subject of him writing a poem about Brandi, it didn't upset me but it made me wonder, why didn't or why hasn't he written anything about me? [[except the one blog a while back]] He says it's because he's not sad anymore, and because I wasn't hard to get. That happy poems are bad. I don't want a poem or a song, I just want something tangible so I can look and touch it whenever I want. Even at 3:30 in the morning when I can't sleep. Just something that says I love you. I know he does, I don't question that. But is it too much to ask for just a few words? I don't understand.
Another thing: Why is it always about sex? Or something sexual? I don't think we've gone a single day without him trying to do something sexual to me. It was alright at first, now it's just like back off. I'm NOT lying when I say I don't want it. It's alright occasionally but honestly, not every single fucking day. I don't think our entire relationship is about sex, but a large portion is. A larger portion than I would like. I just wish he would understand.
I love you, I do. But sometimes I just wish you would just see things the way I do. Oh and asking that girl for a naked picture, regardless of whether or not you've been asking for years, I didn't like that. I didn't really care, but why did you rub that in me face Alexx? You don't do that to your girlfriend okay? Fucking Christ.
I hate this, questioning all this, wondering...stay with me? For as long as you'll have me, I'm yours.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
No title [[le sigh]]
Shelby's 15 now, I'm all alone in my age 14 world. Too bad, so sad, boohoo. It's only for a little while. Laura and I, so cool, two bands are going to sing us happy birthday during a show, because we have "teh hook-up" you know.
Got to her house, hung streamers, knocked down a plant. They arrived. Angry mommies, bad Brittany. So much fun. Secrets, giggling, cake and pizza, fake-overs and late nights, babies and crying. A birthday to remember.
They know about him and I, I've never been lectured by my girls...what a horrible time. They'll never understand, so why bother explaining. They're right and I know it. That doesn't mean I have to except it. They make me feel like a peice of nothing slut. I've made mistakes, so what if I don't regret them. They still don't understand. I can't explain it to myself, let alone to them.
They made me tell her, not about him but about him. I hope this doesn't change how she feels about me, how she looks at me. It would kill me. I love and respect her so much, and I never want her to look at me like they do.
I don't know why I did it, honestly I don't. Wasn't love, maybe lust. Maybe I just shouldn't have. But I did. and I can't change that now. They don't know what was going through my head, I don't even know what was going through my head.
"I want my first time to be romantic, completely naked, and with someone I love and have known for a long time" ha, good luck with that hunny.
"If it's awkward to be naked in front of him, it means you don't know him well enough, you don't trust him" Don't tell me what I do and do not know. Your my best friend, but you know nothing about how I think or why I do the things I do. "If I do this he'll love me, he thinks I'm pretty, he loves me" He does. They didn't and I know that. I didn't care. "You SHOULD care" I don't, I didn't, get over it. Live and let go. I did, why can't you?
I love them, they love me. Right? They're more my sisters than my actual sisters. She lost respect for him, like all the others. It's not his fault, he didn't force me to do anything. We should have waited, we didn't. Let go. I have no intentions of doing it anytime soon. I learned my lesson girls, are you happy now? Am I worth it yet?
"You drop your pants way too easily, you give into peer pressure way too easily" Maybe I do, maybe I won't anymore. Or maybe I just won't tell you.
He's upset, he didn't want anyone to know because they'd think less of him, of me, of us. Or are you ashamed? I don't want to think that, but I can't stop. I don't want to think your just using me, because I know you not. Right? I love you, you love me. You say you do and I believe you. I do believe, I do believe. Oh God please let it be true. It has to be. I can't lose another.
"I wish I had succeeded the first time I tried"
"I'm glad I didn't die, Shelby. I'm so glad I didn't die."
"I don't ever want to be that ugly little girl again, I don't want to hate myself, honest. I don't mean the things I say"
What if he came home, to find all he has left, lying in blood across the bathroom floor?"
"How do you think he'd feel at your funeral, watching all those people cry, having to hold back his own tears, because the only thing he has left is gone?"
I'm going to cry. I'm so glad I didn't die, I'm so, so glad. "No one would care, I'm not anything"
Lies. Someone would care, they would care, he would care. My dad would care. I'm never going back to that. I'm never doing that again. Here and now I promise myself, I will NEVER cut myself again. I will never attempt suicide again. I'm better than that now.
