I am not looking FORWARD to next weekend...I am not looking FORWARD to spending time with a bunch of loud and silly girls and one BITCH that I honestly cannot even tolerate looking at. Also...one weird Foster wanna be. Be my salvation Laura Lie...but I can't fight the feeling that you will make things even worse. Perhaps I'm being too much of a downer.

I'm growing fonder and fonder of Green. He's easy to talk to and easy to trust...he's going to corrupt me, you see. Lovely talks of drugs and music - I hate Nirvana - and he hates me for that. Totally hit that. His truck smells nice...he smells nice. I have a crush on Jordan Green. Oh well, it's only a crush. No shame.

"Krysten is on the road to becoming a crazy bitch" It's RICO!!!! How can you be so head over heels for Rico? Poor Child...very teenager. Oh well...you'll get over it. In the mean time I'm here to listen, laugh, and roll my eyes.

Being single is what I'm MADE for. Random kissing and walk off home runs...parties and no guilt. "Ani't no shame in my game" but don't expect me to bang seven guys in one night (cough - Ally - cough) I get what I want...

"I think even Drey has standards."
-"What standards?"
"Nothing over 300 pounds that resembles a bull elephant"
But that's mean to elephants... I've never hated anyone so much in my entire life, not even the man that killed my own mother. I think I could actually take a bat to her fat face and bash her skull in and feel no remorse. Which is how I plan on handling the three continuous days of dealing with her - imaging all the wonderous ways I can cause her extreme amounts of prolonged agony. I am indeed a wretched girl. But she's worse...she deserves everything that's coming to her. Karma is already fighting back...she's gained 20+ pounds from her birth control shots...which are pointless - because honestly - who's going to have sex with that thing?
I'm going to kill her one day.

Enough of that...I plan on being perfectly calm and enjoying my time. I can handle the trip...headphones and texting will keep me sane. Huber, Ethan, Kidder and Jeffery - will keep me sane. Loud music and happy thoughts - will drown her out and keep me sane.

I have made a decision to be nice to Alexander...not overly nice to where I'm leading him on, just nice, like I am to Gage or something. I hate when I'm mean to him - because, well...I'm being so mean. But I hate myself when I'm nice to him - because I feel that I'm leading him on. We will never be together again. But he won't come out of his stupid fantasy land and face the reality of the situation. And on top of it all - he has HEART problems now!!! At 19. It's partly my fault, no matter how much we will try to deny it.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it's called - and it's partly my fault. I hate that he puts so much on my shoulders. He has to make things right he says...why can't he make them right as my friend? It's a stupid method of getting back with me. I'll never be happy with him again - and he says he can't be happy without me. So it's a lose - lose situation. He needs to move on...but he's so fucking stupid that he says that he can never be happy with anyone else but me. And I hate him for that. Part of me - an extremely small percent - just wishes he would die. I hate myself for that, but it just seems like it would make things so much easier. I don't want him to die - I just want him out of my life...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Going see Horton today - for the second time. But with Krysten this time. Oh well...it was cute. I can sit through it again. Then I'll probably see it a third time with Kidder...I can do that. Headphones...right ?

Walmart Parking Lot...good song. I miss Ethan. I miss Green. I miss straightening my hair and doing my make up - since I haven't done that in a week or so...shocking no?
It's only 10 : 37 am on Monday - the first day of Easter vacation...

S.L.U.T.

"I sip offa everyone elses drink, that's how I get drunk." "You know what's great about being fucked up and single at a party? Everyone else is single and fucked up too!!!" Among many other things I'm sure...I remember it all.
I remember my head in his lap [[face up!]] I remember my head on his chest/tummy/neck. I remember his hands on me. I remember kissing his neck. I remember his lips on mine.

Think he remembers? That mark on his neck might remind him. Hehehe. I remember him kissing Shelby Thunda. I remember him feeling up Big Ashley...ew. I remember him being so far gone he probably doesn't know who I was.

John too. But I just kissed him goodbye. I hugged lots of people. and feel in <3 with Shelby Thunda. If I was half gay, it would so be all her. Seriously.
"Watch my sober face"

Bathroom - nerve wracking. At this point I'm pretty much all but totally sober. Just slept it off.
Stupid Emily. Almost got the party shut down. Stupid light weight, can't hold her alcohol. Waving knives. Good thing she went home. Can only imagine what she got into.

