Of people!!! Of the entire fucking human race.
I'm sick of :
Kidder
Shelby
Danae
Julian
Jeffery
and with the exception of Catherine, Huber, and Kim...I pretty much am peeved at the entire fucking world
To clarify - my boyfriend is a fucking idiot, moron! I don't know how he twisted my words to Kristen, I don't know how he twists my words to anyone. But I am sick and tired of him doing it. I told him to stop flirting with her, that he wasn't justifying what he did to her before and that he was being a dumbass...you do NOT tell people what you say about them during a fight, and some things you just keep private. But does Kidder understand this concept? Hell fucking no. Everything has to be out in the open with him. I'm sick of him betraying my trust, I'm sick of him treating me like a 4 year old moron, and honestly - I'm just sick of him.
And it was fine...all day. Until I got to teen court where all the AHS kids either didn't notice me, or completely shunned me. Just because my boyfriend did a dumbass thing does not mean they have to hate me. It's not my fucking burden to bare.
And then I check my myspace to find Kristen of all people calling ME insecure and blah blah because Dumbass told her [[I'm guessing]] he made it seem like I was upset because he called her pretty. No stupid, I was upset because you kept commenting on her fucking tits. I get that you used to date, that you "loved" each other - but you just don't do that. Way to earn my trust idiot.
Shelby is getting on my nerves. Period.
I think Julian is mad at me and I don't know why. He was being mean.
Danae is a stupid, dumb, loud mouth bitch. End of.
Jeffery blew me off...I don't like him.
I was loving Kidder today, I got over the fight we had. Until I found that message. Now I'm just sitting here, doubting our relationship. I'm not sure how much of this shit I can take.
Ugg...someone help me?
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Kidder Lee
Six months and seventeen days.
Eclisped by Evans Blue and Hard to Concentrate by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fours years and one month - difference.
I love him. That's it, I said it. But sometimes I hate him. I want to leave him behind and never look back. I can't...
He's femine, arrogant [[sometimes]], ignorant [[sometimes]], insolant [[often]], pushy, and sometimes he can be a flat out jerk. But I can't stop loving him. I can't bring myself to leave him...to forget.
He's sweet, funny, he cheers me up, he's cute and no matter what I do, I know he loves me back. There's so much more, but I just can't translate it into words. He completes me. Ha!
He's always pushing me to do things I don't want to do, and bringing me down, he makes me cry and feel just flat out lousy. But somehow, he makes it all worthwhile.
I can't imagine my life without him...and even when I'm crying because he's hurt me I can't think about living him. No matter how much I want to at the time, I just can't do it. I'll end up more upset if I think about leaving him.
No matter what other options cross my path, part of me knows that they will never compare to him. Despite what sweet things he tells me or how much he says he wants me, I know his feelings are not as true as Alexx's.
He tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me I'm perfect despite my flaws, he makes me feel wanted, desired. As much as I need him in my life, I know he needs me just as much in his. That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes I feel that I cannot trust him, that he doesn't understand a thing about me. He shoots down what I have to say and sometimes he makes me feel like a complete moron, but I know he doesn't think that way. He think I"m "fairly intellegent" and he knows I make good points. He once told me I should be a politician, and coming from Alexx, I take that as a complement.
I feel that he is eternally 10 sometimes, and I just want to slap him. He does stupid things and makes stupid decisions, and doesn't understand when to stop fighting and just listen...so why do I love him so much?
I can't even answer that question, there's just...something about him.
Eclisped by Evans Blue and Hard to Concentrate by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Fours years and one month - difference.
I love him. That's it, I said it. But sometimes I hate him. I want to leave him behind and never look back. I can't...
He's femine, arrogant [[sometimes]], ignorant [[sometimes]], insolant [[often]], pushy, and sometimes he can be a flat out jerk. But I can't stop loving him. I can't bring myself to leave him...to forget.
He's sweet, funny, he cheers me up, he's cute and no matter what I do, I know he loves me back. There's so much more, but I just can't translate it into words. He completes me. Ha!