They still don't understand, I doubt they ever will. And it's something I'll have to live with.
I am born again.
Got to her house, hung streamers, knocked down a plant. They arrived. Angry mommies, bad Brittany. So much fun. Secrets, giggling, cake and pizza, fake-overs and late nights, babies and crying. A birthday to remember.
They know about him and I, I've never been lectured by my girls...what a horrible time. They'll never understand, so why bother explaining. They're right and I know it. That doesn't mean I have to except it. They make me feel like a peice of nothing slut. I've made mistakes, so what if I don't regret them. They still don't understand. I can't explain it to myself, let alone to them.
They made me tell her, not about him but about him. I hope this doesn't change how she feels about me, how she looks at me. It would kill me. I love and respect her so much, and I never want her to look at me like they do.
I don't know why I did it, honestly I don't. Wasn't love, maybe lust. Maybe I just shouldn't have. But I did. and I can't change that now. They don't know what was going through my head, I don't even know what was going through my head.
"I want my first time to be romantic, completely naked, and with someone I love and have known for a long time" ha, good luck with that hunny.
"If it's awkward to be naked in front of him, it means you don't know him well enough, you don't trust him" Don't tell me what I do and do not know. Your my best friend, but you know nothing about how I think or why I do the things I do. "If I do this he'll love me, he thinks I'm pretty, he loves me" He does. They didn't and I know that. I didn't care. "You SHOULD care" I don't, I didn't, get over it. Live and let go. I did, why can't you?
I love them, they love me. Right? They're more my sisters than my actual sisters. She lost respect for him, like all the others. It's not his fault, he didn't force me to do anything. We should have waited, we didn't. Let go. I have no intentions of doing it anytime soon. I learned my lesson girls, are you happy now? Am I worth it yet?
"You drop your pants way too easily, you give into peer pressure way too easily" Maybe I do, maybe I won't anymore. Or maybe I just won't tell you.
He's upset, he didn't want anyone to know because they'd think less of him, of me, of us. Or are you ashamed? I don't want to think that, but I can't stop. I don't want to think your just using me, because I know you not. Right? I love you, you love me. You say you do and I believe you. I do believe, I do believe. Oh God please let it be true. It has to be. I can't lose another.
"I wish I had succeeded the first time I tried"
"I'm glad I didn't die, Shelby. I'm so glad I didn't die."
"I don't ever want to be that ugly little girl again, I don't want to hate myself, honest. I don't mean the things I say"
What if he came home, to find all he has left, lying in blood across the bathroom floor?"
"How do you think he'd feel at your funeral, watching all those people cry, having to hold back his own tears, because the only thing he has left is gone?"
I'm going to cry. I'm so glad I didn't die, I'm so, so glad. "No one would care, I'm not anything"
Lies. Someone would care, they would care, he would care. My dad would care. I'm never going back to that. I'm never doing that again. Here and now I promise myself, I will NEVER cut myself again. I will never attempt suicide again. I'm better than that now.
They still don't understand, I doubt they ever will. And it's something I'll have to live with.
I am born again.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Am I kidding Kidder?
The guy I'm currently dating is near perfect, everything I've ever wanted. Just a little too sexual...yes I know...me saying someone is too sexual. Whatever. He's sweet, funny, kind, caring, warm, kinda cute, okay kisser, into music...
So things are moving really fast...and I feel okay about it. I'm just thinking a lot...what if perfect isn't what I want? I've already given him head twice [[I'm no good at it]] we kiss and cuddle constantly...but he's just so touchy feely. Plus he's 18...so I can't tell my dad [[who thinks he's 16]] so we have to sneak around, and I know this sounds weird...but I don't like lying to my dad so much. I mean after "The Dillards Incident" I just want his trust back...and I seriously doubt dating an 18 year old is going to help.
