Dance to this beat

I have to write this down...my thoughts buzzing in my head...ZOE.TROPE.EXSISTS
Z.T. makes me THINK like HER.

I miss my glitter boy...I want him. I want to fuck his mouth with my tongue. I want to clutch his body to mine and have our heart beats merge together as one. I want to take his hand in mine and run through streets, cause car crashes and heart attacks. The constant beep beep of a heart moniter. FLAT LINE. I need that. I need him. I need to rip his shirt off and kiss his chest, his stomache. Kiss his neck, his shoulders, that smooth, gay skin. I might as well just fuck him, orgasm right here and now. Swoon.

Now him, I really could fuck. He's straight and wants me...I want that tongue right a little south of my belly button. I want his flesh on mine...his scent all over me. Press me up against a wall and bang me in an alley. Take me baby, I'm yours tonight. Make me your virgin. I lie...I really just want to hold you, kiss you, seduce you. I think back to that night with Luke, how amazing he was...so sweet and soft. And I want that with you.

"Are you two dating?" "No, it's just casual sex." Only it isn't...we aren't fucking. Let's fuck baby. My mouth is a cunt and your tongue is a hungry cock. Oh.


I'm freaking out my boyfriend, telling him about the things I want to do with a gay man and prancing around my room singing Panic! at the disco. I'm very...flittery tonight. Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head.
"This is your brain on acid." This is my brain on Trope.
Jordan Greene is not attractive, Jordan Greene is a douche bag, Jordan Greene...make me intelligent. Don't let me waste my life away Jordan Greene...I'm counting on you.

"Something is wrong with you tonight" No, I'm just...giggly. "Anything you want baby." "That's a lot to offer." Oh what little you know sweetheart. Let's exchange body heat.

I feel the need to dance...drum my fingers...FUCK...I just want body heat...
Flesh on flesh. I love that word...flesh...like melting chocolate on my tongue, flesh.

He thinks I'm on drugs...be my drug. Be my Mary Jane, my acid, my ECTASY. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. Willa Wonka was a GOD. Johnny Depp was a GOD. I want to taste flesh, the salty tang of it on my warm, waiting tongue.

Everyone on this earth is a product of sex. A one night stand in Cabo, true fucking love, rape in the back of a car with no air conditioning...everyone is a product.

This is the end. Thank you

Here again

Listening to Taylor Swift and texting the boy he doesn't like me talking to about things he doesn't like me talking about. Oh well...he knows I do it anyway. I am not his puppy, I am not on a leash. It's my life...he's my friend, and he knows I'm not going to stop talking to him. I should, a good girlfriend would respect her boyfriends' wishes...guess I'm not that good.

He's sweet and fun to talk to...I'm not going to leave Alexx for him and Jeffery knows that. He's going to find a girlfriend...he's hot. It'll be easy for him. "I guess I'll have to find a girl I don't like as much as you to be my girlfriend" he said...see? He's not a threat. I admit, I thought he was for a while...but I love Alexx. I do.

I'm 15. I know that chances are, this won't last forever, but every now and again there's a couple that beats the odds...right? Next year he'll be in college...that's my fear. He's moving on to bigger and better things. By this time next year I may be old news. Last years model. [[sigh]] This is lifes' curve ball...and I quit softball .

My brother got married...2 down, 3 to go. I like Lydia, she's sweet...and really quite gorgeous. But the wedding SUCKED. The preachers went on and on about crap. How the woman should respect everything her husband does because he's her "spiritual head" and that she needs to do this and this for him and blah blah blah...I wanted to shoot the preacher in the face. I texted the whole time...Thanks Jeffery and Alexx, you guys saved me. I do not want a huge wedding, something simple is fine with me. Eloping seems fantastic right now...

I miss Dylan again, I thought about the first time we met. We clicked so fast...I've never had that before. And he was so sweet. It amazes me that God created someone so wonderful...or that a person like that exsists. Too bad he's gay =)
Maybe that's a good thing, I can't corrupt him like I have a tendancy to do...wait, maybe I already did. Whoops. Haha. I love him so much. No matter where I go in life, I doubt I'll forget him. We go to different schools but still...

I've been thinking about the future and I've realized something...it scares the hell out of me. It shouldn't, everyone grows up and moves on...it can't be that bad. But I just think; what happens when I go to college and leave all my friends behind? Will I make new ones? Good ones? Will I be alright? And what happens when I start my career and get married? Will I even want kids...? Homeless people, with the exception of being hungry, homeless, and having to brace the harshness of weather, seem to have it made. They don't worry about failing out of high school and maintaining a career...way to go homeless bums. You guys are the true American Dream.

Anyway...I guess that's it. Party tonight...not going. I'm not trusted, and I don't really want to go...I just want something to do...someone to do. Ha!

I finally

Got what I wanted...right? I wanted him to admit that he'd fight for me, that he really does love me. That I actually made him JEALOUS. He doesn't like me talking to Jeffery but he says he won't ask me to stop, he's threatened. He "needs" me, "Please don't leave me. Please don't go" and I don't, and I won't, right now.