He's always pushing me to do things I don't want to do, and bringing me down, he makes me cry and feel just flat out lousy. But somehow, he makes it all worthwhile.
I can't imagine my life without him...and even when I'm crying because he's hurt me I can't think about living him. No matter how much I want to at the time, I just can't do it. I'll end up more upset if I think about leaving him.
No matter what other options cross my path, part of me knows that they will never compare to him. Despite what sweet things he tells me or how much he says he wants me, I know his feelings are not as true as Alexx's.
He tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me I'm perfect despite my flaws, he makes me feel wanted, desired. As much as I need him in my life, I know he needs me just as much in his. That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes I feel that I cannot trust him, that he doesn't understand a thing about me. He shoots down what I have to say and sometimes he makes me feel like a complete moron, but I know he doesn't think that way. He think I"m "fairly intellegent" and he knows I make good points. He once told me I should be a politician, and coming from Alexx, I take that as a complement.
I feel that he is eternally 10 sometimes, and I just want to slap him. He does stupid things and makes stupid decisions, and doesn't understand when to stop fighting and just listen...so why do I love him so much?
I can't even answer that question, there's just...something about him.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Hello.
I miss you, I want you, I need you, I'll have you - Sunday.
We won!!! Rhonda McDonald, Little Mrs. Ed-u-ma-cation, and...a jogger? This may not seem like the right combination to you, but it came right out of Dawn Pitres' head...and won us first place gold babe. The ride was nice...funny...warm...nice. Music - Heidi and Megan...Sarah's feet! Ha. Lovely gay boy - Trent. Bouncy bounce - Clitus. =)
Pizza hut! Cici's! Picadilly of course...yumm. Poor broke Shelby. "I feel so bad for mooching off you guys - you gonna eat that?" Silly girl. Leslie and her STUPID pink bear that she never did win...after 24 tries and twelve dollars later...I couldn't leave her. But I do think she's a little mean, or at least irritable.
Chatted with Paige - Homie G's, werd. I love her...she's so sweet. Baby does got back. It's a classic. No kids?! [[duh...]] Colleges - NSU seems nice.
DON'T TELL ME WHO TO DEFEND. I'LL DEFEND WHOMEVER I PLEASE, WHETHER IT BE LESLIE'S LITTLE SISTER OR MY BOYFRIEND. I'm sorry, it had to be said.
No one else thinks like you, they like who they like for a reason. Just because you don't find them "interesting" doesn't mean they don't. There are no other boys like Zack, we can't all date Dufor's. Get over it and ask him out already. You love him and you know, stop trying to stifle your emotions, stop lying to yourself and just TELL THE BOY YOU LOVE HIM!!! It's not hard.
Ugh.
"Please don't feed the Negro"
Drivers ed. tomorrow...Catherine is moving. Uhauls ahoy.
We won!!! Rhonda McDonald, Little Mrs. Ed-u-ma-cation, and...a jogger? This may not seem like the right combination to you, but it came right out of Dawn Pitres' head...and won us first place gold babe. The ride was nice...funny...warm...nice. Music - Heidi and Megan...Sarah's feet! Ha. Lovely gay boy - Trent. Bouncy bounce - Clitus. =)
Pizza hut! Cici's! Picadilly of course...yumm. Poor broke Shelby. "I feel so bad for mooching off you guys - you gonna eat that?" Silly girl. Leslie and her STUPID pink bear that she never did win...after 24 tries and twelve dollars later...I couldn't leave her. But I do think she's a little mean, or at least irritable.
Chatted with Paige - Homie G's, werd. I love her...she's so sweet. Baby does got back. It's a classic. No kids?! [[duh...]] Colleges - NSU seems nice.
DON'T TELL ME WHO TO DEFEND. I'LL DEFEND WHOMEVER I PLEASE, WHETHER IT BE LESLIE'S LITTLE SISTER OR MY BOYFRIEND. I'm sorry, it had to be said.