But I really, really like Kidder. I love him actually. But he's starting to make me nervous, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...and I [[being me]] know that's not gonna happen...unless a mirical occurs. I mean he's a senior this year, he'll be going off to college soon, and I'm in high school...everyone knows the kinda stuff that happens there. Then I'll being going off to college. Where you meet tons of new people, and I just don't feel like I'm ready for such a commited relationship. But with Kidder I think I can. It's just my dad really...and the fact that it's ILLEGAL. That R E A L L Y bothers me. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
He makes me happy, honest he does. And everything just seems perfect. But it's like a book I read once...[[I can't think of the name]] but the girl has the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, great friends...but she doesn't want perfect anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him, and I want to be with him for a really long time...I just...I don't even know. I love him...tomorrow I'm telling him we need to slow down though. I will keep things under control. I won't let him become just another name on The Legacy.
I would have type this on myspace...but this is more personal...people I know won't read this here. Plus this site is killer, it saves what I'm typing so I don't lose it!!! I can't tell you how much crap I've lost cause of myspazzes stupid technical errors. Well I think that's all I have to say...I'm tired.
So things are moving really fast...and I feel okay about it. I'm just thinking a lot...what if perfect isn't what I want? I've already given him head twice [[I'm no good at it]] we kiss and cuddle constantly...but he's just so touchy feely. Plus he's 18...so I can't tell my dad [[who thinks he's 16]] so we have to sneak around, and I know this sounds weird...but I don't like lying to my dad so much. I mean after "The Dillards Incident" I just want his trust back...and I seriously doubt dating an 18 year old is going to help.
But I really, really like Kidder. I love him actually. But he's starting to make me nervous, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...and I [[being me]] know that's not gonna happen...unless a mirical occurs. I mean he's a senior this year, he'll be going off to college soon, and I'm in high school...everyone knows the kinda stuff that happens there. Then I'll being going off to college. Where you meet tons of new people, and I just don't feel like I'm ready for such a commited relationship. But with Kidder I think I can. It's just my dad really...and the fact that it's ILLEGAL. That R E A L L Y bothers me. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
He makes me happy, honest he does. And everything just seems perfect. But it's like a book I read once...[[I can't think of the name]] but the girl has the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, great friends...but she doesn't want perfect anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him, and I want to be with him for a really long time...I just...I don't even know. I love him...tomorrow I'm telling him we need to slow down though. I will keep things under control. I won't let him become just another name on The Legacy.
I would have type this on myspace...but this is more personal...people I know won't read this here. Plus this site is killer, it saves what I'm typing so I don't lose it!!! I can't tell you how much crap I've lost cause of myspazzes stupid technical errors. Well I think that's all I have to say...I'm tired.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Things are...
falling apart I fear...and i don't want to blame myself but I can't help it...I want to blame them...I think I've done nothing wrong...but majority rules and they outnumber me. I try to balence my time between them...and I feel I do it well...but they say I am wrong...blowing them off when I wasn't even invited. Screw that. He makes me happy...happier than I've been before and I will NOT ruin that right now. We have a meer 3 weeks (maybe summer too) together...and I have my whole life with them. t's not fair that they gang up on me...I've tried talking to them...apologizing...tryong to organize things for us to do...but nothing works. I know you NEVER ditch your girls for a boy but what happens if they ditch you for each other? I choose to just ignore the problem and go about things as normal as possible...but they won't let up. So Eff you guys...if he makes me happy that should be enough for you. As you as for him being your ex (of two damn days) you can just GET OVER IT. Because he's mine now. He makes me happy just to see him...I annoy you? Eff you...have you ever once stopped thinking about yourselves to think about the sake of US. I walk with him to classes...3 minutes a day...and yet I'm ditching ya'll??? When that one got sooo mad at be for planning to blow off you both WHEN I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO GO?! How dare you! I wasn't GOING TO LEAVE YOU. I was going to meet up the next day...so I could go on one of the FEW dates me and HIM get to even go on...and yet I'm doing something wrong??! I can't even SPEAK to you anymore without saying something wrong...if I'm happy it's annoying...if I'm upset I'm being overdramatic. You say you won't invite me because I'll either be talking to him or about him...how can you assume something like that? We don't even talk over the phone much and I know it ANNOYS you BOTH when I talk about him...SO I NEVER/HARDLY EVER DO IT!!! So leave me...I'll have fun WITH him and WITHOUT YOU. because apprently that's what you BOTH want....so screw it. I'm happy...FOR ONCE. Deal with it.
Friday, April 6, 2007
My Girls.