Can't wait to hear about it all Monday. Wonder who remembers it all, besides me. Sam probably. Not Rayni, she left before all the fun got started. Lucky her. Well, at least I'm not the new Triple P...

When the stars go blue

I can't help but question if I did the right thing. I did - for him. I didn't - for myself.
I couldn't help it. He was so sad, so sweet, so miserable without me. How could I do that to a person? How could I sit there and listen to him tell of how he's nothing without me. How could I just leave as I watched the tears fall from his eyes. How could I go when he's done so much to make me stay?

I didn't take him back, but I did tell him that I may - one day. And he's SO happy for just that. That one little ray of hope. Of second chances. I don't want to be with him though, but part of me does. Part of seeing him today just tugged at my heartstrings and I know there's still something there. Something inside of me loves him still and wants to be his again. Not anytime soon though.

He thinks he raped me. And who knows - maybe he did. Because we both know that I wasn't ready, we know that he pretty much forced me into it even after I said no. And isn't that what rape is? But I loved him at the time, and I did it to make him happy. Even if he does think he did, I know he didn't.

"Please don't kiss any other guys" Did NOT fall for that one. I did say that I wouldn't date him though. And I won't. But I can kiss him and love up on him as much as I please. I told Alexx - "sorry, but I'd rather tell you the truth now than later"

You know I'm just a fool for you. He's sorry he didn't kill Jeffery. I'm happy he didn't. "Please don't peirce your tongue" He thought about it. Right after the party. He had a lot of crazy ideas. All for me. I am NOT worth it. I wish he would see.

He tells me all these things he would do for me, all the things he's willing to change. He shouldn't have to change a thing. I wish he would find another girl to love. He says there no one else. In a world of like 3 billion people, there's no one else. I wish he would move on.

I wish I knew what to do...I want to be with Jeffery right now...

At least I'm not...

A claw foot tub =)

I get to see J E F F E R Y tonight!!! [[squeals of joy]] I'm tres excited.
He's not my rebound boy, he's my peirced tongue, you make me feel pretty - boy.
and I can kiss him and snuggle him and love up on him guilt free.

Don't get me wrong, I love Alexx, but I'm ready to play the feild. Test the water of other boys.
& Jeffery is my ocean.

EEEEE!!!!! I can't quit smiling!
=) Whoa, Jeffery Afemon and Julian Austin have the same intials. I s'pose when I refer to Julian in short I will have to use J.M.A. hehehe, J MA

Kidder is so...needy. Clingy. I don't like it. Ray was like that. Ugh.

This is a

list of things that I want...I'll probably never get most of this, but hell, I want it anyway :

Stilleto converse - I don't know why exactly, but I want some. Pink preferably
To be a size 3 - 5 - for obvious reasons, I want cuter and better fitting clothes
A gasmask - just to say I have one, and for pictures
A corset - because if I can't be a size 5, I can at least appear to be one. And see above
A sidekick phone - it has a full keyboard
To slap/physically hurt Shelby Fogleman - because I hate her
Panties - I like them =)
For myspace to work right now - so I can listen to Umbrella
To be with Dylan - because I love him
To find out if Jake likes me - so I can stop THINKING about it
To bang or make out with Huber - just to get it over with
A perminate way home - because everything keeps falling through
My license - so I can be my own way home
A jeep like Megan's or a Beetle - I like them
A tutu - see reason for gas mask
To pass the GEE - obvious reasons
To love Scotty and have him love me - I don't know really
To go for a walk - I'll do that later

I am irritated right now - for no reason in particular. Myspace isn't working. I don't feel loving. I don't get to see Ethan for spring break. Catherine gets to drive before me - and Shelby gets to go to her house Friday. Laura has been acting stupid and annoying. I'm single, and I still don't know what I want - I will postpone getting back with Alexx for as long as I can. I hate Brandi, Kristen, Shelby, Marcus, Monique, Josh (Mexican), Danae, Chase, and Sweaty. That's only nine, which is a lot less than most people.