No one else thinks like you, they like who they like for a reason. Just because you don't find them "interesting" doesn't mean they don't. There are no other boys like Zack, we can't all date Dufor's. Get over it and ask him out already. You love him and you know, stop trying to stifle your emotions, stop lying to yourself and just TELL THE BOY YOU LOVE HIM!!! It's not hard.
Ugh.
"Please don't feed the Negro"
Drivers ed. tomorrow...Catherine is moving. Uhauls ahoy.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Raise your hands
It's tyme to fight...not realloy, but it IS time to write. So much has happened these last few days. I guess I'll start with Alexx. We've been together over 6 months now, and I love him. I honestly do. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with him and his aggorgant, annoying, and downright stupidity...but then I think about what my life, what HIS life would be like if we weren't together. And I hate it. I can't even bare to think about it. We fight, but for the past few days things have been wonderful [[knock wood]] It's like I'm falling for him all over again. It doesn't feel like 6 months, everything feels new again, and sometimes it's feels like we've been together for years.
Shelby FUCKED Huber...she says. I believe, but don't want to. IF she did it makes her nothing more than a hypocrate, the fact that she did the very thing she told me not to do...she said she wouldn't have sex with someone she didn't love, and when she did, she wanted to be COMPLETLY naked. She did the thing I did that made her call me a slut. At least I was dating Alexx, at least he didn't have a girlfriend at the time. Home wrecker. I love you Shelby Nicole, but you are a hypocrate now. You weren't naked, you do not love Joey, and not only that, but he had a girlfriend at the time. I guess that makes him a worse person than you. I feel justified.
My FFA speech is FINALLY over!!! I went to UL and DID NOT PLACE, that means it's done. Hahaha!!!! I'm so incredibly happy about that. I stressed and screamed and HATED doing that speech with a PASSION. But now it's over. And in a few short days, the FCCLA one will be over too. I have to dress up like a clown...At first, I hated the idea, I wanted to kick and scream and refuse. But I didn't. I suxked it up and now it doesn't even matter, it gives me incentive to act retarted.
I wish I could be anorexic, I wish I had the will power...I wish I could actually lose weight the right way, a way that won't kill me or damage me. I try, sometimes...I just want to be thin, not super thin, a size 7 or 5. People tell me they love me the way I am, but the thing is, I don't love me the way I am. I love myself, I just want to buy cute clothes and look cute in them.
When I first met Joey Huber, I didn't mind him, he seemed friendly enough. Then he grew into an asshole and I grew to hate him. Now I'm growing more and more fond of him again...maybe because I want him to like me more than he liked Shelby.
When I first met Jordan Greene I LOATHED him with a passion, I hated everything about him, and he hated me. It was a mutal hatred. Now I find myself becoming more attached to Jordan, actually feeling empathy for him. I'm becoming quite fond of his cynical attitude, his sarcatic ways, his silly QuicksilVER jacket. It's odd, hating someone so much and then actually caring about them...strange indeed.
When I first met Drey I clicked with him instantly. We bonded and such...he was an awesome kid. I hate him now. I hate everything about Drey Michael Cantrelle. His stupidity, his personality. Every fiber of his being. If Drey Cantrelle hung himself in front of me, I would giggle and prance away. That is how much I hate him. I want to cause him pain and suffering. I want him to contract cancer and just die, no...people have pity when you have cancer...I want him to become a leper, not just a social leper like he is now...a leper... I want everyone to hate him like I do. We're close, because most people hate him anyway =)
Victoria Ferman, or Victoria Vermin as she should be called. She's never done anything to me personally...I just hate her. No reason, just do. =)
I was going to go to a party tonight...at "The Site" but I've changed my mind. It's not worth it. The cops are going to show up and bust it up anyway. Besides, as much as I love all the Bunkie kids, I do NOT love them drunk. I prefer just to stay home and relax. Sure, I may regret not going, but I'll survive. There will be other parties.