And I tell him maybe he should try showing that he loves me a little more through the little things. Things that don't cost money...open the door for me, brush the hair out of my face and say you love me, send me text messages calling me beautiful. And he does...and I wonder; "How long will this new, improved, sweet boy last?" "Until you do something stupid again." Whoops...guess I won't be doing that again huh?



He blames himself for me cheating. He shouldn't, it wasn't his fault, he didn't do anything. He justs wants to justify my cheating. And he admits to that, but, like me, he will lie to himself so much...eventually he'll believe it. This is his reason why he didn't come over and stop me.



He didn't want me to make a scene. He didn't want to make a scene. He was afraid of what I'd do or say. He was afraid I'd leave him in front of all those people. He didn't want to be embarrassed. He didn't want to hurt Jeffery. He didn't want to remember it after that night.

HE WAS AFRAID

And that's fine. Everyone gets scared sometimes. After he saw me kissing Jeffery he just wanted to get drunk, he wanted to get so drunk he wouldn't remember what I did to him. How could I do that? After yesterday I question myself again; "How could I hurt such a wonderful person? Someone that loves me so much and would do almost anything for me? What kind of girl am I?" My answer; I don't know. I honestly have no idea.

And part of me STILL manages to be confused. To even CONTEMPLATE being with someone other than Alexx. ERG. I won't, I can't, I don't leave him for the arms of another. No matter how sweet he may seem, how funny or cute...I don't love him. I like him, yes, that I cannot deny. But I will NOT ruin the best thing to ever happen to me, to him, to us.

& He's my little oddball

I shouldn't like him...I love Kidder. But, God...I can't help it. His lips, his tongue ring, his...him.

This is something I wrote this morning...I think it explains things better.

"Could what I did Friday really be considered cheating? If my boyfriend was right there, watching my every move and doing nothing to stop it. I didn't go far; it was only kissing. I don't know what came over me. He just...felt good, smelled nice, and he was a good kisser. I acted like a slut, a 10 cent whore. I should be ashamed of what I did, but I'm not. Jeffery actually liked me. He was the first boy [[besides Julian]], to like me since I've been with Alexx. I liked it. Kidder and I make 5 months today, I fear we may not last much longer. I love him, honestly, I do. But part of me really likes Jeffery. Is that wrong? To have a crush on someone when you love another? It's only a crush, he's just a friend. It's not like I'm going to act on it. I'm not confused, I'm so confused. What's wrong with me?! I feel detached from Alexx and I don't know why. I just to talk to him, hold him, feel his lips on mine again. Alexx, not Jeffery. My Kidder Lee. The boy who means so much to me. I feel somewhat like I'm being torn apart at the seams. It'll be okay, everything will be okay."

Kidder misses me...the last time I saw him was Saturday where we got busted laying him bed. First time...ever. And yet, I miss...well. You know. What is the matter with me?! How can I be doing this to him, to me, to us? Am I that cold hearted? I love Kidder...God. I know I do. What happened Friday was a one time only thing...ONE TIME. But why do I want it again? It was...nice, to be wanted again. To be called beautiful again...

Oh my god, it's a Drey/Ray situation...except in real life. Jeffery is Drey and he's fucking with my mind to try and make me fall for him and leave Kidder [[Ray]] I WON'T FALL FOR IT AGAIN. No way. I love Alexander Lee Kidder. I love him, I'm meant for him and he's meant for me. I am, I am, I am.

He's upsetting me...I want my sweet boy back. The one that called me beautiful everyday and told me how much he loved me. How much he needed me and how he scared me by saying he wanted to be with me forever. I hate that word; forever. It makes me sick. Nothing is forever...

I have a new friend, that's it. A new friend that likes me. A friend who wants to take me hunting but won't make me kill anything. A friend that will pwn me a video games but then let me win. Just a FRIEND. His name is Jeffery Ryan Afemon, and he is my friend, my little oddball. He's my friend, I made out with him, and he has a tongue ring. He says he likes me, he says I'm gorgeous. And he is my friend. My friend, my friend.

You think

It bothers me that you hate me? That I annoy you? Oh fucking well...I'm never even around you, you dumbass slut. It's not my fault you ruined your life and got pregnant for that immature bastard. You think your going to marry him and live happily ever after? Are you RETARTED? Wait, don't answer that, we already know. Everyone knows you and that idiot won't last.

Your a mean girl, your two-faced and rude and arrogant and stupid. You'll never amount to anything in life. Even without the baby, you'd still be nothing. Because your stupid. You just posted a bulletin saying you won't drop to your knees to make a boy like you...ha! and you called me a liar.

I have ugly, saggy boobs? At least I don't have a child nursing on mine. I made out with you and Lori that night because I was confused, but I'm not anymore. Your the mother who's STILL sexually confused. And your a bitch, I don't think anyone really likes you. You say no one likes me? Well I know for a fact your full of shit. However, you don't even get along with the boy you had a child with, your the one that fights and pushes away anyone who's ever tried to be nice to you. So what does that say about you Sara huh?

I annoy you? Big deal, get over it. I'm never near you. My boyfriend may not be the smartest, hottest one out there but at least he brushes his teeth and doesn't eat off the ground. At least he hasn't made out with 5 other girls while I watched. Alright? So stop trying to act all high and mighty and pretend your better than everyone else. Your not, your ugly white trash.