Catherine: The one to talk to. The one to trust. The one who cares what others think. This girl is awesome. She's great to talk to and hang out with. She's kinda preppy but that makes her Catherine. She's the one that tells you to shut up cause she's embarrased. She's the one that plans months ahead and hides everything. She has her annoying moments and at times you just want to slap her, but she's ours and we love her.
Shelby: The one to laugh with. The one to dance in the rain with. The one that's so hormonal it's insane. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve. She'll start crap with anyone who messes with us. She's the one that'll listen to you bitch and then make you laugh about the most ridiculous things. She insults you and slaps super hard but her good generally outweighs her bad so we love her too.
Natalie: The outrageous one. The one who gets the guy she doesn't deserve and doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. The one that will let you cry on her shoulder about anything and give advice because she's been through it all. The one that tells it straight up and doesn't sugarcoat. The "experienced" one. The bubbly one that gets along with almost everybody. She can be obnoxious and secretive but she's always there for her girls so we love her too.
Shelby, Natalie, and Catherine. We are the girls. We are like a walking book, we have so many inside jokes and stories that it's hard to keep track of it all. People think we're triplets cause we're always together. We've all been through our crap but we always know where to turn. We're loud, we're crazy, we're spontanious, we're cool in our own minds. We may seem alike but we are all toally different. We have our own stories to tell. We are The Girls.
Shelby: The one to laugh with. The one to dance in the rain with. The one that's so hormonal it's insane. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve. She'll start crap with anyone who messes with us. She's the one that'll listen to you bitch and then make you laugh about the most ridiculous things. She insults you and slaps super hard but her good generally outweighs her bad so we love her too.
Natalie: The outrageous one. The one who gets the guy she doesn't deserve and doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. The one that will let you cry on her shoulder about anything and give advice because she's been through it all. The one that tells it straight up and doesn't sugarcoat. The "experienced" one. The bubbly one that gets along with almost everybody. She can be obnoxious and secretive but she's always there for her girls so we love her too.
Shelby, Natalie, and Catherine. We are the girls. We are like a walking book, we have so many inside jokes and stories that it's hard to keep track of it all. People think we're triplets cause we're always together. We've all been through our crap but we always know where to turn. We're loud, we're crazy, we're spontanious, we're cool in our own minds. We may seem alike but we are all toally different. We have our own stories to tell. We are The Girls.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Drey: The Story
Drey Michael Cantrelle. I guess I should start at the beginning. I remember the day I met him...back when he was dating Khaki. We were standing in the lunch line and he spun around and asked if I listened to MCR. I said a little bit and he asked about The Used...I told him I love the Used like wow! We hung out at recess and everyone told me how we were just alike...he was like a male me. It was awesome (at the time) Later on in that month we hooked up for a few days. We weren't sure if we were dating so we stopped hanging out...that afternoon we made it official...he asked me himself. We dated for a few days then just stopped hanging out. Later on in the year feelings progressed. He gave me my first kiss on October 7th at a party he had. It was great...then later that night we were alone outside and we gave me my first french kiss...it was everything a kiss should be...slow, sweet, soft, perfect. We weren't dating though. There was a lotta drama revolving around that boy...he flirted with my best friend then told her he loved me...he was really screwed up. One day our Literature teacher took us to a play. Drey and I say next to each other. The lights went down, that's when we got cozy. He put his hand on my knee and slowly worked his way up. I really liked him so I didn't mind and let him do what he pleased. Meanwhile I was having some fun of my own with him...then we just laced hands and watched the play. On the bus home we sat together...we joked around, he did what he wanted again...then said something about "I love you too much" That started more inner termoil for me...Drey is the kind of boy that wears a shirt that says "I'm the guy your mom warned you about" and can mean it. He's a drama causer...he ruined my relationships with Ray...he fucked with my emotions and my friends, and yet...I still have feelings for him. I dream about him...I don't know what he has that appeals to me...I mean he's a total dick (not to me really) and a horrible serial cheater...but I don't know. I just want a staight answer from him...we made out in the bathroom one Thursday...he didn't know it but that was always a fantasy of mine: making out in the bathroom (not with him persay). Drey is a story what more can I say about him really. I'm sure there'll be more to this story.
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