Shelby is irritated with me...and I don't care. If she didn't want me to make comments about her sleeping with Huber she should not have told me... I got mad at Laura for the fist time ever the other day, but I got over it quickly.
I should work on my English assignment, but I can do that later. It is a three day weekend after all.
I want to be better, I want my teachers to respect me, I want to be a better student, I want to UNDERSTAND geometry, and pull my grade up. I want a B...I know I probably cannot get an A...but I want at least a B...and dammit I'm going to TRY. I'm going to study and WERP and ask questions and PAY ATTENTION. Even if it kills me...
My boyfriend took the pussy way out. That's right, he quit school. So many excuses..."No one likes me, I have no friends." "I wasn't passing anyway." "I can work more now" Stupid boy who isn't stupid, just lazy. And I still can't bring myself to hate him or leave him. But I did lecture the hell out of him...it did no good.
I love my dad very much, but lately he is just annoying the hell out of me. We fight and I'm irritated with him and I do not like it. I'm gonna try and be a better person to him too.
Wish me luck.
Wow, it feels great to write again.
Shelby FUCKED Huber...she says. I believe, but don't want to. IF she did it makes her nothing more than a hypocrate, the fact that she did the very thing she told me not to do...she said she wouldn't have sex with someone she didn't love, and when she did, she wanted to be COMPLETLY naked. She did the thing I did that made her call me a slut. At least I was dating Alexx, at least he didn't have a girlfriend at the time. Home wrecker. I love you Shelby Nicole, but you are a hypocrate now. You weren't naked, you do not love Joey, and not only that, but he had a girlfriend at the time. I guess that makes him a worse person than you. I feel justified.
My FFA speech is FINALLY over!!! I went to UL and DID NOT PLACE, that means it's done. Hahaha!!!! I'm so incredibly happy about that. I stressed and screamed and HATED doing that speech with a PASSION. But now it's over. And in a few short days, the FCCLA one will be over too. I have to dress up like a clown...At first, I hated the idea, I wanted to kick and scream and refuse. But I didn't. I suxked it up and now it doesn't even matter, it gives me incentive to act retarted.
I wish I could be anorexic, I wish I had the will power...I wish I could actually lose weight the right way, a way that won't kill me or damage me. I try, sometimes...I just want to be thin, not super thin, a size 7 or 5. People tell me they love me the way I am, but the thing is, I don't love me the way I am. I love myself, I just want to buy cute clothes and look cute in them.
When I first met Joey Huber, I didn't mind him, he seemed friendly enough. Then he grew into an asshole and I grew to hate him. Now I'm growing more and more fond of him again...maybe because I want him to like me more than he liked Shelby.
When I first met Jordan Greene I LOATHED him with a passion, I hated everything about him, and he hated me. It was a mutal hatred. Now I find myself becoming more attached to Jordan, actually feeling empathy for him. I'm becoming quite fond of his cynical attitude, his sarcatic ways, his silly QuicksilVER jacket. It's odd, hating someone so much and then actually caring about them...strange indeed.
When I first met Drey I clicked with him instantly. We bonded and such...he was an awesome kid. I hate him now. I hate everything about Drey Michael Cantrelle. His stupidity, his personality. Every fiber of his being. If Drey Cantrelle hung himself in front of me, I would giggle and prance away. That is how much I hate him. I want to cause him pain and suffering. I want him to contract cancer and just die, no...people have pity when you have cancer...I want him to become a leper, not just a social leper like he is now...a leper... I want everyone to hate him like I do. We're close, because most people hate him anyway =)
Victoria Ferman, or Victoria Vermin as she should be called. She's never done anything to me personally...I just hate her. No reason, just do. =)
I was going to go to a party tonight...at "The Site" but I've changed my mind. It's not worth it. The cops are going to show up and bust it up anyway. Besides, as much as I love all the Bunkie kids, I do NOT love them drunk. I prefer just to stay home and relax. Sure, I may regret not going, but I'll survive. There will be other parties.
