No title [[le sigh]]

Shelby's 15 now, I'm all alone in my age 14 world. Too bad, so sad, boohoo. It's only for a little while. Laura and I, so cool, two bands are going to sing us happy birthday during a show, because we have "teh hook-up" you know.

Got to her house, hung streamers, knocked down a plant. They arrived. Angry mommies, bad Brittany. So much fun. Secrets, giggling, cake and pizza, fake-overs and late nights, babies and crying. A birthday to remember.

They know about him and I, I've never been lectured by my girls...what a horrible time. They'll never understand, so why bother explaining. They're right and I know it. That doesn't mean I have to except it. They make me feel like a peice of nothing slut. I've made mistakes, so what if I don't regret them. They still don't understand. I can't explain it to myself, let alone to them.

They made me tell her, not about him but about him. I hope this doesn't change how she feels about me, how she looks at me. It would kill me. I love and respect her so much, and I never want her to look at me like they do.

I don't know why I did it, honestly I don't. Wasn't love, maybe lust. Maybe I just shouldn't have. But I did. and I can't change that now. They don't know what was going through my head, I don't even know what was going through my head.

"I want my first time to be romantic, completely naked, and with someone I love and have known for a long time" ha, good luck with that hunny.
"If it's awkward to be naked in front of him, it means you don't know him well enough, you don't trust him" Don't tell me what I do and do not know. Your my best friend, but you know nothing about how I think or why I do the things I do. "If I do this he'll love me, he thinks I'm pretty, he loves me" He does. They didn't and I know that. I didn't care. "You SHOULD care" I don't, I didn't, get over it. Live and let go. I did, why can't you?

I love them, they love me. Right? They're more my sisters than my actual sisters. She lost respect for him, like all the others. It's not his fault, he didn't force me to do anything. We should have waited, we didn't. Let go. I have no intentions of doing it anytime soon. I learned my lesson girls, are you happy now? Am I worth it yet?

"You drop your pants way too easily, you give into peer pressure way too easily" Maybe I do, maybe I won't anymore. Or maybe I just won't tell you.

He's upset, he didn't want anyone to know because they'd think less of him, of me, of us. Or are you ashamed? I don't want to think that, but I can't stop. I don't want to think your just using me, because I know you not. Right? I love you, you love me. You say you do and I believe you. I do believe, I do believe. Oh God please let it be true. It has to be. I can't lose another.

"I wish I had succeeded the first time I tried"
"I'm glad I didn't die, Shelby. I'm so glad I didn't die."
"I don't ever want to be that ugly little girl again, I don't want to hate myself, honest. I don't mean the things I say"

What if he came home, to find all he has left, lying in blood across the bathroom floor?"
"How do you think he'd feel at your funeral, watching all those people cry, having to hold back his own tears, because the only thing he has left is gone?"

I'm going to cry. I'm so glad I didn't die, I'm so, so glad. "No one would care, I'm not anything"
Lies. Someone would care, they would care, he would care. My dad would care. I'm never going back to that. I'm never doing that again. Here and now I promise myself, I will NEVER cut myself again. I will never attempt suicide again. I'm better than that now.

They still don't understand, I doubt they ever will. And it's something I'll have to live with.

I am born again.