Am I kidding Kidder?

The guy I'm currently dating is near perfect, everything I've ever wanted. Just a little too sexual...yes I know...me saying someone is too sexual. Whatever. He's sweet, funny, kind, caring, warm, kinda cute, okay kisser, into music...

So things are moving really fast...and I feel okay about it. I'm just thinking a lot...what if perfect isn't what I want? I've already given him head twice [[I'm no good at it]] we kiss and cuddle constantly...but he's just so touchy feely. Plus he's 18...so I can't tell my dad [[who thinks he's 16]] so we have to sneak around, and I know this sounds weird...but I don't like lying to my dad so much. I mean after "The Dillards Incident" I just want his trust back...and I seriously doubt dating an 18 year old is going to help.

But I really, really like Kidder. I love him actually. But he's starting to make me nervous, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...and I [[being me]] know that's not gonna happen...unless a mirical occurs. I mean he's a senior this year, he'll be going off to college soon, and I'm in high school...everyone knows the kinda stuff that happens there. Then I'll being going off to college. Where you meet tons of new people, and I just don't feel like I'm ready for such a commited relationship. But with Kidder I think I can. It's just my dad really...and the fact that it's ILLEGAL. That R E A L L Y bothers me. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

He makes me happy, honest he does. And everything just seems perfect. But it's like a book I read once...[[I can't think of the name]] but the girl has the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, great friends...but she doesn't want perfect anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him, and I want to be with him for a really long time...I just...I don't even know. I love him...tomorrow I'm telling him we need to slow down though. I will keep things under control. I won't let him become just another name on The Legacy.

I would have type this on myspace...but this is more personal...people I know won't read this here. Plus this site is killer, it saves what I'm typing so I don't lose it!!! I can't tell you how much crap I've lost cause of myspazzes stupid technical errors. Well I think that's all I have to say...I'm tired.

Things are...

falling apart I fear...and i don't want to blame myself but I can't help it...I want to blame them...I think I've done nothing wrong...but majority rules and they outnumber me. I try to balence my time between them...and I feel I do it well...but they say I am wrong...blowing them off when I wasn't even invited. Screw that. He makes me happy...happier than I've been before and I will NOT ruin that right now. We have a meer 3 weeks (maybe summer too) together...and I have my whole life with them. t's not fair that they gang up on me...I've tried talking to them...apologizing...tryong to organize things for us to do...but nothing works. I know you NEVER ditch your girls for a boy but what happens if they ditch you for each other? I choose to just ignore the problem and go about things as normal as possible...but they won't let up. So Eff you guys...if he makes me happy that should be enough for you. As you as for him being your ex (of two damn days) you can just GET OVER IT. Because he's mine now. He makes me happy just to see him...I annoy you? Eff you...have you ever once stopped thinking about yourselves to think about the sake of US. I walk with him to classes...3 minutes a day...and yet I'm ditching ya'll??? When that one got sooo mad at be for planning to blow off you both WHEN I WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO GO?! How dare you! I wasn't GOING TO LEAVE YOU. I was going to meet up the next day...so I could go on one of the FEW dates me and HIM get to even go on...and yet I'm doing something wrong??! I can't even SPEAK to you anymore without saying something wrong...if I'm happy it's annoying...if I'm upset I'm being overdramatic. You say you won't invite me because I'll either be talking to him or about him...how can you assume something like that? We don't even talk over the phone much and I know it ANNOYS you BOTH when I talk about him...SO I NEVER/HARDLY EVER DO IT!!! So leave me...I'll have fun WITH him and WITHOUT YOU. because apprently that's what you BOTH want....so screw it. I'm happy...FOR ONCE. Deal with it.

My Girls.

Catherine: The one to talk to. The one to trust. The one who cares what others think. This girl is awesome. She's great to talk to and hang out with. She's kinda preppy but that makes her Catherine. She's the one that tells you to shut up cause she's embarrased. She's the one that plans months ahead and hides everything. She has her annoying moments and at times you just want to slap her, but she's ours and we love her.

Shelby: The one to laugh with. The one to dance in the rain with. The one that's so hormonal it's insane. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve. She'll start crap with anyone who messes with us. She's the one that'll listen to you bitch and then make you laugh about the most ridiculous things. She insults you and slaps super hard but her good generally outweighs her bad so we love her too.