I do not believe that Ethan truly loves his girlfriend, it's clear that he likes her - considering he won't cheat on her - but I don't believe that they are in love. She must really be something.

I'm tired.

Daydreaming

Not about him exactly, just about his kiss. All through sixth hour I imagined his lips, his tongue, the sounds he made while I sucked his neck. Oh...
It makes my eyelids heavy and my tongue throb. I want that again. The way his tongue ring clicked against my teeth. His smell, and mmm that soft shirt. I don't want him, just his mouth, neck, upper body in general.

Now I'm thinking of all the great kisses I've experienced...and it hurts to say this, but Kidder isn't in that group.

Memorable kisses include :
My first - Drey
That night - Luke
The movie - Julian
The party - Jeffery

*My first kiss was amazing, even though it came from Drey. It still makes me all dreamy to remember it...I think it was only because it was my first kiss, because I remember kissing him after that and it was NOT as good. Maybe because I was cheating on Julian when it happened...

*That night with Luke, not the sex, but the kisses were awesome. Very slow and sweet. He tasted SO good. And he smelled even better.

*The movie - I think that was one of the first and only times I actually made out with Julian, but I remember thinking that he was outragously good at it. Even looking back now I know that he was one of the best kissers I've ever kissed.

*The party with Jeffery...well that can be read above.

People I've kissed - not in order :

Drey
Ethan
Julian
Dylan
Michael
Sara
Lori
Kidder
Jeffery
Luke
Richard
*If pecks counted I'd have to add : Santana, Zack, and Trevor

Wow...eleven people in a two year span! Only nine if the girls aren't included though. And it'd be like 15 if pecks were counted. I wonder if Huber is a good kisser...? I don't even like him. I just want to kiss him. I want to kiss Scotty too...actually I just want to cuddle with him

I also want to kiss Green. I dreamed about him recently. He asked me out and I had to say no because I was dating Alexx, I remember feeling like crap about it because in the dream I REALLY liked him. Then there was something about an airport...

Note : This blog wasn't supposed to be about kisses. In fact it was supposed to be about Jeffery and me daydreaming about him.

You gotta reaction

I tried...I failed. I am tres discouraged in myself. I am weak, I am meek, I suck.
Couldn't even go one day being "broken up" or "on break" I wasn't wrong and I know it, but he made me feel that I was. That everything I did was wrong...ugh.

I wasn't wrong. There were no better solutions. [[light bulb]] drifting apart anyone? No, tried and failed that too. Not with him...but with Ray. Actually, I tried making Ray hate me, and I definatly don't want to do that with Kidder.

So at this point, we're still together, and if I still feel this way in a month or so, it's OVER. Period, dot the i's and cross the t's. O.V.E.R.
I swear...right?

I wasn't wrong...I wasn't. I WAS NOT WRONG.
was I wrong?

On the + side, I spent a really G O O D day with Kaitlin LeBlanc yesterday...as skeptical as I was to go with the girl formerly known as "psycho bitch" it turned out REALLY good and fun.
Despite her constant cursing and big mouth =)
We : went to the mall [[got glasses]], went to BAM [[admired various sex books, found out she was a virgin]], got our nails done...and saw The Eye [[which was awesome]] and all in all, had FUN. I actually will keep in touch this time.

Filed nails and painted them purple, feel much better about them. Feel fat but didn't gain weight, listened to Tainted Love and related [[ugh]] talked to Kidder and felt...strange. Listening to Smells Like Teen Spirit and can't understand a damn word...and yet Kurt Cobain was one of the most famous "troubled souls" on this planet...he sings like he has a mouth full of marbles.

Watched Alfred Hitchcock presents...Psycho. Creeped me out a tad, maybe because I'm reading about Ed Gein, the real life american Psycho. Ate bread pudding.

"Did I call you last night?" "yeah, told me you loved me" "and you said it back right?" "...yeah" "good it wasn't a dream" someone save me from my relationship. I'm only 15, I shouldn't be in this situation, I should be more mature...I feel, dare I say it, my own age.

I need to shower, but my lights are burned out, and I don't like the dark. It's funny to type with nails. Feels strange.
I'm done for now. Thanks.