Somedays

It's just like, fuck this. Today was one of those. I'm just tired of people. I want some time by myself. No friends, no Kidder, no dad, no Flooble. Just Natalie. Time to chill and rest and be happy. To take crappy pictures and cry, to be sad without judgement. To laugh and jump and dance without people staring at me.

I want to be seen as mature, but I want to be a kid, if only for a little while. For some reason there is no balence...no happy middle.

I'm sick of caring, but I can't stop. I don't want to be upset when he makes a bad grade or is out of gas. I can't keep saving him, giving him money. He's a big boy, he needs to care for himself. I can't stop caring...is this love? Is this infatuation? It isn't lust, that's for sure...it's...something. You anger me of much, so often...and yet I can't stay mad. You do stupid things that could get you hurt...why? Your so smart, so lazy. Don't end up like them, get out while you still can. Don't stay for me...I'll be out soon. Don't stay for them....they will too. Grow up, get out, save yourself.

I really hate Mr. Wilibur. He's a P.E. teacher for crying out loud. Where does he get off calling up chubby and immature? What Willie? Couldn't face growing up and getting out? Did you love school SO much you just wanted to stay there for the rest of your life? Or are you just so pathetic you couldn't handle a real job? Me grow up? No, I'm only 15...I have a little while longer to enjoy being a kid, laughing and lieing in the grass...how 'bout you grow up and get the heck outta dodge. Wait...it's too late for you isn't it? Oh...how sad.

The impossible has occured. I got mad at her. She just...got on my nerves. I'm sick of her always seeming happy, always trying to stay perky, for being so two faced. For harboring everything then letting it get to her. For never saying [[to anyone other than a select few]] "Shut up, go away, NO." For never speaking her mind to her sister, mother, father. For holding it in and spilling it everywhere later. For putting up with the things they do, for keeping mum and never doing wrong. Stop it. Tell her how you feel, forget the consequences and just do it. Let them know that you are a human, not only that, but a teenager nonetheless. Let them know you can do wrong, get angry, tell them how you feel...stop trying to make up for her mistakes. Make your own. BE A HUMAN BEING. Little Miss [[no so]] Perfect.

As for you, stop bring me down, calling me fat when your bigger than I am. Where do you get off? Yes, I'm a fat kid, I know. I don't need my "best friend" to remind me alright? So just STFU.

Nothing Fights

Nothing Fights
Are not as funny as Dane Cook makes them out to be. This is what I've realized: Kidder and I argue often...and it's always about nothing!! But we NEVER stay mad for more than 10 minutes...
Example: Today we were driving home from Wal-Mart and he kept on texting while driving...now this pisses me off even when I'm not with him, let alone when I am...I don't give a damn how good you are at it, don't do it with me. That's all I ask. We get home, I kick the jeep and he starts backing out. I run to the window and convince him to come inside.
Inside: I got him to listen to what I think is a very pretty song, and I wanted him to say it made him think of me...it didn't. It's not that it didn't make him think of me, it's that he didn't understand it at all.
We got on the subject of him writing a poem about Brandi, it didn't upset me but it made me wonder, why didn't or why hasn't he written anything about me? [[except the one blog a while back]] He says it's because he's not sad anymore, and because I wasn't hard to get. That happy poems are bad. I don't want a poem or a song, I just want something tangible so I can look and touch it whenever I want. Even at 3:30 in the morning when I can't sleep. Just something that says I love you. I know he does, I don't question that. But is it too much to ask for just a few words? I don't understand.
Another thing: Why is it always about sex? Or something sexual? I don't think we've gone a single day without him trying to do something sexual to me. It was alright at first, now it's just like back off. I'm NOT lying when I say I don't want it. It's alright occasionally but honestly, not every single fucking day. I don't think our entire relationship is about sex, but a large portion is. A larger portion than I would like. I just wish he would understand.
I love you, I do. But sometimes I just wish you would just see things the way I do. Oh and asking that girl for a naked picture, regardless of whether or not you've been asking for years, I didn't like that. I didn't really care, but why did you rub that in me face Alexx? You don't do that to your girlfriend okay? Fucking Christ.
I hate this, questioning all this, wondering...stay with me? For as long as you'll have me, I'm yours.