Natalie: The outrageous one. The one who gets the guy she doesn't deserve and doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. The one that will let you cry on her shoulder about anything and give advice because she's been through it all. The one that tells it straight up and doesn't sugarcoat. The "experienced" one. The bubbly one that gets along with almost everybody. She can be obnoxious and secretive but she's always there for her girls so we love her too.

Shelby, Natalie, and Catherine. We are the girls. We are like a walking book, we have so many inside jokes and stories that it's hard to keep track of it all. People think we're triplets cause we're always together. We've all been through our crap but we always know where to turn. We're loud, we're crazy, we're spontanious, we're cool in our own minds. We may seem alike but we are all toally different. We have our own stories to tell. We are The Girls.

Drey: The Story

Drey Michael Cantrelle. I guess I should start at the beginning. I remember the day I met him...back when he was dating Khaki. We were standing in the lunch line and he spun around and asked if I listened to MCR. I said a little bit and he asked about The Used...I told him I love the Used like wow! We hung out at recess and everyone told me how we were just alike...he was like a male me. It was awesome (at the time) Later on in that month we hooked up for a few days. We weren't sure if we were dating so we stopped hanging out...that afternoon we made it official...he asked me himself. We dated for a few days then just stopped hanging out. Later on in the year feelings progressed. He gave me my first kiss on October 7th at a party he had. It was great...then later that night we were alone outside and we gave me my first french kiss...it was everything a kiss should be...slow, sweet, soft, perfect. We weren't dating though. There was a lotta drama revolving around that boy...he flirted with my best friend then told her he loved me...he was really screwed up. One day our Literature teacher took us to a play. Drey and I say next to each other. The lights went down, that's when we got cozy. He put his hand on my knee and slowly worked his way up. I really liked him so I didn't mind and let him do what he pleased. Meanwhile I was having some fun of my own with him...then we just laced hands and watched the play. On the bus home we sat together...we joked around, he did what he wanted again...then said something about "I love you too much" That started more inner termoil for me...Drey is the kind of boy that wears a shirt that says "I'm the guy your mom warned you about" and can mean it. He's a drama causer...he ruined my relationships with Ray...he fucked with my emotions and my friends, and yet...I still have feelings for him. I dream about him...I don't know what he has that appeals to me...I mean he's a total dick (not to me really) and a horrible serial cheater...but I don't know. I just want a staight answer from him...we made out in the bathroom one Thursday...he didn't know it but that was always a fantasy of mine: making out in the bathroom (not with him persay). Drey is a story what more can I say about him really. I'm sure there'll be more to this story.

Today...

Was weird. Nothing really happened until recess...Dylan really upset me...all he wanted to do was talk to Katie...he's done nothing but shove us all away. He said something really rude and I slapped him in the face, not hard though and walked off. I changed my mind and came back...then he said something really really rude so I back handed him, hard. I walked away, let him be with his precious Katie. I came back to find him with his head in his hands. I apologized and tried to make him smile. I told him what was bothering me and he just doesn't understand, he's understood everything until now.

Shelby and Catherine are keeping secrets from me again. It doesn't really bother me but I know that they are doing it on purpose, teehee-ing in front of me to watch me get upset, but what they don't realize is that I DON'T CARE. So yeah. Shelby is flirting with Drey again. It makes me sick and she thinks I'm jealous. I'm NOT. I just don't want to see him hurt her again. I may be a little jealous but nothing serious. I'm not gonna ruin a friendship over it. I told Shelby she needs to stop hurting me and Catherine. That is isn't funny, it's painful. She says she finds it funny. No wonder no one wants to date her, what boy would want to date a girl that could beat them up? Catherine made me mad today...I was already in a bad mood when she sat against the pole where I wanted to sit and would not move...it just really pissed me off.

Stupid Drey is being himself again...playing with people. I don't care if he "loves" me or whatever. I don't care if he flirts with Shelby. I don't care if he makes out with me in a bathroom. I don't care about what we had or what we could have had. I just wish he could give me a straight answer for once in his life.

Ray pissed me off. (Everyone is today). He called me and kept asking what's wrong, over and over. I told him numerous times to just leave me alone, I'll talk when I'm ready. But no, he pestered and pestered and just wouldn't stop. And now he's pestering me about being in love with someone else. He never knows when to quit and just let me have alone time. I had to turn my phones ringer off.

I'm just...tired with everyone around me...plain and simple. Everyone.