Shelby is irritated with me...and I don't care. If she didn't want me to make comments about her sleeping with Huber she should not have told me... I got mad at Laura for the fist time ever the other day, but I got over it quickly.
I should work on my English assignment, but I can do that later. It is a three day weekend after all.
I want to be better, I want my teachers to respect me, I want to be a better student, I want to UNDERSTAND geometry, and pull my grade up. I want a B...I know I probably cannot get an A...but I want at least a B...and dammit I'm going to TRY. I'm going to study and WERP and ask questions and PAY ATTENTION. Even if it kills me...
My boyfriend took the pussy way out. That's right, he quit school. So many excuses..."No one likes me, I have no friends." "I wasn't passing anyway." "I can work more now" Stupid boy who isn't stupid, just lazy. And I still can't bring myself to hate him or leave him. But I did lecture the hell out of him...it did no good.
I love my dad very much, but lately he is just annoying the hell out of me. We fight and I'm irritated with him and I do not like it. I'm gonna try and be a better person to him too.
Wish me luck.
Wow, it feels great to write again.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
And I'm so
Angry and frustrated and confused and happy...I just want to slap him but I want nothing more than to just be in his arms...through everything.
He's so FUCKING STUBBORN sometimes. Urgg. How do I know I love him? Because I have a COMPLETE inability to hate him, even a little bit. He makes me angry and he makes me cry but I can't hate him. I've tried. I think and I ponder and I contemplate leaving him, and when I try I can't. I can't even imagine leaving him, life with him.
And then I have to. I have to think about it. Because it's coming. He's leaving soon. This is his last year in high school. He's going to New Orleans. I'll hardly ever see him. "What are we gonna do Alexx?" "Talk on the phone." "I've already had a relationship like that." "Yeah, but you'll see me."
"Don't let go" "I won't, I'll never let go." Not willingly...but you will. One day. It's inevitable. Like death, it's staring me in the face and I can't look away. "Do you want to just call it quits now?" "No. No. No. Don't let me go." Six days, less than one week and we make six months. Half a year. In real life. This isn't make-believe.
So I hold on for one more day. As Wilson Phillips would suggest. But the truth is, I'm scared. I'm terrified, petrified, mortified. Of the future, and what it holds. And I know there are other boys, but I don't want to let him go. Not now, not anytime soon.
But I must...I don't know when, but I know it'll happen. And while forever seems like such a nice idea, that's all it is. An idea. A word for dreamers and idiots. But that doesn't mean I can't hold on for as long as possible. Whether for 60 years or 20 minutes, I'm not letting go.
In other news: I got my friend back. I hope we can stay friends this time.
He's so FUCKING STUBBORN sometimes. Urgg. How do I know I love him? Because I have a COMPLETE inability to hate him, even a little bit. He makes me angry and he makes me cry but I can't hate him. I've tried. I think and I ponder and I contemplate leaving him, and when I try I can't. I can't even imagine leaving him, life with him.
And then I have to. I have to think about it. Because it's coming. He's leaving soon. This is his last year in high school. He's going to New Orleans. I'll hardly ever see him. "What are we gonna do Alexx?" "Talk on the phone." "I've already had a relationship like that." "Yeah, but you'll see me."
"Don't let go" "I won't, I'll never let go." Not willingly...but you will. One day. It's inevitable. Like death, it's staring me in the face and I can't look away. "Do you want to just call it quits now?" "No. No. No. Don't let me go." Six days, less than one week and we make six months. Half a year. In real life. This isn't make-believe.
So I hold on for one more day. As Wilson Phillips would suggest. But the truth is, I'm scared. I'm terrified, petrified, mortified. Of the future, and what it holds. And I know there are other boys, but I don't want to let him go. Not now, not anytime soon.
But I must...I don't know when, but I know it'll happen. And while forever seems like such a nice idea, that's all it is. An idea. A word for dreamers and idiots. But that doesn't mean I can't hold on for as long as possible. Whether for 60 years or 20 minutes, I'm not letting go.
In other news: I got my friend back. I hope we can stay friends this time.
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